Since it occurred to me I have never posted the little piece of text here, even though the subject does come up frequently in my blog posts, I decided to correct that overlook now. After all, it is Easter now, a celebration of fertility and that sort of stuff, making it very appropriate. Neither there hasn't been mention about it in the right hand column, even though I realize there should have been.
Originally I wrote it for my Fetlife profile in August 2018, because I felt it something that should be there, as well. Not that there had been much success for me there, but just in case someone did end up in my profile. Afterwards I posted it also on Facebook.
Anyway, here it is for you, as well. This version is slightly expanded from the original.
There is also one thing I want you all visiting my profile to know.
I AM IMPOTENT
I know the correct term nowadays would be "erectile dysfunction" but I see know reason to call it that or making it sound anything else it using a different term. I am impotent, plain and simple.
I have been unable to achieve erection for twenty years soon, thanks to type one diabetes. No one I know in real life. most likely have no idea about this, because I look pretty young and fit, but I've never been able to get hard in a sexual situations. My first girlfriend managed to take my cherry after months of trying, at which point I was already 33 years old. Viagra has no effect on me either.
I do get morning erections, but they go away as soon as I wake up. In a way they are the bittersweet reminders from mother nature, so I wouldn't forget how they feel like. However, they are so brief I wouldn't have a possibility to actually do anything with them even there was a chance for it. They do make very horny though, which usually means I spend my morning hours by playing with myself.
My impotence, mind you, doesn't mean inability to cum. That is something a surprising amount of fellow kinksters I have met on-line have trouble grasping. For them sex means erection and an intercourse, or masturbation, and chastity is all about wearing a cage that prevents erections. In my case a cage would serve no purpose.
I can masturbate and cum quite fine, and I have learned to love my limp orgasms quite a lot, so much I actually prefer them to the hard ones. I have experienced them with the help of a drug you inject into the penis, but I have to say I have never felt it is something I am supposed to do, or enjoy. My favourite way of cumming is in fact a ruined limp one.
Usually that includes sitting in front of my full body masturbation mirror, plug inside my anus, clothespins on my testicles and nipples and sometimes some water in my bladder as well. Especially the bladder torture drives me quote wild. Most cases my orgasm takes place only after a I have edged for hours and my clit is quite sore, not to mention my tormented bladder.
I like to fiddle my clit on the brink of an orgasm and let go at the last possible moments. The feeling of one's limp penis oozing the sperm out, lazy spurt after another is a glorious one and makes me feel wonderfully feminine as well. If I am in extra naughty mood I like keep the eye contact with myself all through the orgasm. Not only it is interesting to see what kind of expressions I make as I orgasm, but it's wonderfully humiliating as well.
Like I said, I could cum and like most of the people reading this blog know, I do spend most of my free time edging. However, I feel that since I am not able to get laid, to use the common term, I shouldn't. That I haven't earned my orgasms, that it is wrong of me to decide it myself when I cum. In fact I would go as far as to I like myself more when I deny myself for long periods of time.
When I have my periods of "almost normal cumming" I notice myself becoming more selfish, and feeling an ejaculation a day is a some sort of basic human right. The longer I am without an orgasm, the more submissive I become. If I am in a relationship it means the sexual pleasure of the woman in my life becomes the sole source of pleasure for me. If there isn't anyone I try to look for other ways for expressing my submissiveness and sexual energy, such as writing.
My impotence is also the reason why protagonists in many of my short stories are impotent. My writing is, after all, a way for me to get to experience things I never could in real life. And quite frankly, it would feel very unnatural for the stories to have a protagonist with a working cock, and have descriptions of intercourses, when I have no idea what that would feel like.
My impotence is also one of the things that made everything fit in place when I realized I am not in fact a man. Way back when I started losing my ability to get erect I didn't even notice it, since 99,99% of the sex I've had during my life has been with myself, and like I said I can cum just fine without an erection.
If I had had a normal sex life of a man that would have naturally been a disaster for me, but now I hardly noticed it. After I realized I am in fact more female than male, not having an erection simply made more sense. Little sissy girls weren't supposed to have ugly male erections. Anyone interested is more than welcome to read the whole "coming out" blog post here.
One could say my impotence has made me what I am, and affected my self-esteem. Among other things it has also kept me from "chasing women" and kept me single, because what would the point be? I have always felt inadequate compared to real men, and extremely submissive to women. But still, it is what I am, and I love my limp clit.
Many people have told me on-line there are other ways to keep a woman happy. That is true, of course. However, the idea of being able to get hard for a woman is the measure of a man's worth is so deeply rooted in our society. The mere thought of finding a nice geek girl, getting know to her and realizing she may like me as well, and knowing sooner or later I have to say "Oh, by the way, I can't get it up, I hope that's not a problem for you?" is simply too frightening.
Often fellow kinkstres are baffled when I talk to them on-line, don't I miss sex? Don't I want to fuck women? Usually I have replied with: "Do you miss being on Mars?" How could I miss something I've never experienced? Me pulling my limp member is the way I've had sex all my life. It would feel very strange, not to mention scary to suddenly have a penis that works.
I fear if something like that happened, I wouldn't know what to do with an erection. Sex has always scared me a bit, and seemed a thing that "real grown ups do". I've never felt the urge to penetrate a woman, rather vice versa in fact. In other words, I'm perfectly happy, and proud of my limp clit. Perfectly happy to be an impotent wanker.