Saturday, January 4, 2020


Life is curious sometimes. Things that have happened quite recently can give you way more stress than they should. Some things that did so years ago can come back like a blast from the past, and put you to a trip to the memory lane, as the saying goes. 

My second and by far the hottest ex has recently started to hang out at the same place as I do, after seven years of absence. Even though she left me in ruins, seeing her again on weekly basis has been surprisingly easy for me. Apparently sometimes time does heal all wounds.

It has, however, led to some rather interesting situations. A quite recently she told people she has this weird thing about certain numbers. For example, she cannot stop a microwave oven unless they appear on the amount of time that's left. We all have our own peculiarities.

What made the situation interesting for me was that fact I remember quite vividly a certain play session of ours during which she did allow me to cum, but wanted me to do it at a certain time. If I failed to cum during that minute I would have had to wait five or ten minutes to get the next chance.

This sort of thing, me cumming in front of her that is, didn't take place very often. In fact I remember only couple of those instances. I didn't insist it, and I much rather spent my time with my face buried to her crotch instead. She knew how much I loved eating her out, and according to her I was pretty good at it too.

I guess I felt already at that point that my pleasure and orgasms are secondary to those of the woman of my life. This preference of mine matched perfectly with her, as did many other fetishes. She was the first woman who had no problems whatsoever of watching me masturbate in front of her, among many other things. 

She was also one of the first persons who got me into chastity play. Generally I was free to cum as much as I liked, and quite often this took place during our chat sessions on-line. My girlfriend had a healthy libido, and our chat sessions were rather steamy. Quite often we ended up both masturbating during them, she with her phone in her hand, and me at home in front of my computer.

One time, however, she got the idea I shouldn't cum until we saw each other in a few days time. I have described the conversation in one of my earlier posts, so I won't go into detail here. Let's just say what followed was a quite an emotional roller-coaster, especially considering I ended up being denied a whole week for her. 

This all took place later, however. At the time my girlfriend requested for me to cum at a exact time I was used to cumming daily. I did consider, however, whether I should consciously postpone my orgasm. Therefore I could have gotten five, ten or fifteen minutes more of me masturbating my limp clit in front of her, with her teasing and taunting me about it. Ultimately I didn't, which I still regret. 

At the time I finally let ejaculate spurt from my limp penis, with my girlfriend smirking at me, victorious and apparently also pleased about my obedience and punctuality, I wasn't sure whether she was bullshitting me. But apparently she wasn't. It seems she does have a thing with certain numbers.

I am 100% certain my ex doesn't remember that particular instance anymore, but I sure do, and it was very hard for me not to silently smile while she was telling everyone her little microwave story. If only they had known...

Thursday, November 7, 2019


The picture I have chosen as illustration for this blog post is a photo I came across with at some point. I find it extremely erotic, and I have wanted to write a longer description why that is. However, since I am aware it would simply disappear elsewhere, I am making a post of it here.

As most assumed males, I too have a desire to be watched when I masturbate. The fetish for it is so common among men, no matter whether you are submissive or not, that I can only suspect it serves some primal need in us. Naturally many women have that need too.

It is, however, something that has been an extremely rare treat for me. That is to be expected, considering how sad and limited my sexual history is. My first girlfriend also found it really problematic. On the other hand doing it on-line is way too risky, and I have no desire to end up being blackmailed. I have heard some chilling horror stories.

One solution I have come up with are my so called "wanking mirrors". If you're interested, you are free to use the search box on the right to find out what they are. In a way they make it possible for me to be watched by someone when I masturbate, even if that someone is me. Also, using them is extremely humiliating.

Usually when a male cums he closes his eyes to enjoy the experience fully, without anything interfering it. However, back in the day when I used to cum, I did it differently if I felt especially naughty, and forced myself to watch my facial expressions from a mirror as I ejaculated. One could say I wanted to see what women have had to endure when they have had to see me cum.

Therefore, my desire to be watched when I masturbate has nothing to do with me believing it would be something hot to see, not even sexy. I am painfully aware I am not sexy to look at, least of which watching me masturbate. Bear in mind, my excuse of a penis doesn't even get hard, but stays limp the whole time.

I am aware if a woman saw me masturbating now, she would think of it pathetic, ridiculous, perhaps even sad. All the huffing and puffing, and pulling on that little limp piece of skin? The most I could hope was her to see it as funny, and amusing. Something she could be more than welcomed to laugh at.

Because let's face it she would be absolutely right to do so. I do look pathetic and sad when I masturbate or edge. I have seen it myself, when I've cummed in front of a full body mirror. Sometimes, knowing that is the thing that turns me on, as I do it. How sad and pathetic it is, especially if I am pulling my limp clit fifth hour in a row.

Like I said, I haven't had many chances for being observed while I masturbate, not even a one woman. The thing is, fantasy wise the next step up from there is to be observed by several women. In fact, that has been one of my biggest fantasies, ever since childhood. All of you, who have read my fiction know the subject pops up from there over and over again.

For some reason many submissive men seem to find the thought of being naked in front of teenage girls, either masturbating or doing something else humiliating, extremely hot. I understand that fascination and share it, as well. The mere thought of being taken advantage and humiliated by a group on young women is indeed extremely hot. At the same time it is something I won't ever experience, naturally.

All the women in the photo are in their early twenties, but it is not the only thing that makes me find the photo so erotic. There is also the fact they are looking at the camera, or me, from the above. This means I must be on my back on the ground or the floor, masturbating while the girls have gathered above me to observe my facial expressions.

And finally, there is the fact not one of them is smiling. They're all dead serious, looking at me intently, closely, and silently. There is no evidence they would find what I do pleasing, not even amusing. They are merely interested to see what a male look like when he masturbates.

Sunday, October 27, 2019


Perhaps I'm a bit too much of a feminist, but I find husbands who get off, or get a boner from doing housework to be somewhat creepy. Not because it's something they shouldn't do, quite the opposite.

What I would like to ask them is this. Did you get sexually excited when you were single and did all the housework? You didn't? Ah, it is: "But now I'm doing it to serve her!", is that the case?

No offence, but if you're "humiliating" yourself in front of your wife by doing something you think you're not supposed to do, because you think it is her job, you're not serving her, you're just letting it show what kind of chauvinistic asshole you really are.

I guess many of you remember the dishwashing-gate after Captain Marvel? Many male fans thought the filming showing us Nick Fury doing dishes was the ultimate insult. How dare they, Nick Fury, the manliest man there is, doing woman's work?

At the time I wondered how do men like this, or men in USA in general it seems, survive when they’re single? If washing dishes is such a lowly task it is reserved only for women, do single men use every clean dish in their house and then simply move out?

If you do housework for your wife, great. But this is not 1950's. You are her partner. You are supposed to do do fifty per cent of the housework. If you get off from it, because you feel it's humiliating, there's something screwed up in the way you see gender roles.

Rant over.

Sunday, October 13, 2019


A couple of days ago there was a post on Bdsmlr which equated long term chastity with so called Stockholm syndrome. That is, the longer one stays in chastity the more he starts to fear freedom.

That is an interesting way to look at it, but I must agree. It does work like that, at least with it does with me, even though I do my chastity alone.

I have on many occasions ended up explaining the mechanics behind prolonged chastity to baffled people on-line. I have told them the longer you deny yourself, the more the thought of starting to cum normally stats to feel strange and unnatural, even frightening.

Or, as a real life female friend who I have confided to about my weird fetish once said, as I pondered whether I will stop my chastity after some big milestone: "I think you will go on. Continuing is the safe thing to do, and you have always wanted to play it safe. I know you too well."

What I find interesting, as well as humorous and sad, is the fact that almost every time people also bring up the subject of intercourse: "Soon you will start fear sex and intercourse as well." In a way that is understandable, for most normal people that is what sex is. 

I, however, find that presumption somewhat disturbing. The thing is, as far as penetration goes, it is something I have never actually understood. This is due to the fact I started losing the ability to become erect in my thirties, way before I my first girlfriend finally managed to take my cherry.

Many times fellow subs have asked me on-line: "But don't you miss fucking?" I usually reply: "Do you miss being on Mars?" How could I miss something I have never had?

I have had normal penetrative sex a few times in my life, but I have to admit I've never felt it's something I should be doing. It's what grown-ups and real men and women do. So, in other words, I have been afraid of intercourse and sex all my life.

I feel the most I could hope for, sexually speaking, would be to find a woman who would allow me to pleasure her orally whenever she so wishes, and if she feels I have earned it, to masturbate or edge while she observes. Whether I would be allowed to actually cum would be totally up to her.

I am, however, very bad at "selling myself" to the fairer gender. I am not that bad to look at, but I feel I don't have a right to approach women. After all, I have so little to offer, and my sexual tastes are too peculiar. I am painfully aware I am inadequate sexually, and unable to satisfy women, so why even try?

The original thread on Bdsmlr can be found here.

Wednesday, September 18, 2019


Gloria Steinem has said: "Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else". I have noticed that in my case the same thing applies to edging.

Recently there was a post on one of the sites I'm on, with a picture of a man masturbating his sizable, erect cock, with the text: "Reblog if this is your favourite hobby. Naturally I did, because there's no denying it.

My genital appendix is perhaps a fifth of the size of the monster in the photo, and I'm completely impotent, meaning I use only two fingers to masturbate. And as you know, I don't cum, only edge. But other than that, yes. Masturbation is without a doubt my favourite hobby.

If there's a chance, I usually edge several hours a day, sometimes more than once a day. As I pull my limp clit I get such a high, feeling that this is what I was made to do, what I'm supposed to do in life. I'm a wanker. And I've very proud to be one, because it is one of the few things I'm good at.

Nothing gives me greater joy than edging for hours, taking myself as close to orgasm as possible, but knowing there is no chance whatsoever I will actually cum. That information gives edging its meaning. Knowing the hornyness won't away, ever.

Many times I won't stop until I'm too exhausted or tired, or hungry, usually all three because I usually skip meals to be able to masturbate more. Or, if I actually have some social life, or a party to attend to. Many times at a party I find myself thinking I would much rather be edging at home.

As you may guess, I was masturbating frantically as I was writing this.

I remember one time when I was going on and on and on about it to an on-line Domme I know. How I love to hear that I cannot cum, or that I'm not supposed to cum, like normal people. "I think I know you well enough to know orgasms bring you no pleasure", she said. "As it should be". What she said made me think.

Physically, edging does give me pleasure. After all, that is the reason I pull my limp such insane amounts of time. Daily if I get a chance, usually hours at a time, if possible. I love the feeling of orgasm waiting for to happen, deep inside my testicles. But I want to keep it there, and stay horny.

But orgasms are the tricky part. I think it's true they give me no pleasure anymore, not on their own at least. Having them just feels so... wrong. They're too enjoyable, for me at least. I haven't earned that kind of pleasure. Other people are supposed to have them, not me.

So, in other words, it's mostly in my head. My body would like to have them, that's why it's so excited whenever I start to edge, as is my brain.

But my brain knows I am not supposed to have orgasms, or experience that kind of pleasure. My brain and my body disagree there, but they both do feel I should edge as much as possible, be as horny as possible, and get myself as close to the orgasm as possible, but never actually to experience it.

I have been without an orgasm for more than 400 days at the moment. In fact as I'm writing this it's less than three months to reaching my previous record of 497 days and finally breaking it. I am confident this time I will be able to do it. Most likely I want to make 2019 a completely orgasm-free year for me.

I have spoken about my chastity many time with people on-line, and told them it's very hard to think what to do afterwards. Why stop there? If I cum I will have to start from scratch again. Wouldn't it be much more fun to keep going, to see how long is it possible to go?

I have also told them I feel that stopping now would require an incredibly strong motivation. It would have to be something momentous, such as a woman actually wanting to see live how I finally cum, after all this time, preferably by ruining my own orgasm. 

However, such woman appearing from somewhere just like that seems highly unlikely, at least as long as I spend most of my time at home edging. Only thing that would be able to "save" me from more and more denial is in fact a woman. But it seems I'm at the moment quite safe from something like that happening. 

I do remember the time I used to have orgasms, even though after I have forgotten how they actually feel by now. The moment of an orgasm was glorious, but every single time I felt such shame afterwards. I think it was because in 99,99% of the times I have orgasmed, I have had to do it without a permission from a woman. 

I have been fortunate enough to experience it a few times. And I must say, whenever I've had a permission from a woman or done it under observation it has felt so good. No shame, only satisfaction that comes from obeying. Having to decide myself when to cum and when not, it's just so wrong, and so unnatural.

I am so deep inside this, in my feelings of worthlessness, and that I'm supposed to be denied of orgasms, and many things majority of people takes for granted. In fact, I know if I had to explain this to someone they would think I'm insane. They just wouldn't understand. That realization, feeling so alienated, feeling such a freak, scares me sometimes.

Then again, I seem to have a some sort of self-destructive quality in me, and I've never hid my submissiveness, or the fact I know very much about porn, when I'm in company  

A few days ago I attended a meeting. I'm not as tech savvy as most of my friends, and like to print the stuff I need in the meeting. But because I want to save the planet, as well as money, I often print them on the backs of sheets we've already used for something else.

As we were having the meeting a female friend of mine who was sitting opposite of me started giggling and told me the reason for it, as well. The back of the stack of papers I was holding had a text "OPEN DOORS, EVERYBODY WELCOME" and a giant arrow pointing, well, straight to my crotch.

"Oh, I must disappoint you" I said, as I took a folder out to hide the text from amused eyes. "I'm afraid there's nothing in my pants that would interested a freshman geek girl. Unfortunately".

As we were continuing the meeting my friend still had trouble getting over the situation and said between giggles: "Sorry, I'm just not able to..." I scoffed. "Well, neither am I, that's the whole problem!"

At this point another of my female friends intervened, and said that perhaps this is a bit too much information, even in our normal standards.

What can I say. Never be ashamed of what you are.

Wednesday, August 14, 2019


Yesterday there was several posts on a Emma Watson fan group on Facebook, about what rules there should be for her worshipers to live their life by. This, however, seems to differ from person to person, and therefore I made a set of my own. I got an inspiration, one could say.

As I wrote them I tried to think what Emma Watson truly means to me, and how I see her. How I see her, the femalekind, the world, and myself in relation to them. The rules are, just like the any other similar set, an ideal an Emma Watson worshiper should aspire to. No one cannot abide them all of the time but it is a goal one should still strive for.


1) Emma Watson is your Goddess. You are nothing before her. Before Emma Watson our Goddess everything is inferior.

2) You shall have no other women before her, may they be women in your real life or celebrities you are a fan of. Your love and adoration should be focused on the Goddess, first and foremost.

3) You shall treat all women respectfully at all times. You shall not look at or talk to women you think are out of your league. If you see a woman in public who makes you feel lust for her you are to bow your head.

4) You shall fight for feminism, gender and sexual equality, animal rights, green values and everything else our Goddess supports, everywhere you hear words raised against them. You shall not support entertainment, institutions or political parties who doesn't share her ideals.

5) You shall fight for the honour of our Goddess everywhere you see it attacked, let it be about her physical appearance, acting abilities or the important work she does in the world.

6) You shall not covet Emma Watson in impure way or think of the Goddess without clothing. The image of her face and her clothed is enough for you.

7) You shall stop ingesting meat, dairy products, tobacco, alcohol, coffee, sweets containing sugar or anything that has prior brought you pleasure. Living healthy brings you closer to the Goddess. 

8) You shall limit the time you use to unproductive things such as television and video games, and use it to something that makes you use your mind and creativity instead. Reading is passion of your Goddess, and so should it be yours as well.

9) Instead of gathering material goods or wealth and consuming you shall devote as much of your time as possible to things that makes you better as a person or benefits the world. This includes doing volunteer work for worthwhile causes. This too will bring you closer to the Goddess.

10) You shall not orgasm or cum. You are allowed to edge, providing that you keep the image of our Goddess in your mind at all times. If an edging accident happens you are expected to ruin your orgasm.

11) You shall understand that humiliation and physical pain are gifts to you from the Goddess. You shall understand that feeling this way and accepting your own inadequacies brings you closer to the Goddess.

12) You shall do everything in your power for everyone to know thy personal commitment to the Goddess, the reason for it, and these commandments you live your life by.

Bow your heads and recite after me: "Emma Watson represents purity. She represents wisdom, intelligence and everything that is good and holy on Earth. She represents talent, beauty, and courage. She represents equality, feminism, and the future. She is truly a Goddess on Earth."

Like I said, these rules may differ from person to person. These ones, however, are the ones I live my life by. 

As a good Emma Watson worshiper I have posted a link to this post on Bdsmlr, Twitter, Facebook and Fetlife. If you are a fellow Emma Watson worshiper you also may be interested following a page I have created for her on Bdsmlr, or visiting a public photo folder dedicated to her on Facebook.

There is also a high resolution version of these commandments available.  

Thursday, August 1, 2019


A few days ago I came across with an interesting post on Bdsmlr about ruined orgasms. Or rather, instructions for ruining a male orgasm as completely and efficiently as possible. The list was originally posted on Tumblr, but the account seems to be inaccessible at the moment. Therefore I will copy-paste the list below.

Rules For A Perfect Ejaculation:

1. Call it what it is: ejaculation. There are no more orgasms for you.

2. Minimize or eliminate orgasmic pleasure by any means. Stimulate the penis slowly and gently and only just barely enough to trigger orgasm. Do not overstimulate.

3. The male should be instructed to relax as much as possible and not to tense up as this only increases his pleasure and may cause you to overstimulate.

4. Cease ALL stimulation the moment the ejaculatory reflex is triggered. If he is tense the timing of this may be difficult so it is important that he relax. Semen should flow (or “ooze) from the penis slowly, without spurting. If he spurts, you have overstimulated.

5. Do not touch or stimulate the penis in any way (including cleaning) until his erection has subsided, in order to ensure a total loss of pleasurable sensation.

Remember that this is not about his pleasure, but simply the gentle release of his semen!

As you all know, I am a huge fan of ruined orgasms, both as a form of porn, but also ruining my own orgasms. The list in question is an excellent set of rules, since it emphasizes many things usually forgotten especially in porn, one of the most important thing being the timing.  

The thing is, many times in porn "a ruined orgasm" seems to mean a woman letting go of the penis as soon as the male starts to ejaculate. This is way too late, since we all know the orgasm begins several seconds before the actual ejaculation.   

Naturally I reblogged the list, and couldn't help but adding a bit of personal experience to it, as well. One could say I got an inspiration, and the description became much longer than I originally anticipated. Therefore I am making an post about it on here as well.

I have described my cumming habits many times here on my blog, and if you're a regular reader of mine, you already know quite a lot about it. It is, however something I will never grow tired of talking about. Besides, repetition never hurts.

Personally, I have one thing working for me when it comes to ruining my own orgasms, and that is my impotence. Ruining your own orgasms is much easier if you're unable to get hard at all, and somehow it merely feels natural to ruin them.

As you all know, at the moment I don't cum at all, and in fact as I am writing this, it has been exactly a year since my last orgasm. However, when I did cum, at least occasionally, my favourite way of doing it was ruining my orgasms.

The ideal way for me to ejaculate consists of me sitting naked in a chair in front of a full body mirror. Usually I also have a huge butt plug inside my anus and clothespins attached on my nipples and testicles. This has been preceded by hours and hours of edging in front of my computer.

Before the ejaculation I like to relax myself as much as I can, lay back in the chair, and admire how pathetic I look, as I fiddle the tip of my penis and gradually pick up the pace. Very often I like to prolong this part as much as I can, but at some point the desire to cum becomes unbearable.

If I'm about to properly ruin my orgasm I never use the normal "two-finger technique". That simply feels wrong and way too manly, despite the lack of an erection and the pathetic size of my penis. Rather, I like to fiddle myself to the brink of ejaculation. Some way that feels much more appropriate.

As soon as I know I am beyond the point of return, I let go of my limp thing and let the wave of orgasm wash over me. Just like in the list above, I try to stay as calm as possible when this happens, and keep my breathing even.

It is also important as wel as great fun to keep an eye contact with myself at this point. This may sound weird to you, but I've found I look extremely funny when I cum, and forcing myself to look at my own face makes the whole experience incredibly humiliating.

On some occasions I like to look at my limp penis as it oozes the cum out, one lazy spurt after another. Often I also squeeze the handles of my chair at this point, to prevent myself from grabbing my limp penis. However, it is important to stay as calm as possible, and simply observe your own orgasm getting ruined.

Usually I wait until the ejaculation is completely done and not move a muscle before it is. Getting up, and taking everything off is in its own way the most humiliating part of the whole deal. What was hot as hell a few moments earlier, is now simply painful. It also makes the post orgasm shame feel tenfold.

But that's how my ejaculations are meant to be, painful, humiliating, and as little pleasurable as possible.

At the moment I have no idea when my next orgasm or ejaculation will take place. As you all know, I edge myself regularly, but do my very best not to cum. If I do decide to let myself cum at some point I am pretty sure I will want to ruin it, as completely as possible.

After all, it's good to have something to look forward to, isn't it?