Saturday, May 4, 2019


As all of you who follow me on Facebook know, I have a huge, huge fetish for Emma Watson. It's not only because she is a talented actress, or that she's pretty, or beautiful, or sexy. Or that she is clearly extremely intelligent, a feature I have always found to be an irresistible in a woman. 

The feature I admire and respect in Emma Watson the most, is the fact she has managed to put her fame and status into good use, serving as a symbol for equality. Truth to tell, I have great difficulties telling her and the character of Hermione Granger of Harry Potter movies apart.

In any case, I started to think the other day. Now, I am perfectly aware this is not something I alone have thought of, and I do know it has totally been a thing, as the saying goes, for years and years now, but still. Is there anything more intimidating, as well as more exciting than the idea of a Slytherin Hermione?

Because, whether you like to admit it or not, being the third wheel in the so called golden trio, having to play the second or the third fiddle in their adventures, wasn't the best place for Hermione. Sure, she she was the smartest of them all, but more often than not, she was overlooked and was seldom listened to. And where did she find herself in the end? A housewife for Ron, and a baby-maker.

How different things would have been if she had been sorted to Slytherin. Without Harry and Ron dragging her down it could have been the place where she could have a chance to really shine and reach her potential, as the brightest Slytherin of her generation. After all, being a Slytherin doesn't mean being evil, it means not being afraid of using things to your advantage and taking what's yours.

Heck, she would have still been able to have some of their adventures with Harry and Ron, despite being in a different house. But the situation would have been a totally different now. She would have been the bright Slytherin witch, not the mandatory girl character of the book series no one actually listens to.

Sure, Draco Malfoy would have put through hell during her time on Hogwarts, with her being a mudblood, but I have no doubt she would have had the balls to put him eventually in line. I know it's also totally a thing to ship Hermione and Draco, but personally I can't see it happening, despite the good girl, bad boy trope, sorry.

What I could see happening, however, is Hermione hooking up and becoming a pair with another Slytherin girl. I can just see what kind of a kick-ass team they would have made. I know what you're saying. But Hermione wasn't a lesbian? Well, how can you be so sure? We got to see her only a few years, when she was only a teen, at which point many girls are still figuring themselves out. 

And let's face it, the romance part in the books isn't very convincing. Ron Weasley is thick as a block, especially compared to Hermione, and they have practically nothing in common. Marrying Hermione to Ron was most likely J.K.'s dumbest decision, even though I understand why she did. it. That made Harry even more of an outsider, even more the lonesome, messianic figure the books see him as. 

In the books Hermione serves a certain purpose, but from the perspective of Hermione and what we know of her, the role she has makes no sense whatsoever. Slytherin Hermione is another story completely. In fact, if we look at her possible career at the ministry, or the whole wide wizarding world the books only give us a tiny glimpse of, there's no telling how high the Slyhterin Hermione could have soared to.  

Tuesday, April 30, 2019


I recently realized that even though the subject has popped up now and then on this blog, I have never made an separate post about a form of erotic torture I am a big fan of. Namely, bladder torture. 

In my case full bladder increases horniness in a way I cannot describe. Both masturbating and cumming feel so much better with a full bladder. During times I am particularly active sexually, a full bladder easily encourages me to start pulling my limp penis. I am going through such phase at the moment, and these days I connect the feeling of full bladder primarily with being horny, not with going to toilet.

I have many times wondered why this feels as erotic as it does. The first explanation I have come up with is that it creates an interesting, uncomfortable sensation resembling pain, that is located near testicles. There are also lot of nerves there criss crossing, explaining mixed messages. The other explanation I have is that the both feelings, a desire to cum and desire to urinate, are both about expelling something from your body, and therefore working so well together.   

The most effective way for me to get into the good bladder torture mood is to have a slight need to pee as I wake up, or when I'm masturbating during the day. The key is not to get rid of it, but enjoy it instead as I play with myself. It feels incredibly good to press the bladder lightly in the course of masturbating, or pull the tummy muscles in and feel the sensations the full bladder creates.

The sensation is so wonderful the idea of reliving myself, therefore having to let go of the sweet discomfort, is the farthest thing form my mind. In fact, if I am feeling extra nasty, the next step is to start drinking water, to make it feel even worse. The act of emptying a pint after pint of water while you masturbate, despite feeling the bladder already being full, is incredibly erotic. 

This creates a cycle very quickly. The more discomforting it gets, the more horny I become, and the more horny become, the more water I drink to be hurt more, and the longer I want my edging to continue. I have found that my mind enters this point a whole new level of sub-space, and simply doing what I am doing becomes a turn on.

Most often I have done this all alone, with a pint after pint of ice water next to me, occasionally pressing my lower abdomen and feeling it getting more and more full and hard. The feeling it creates is different from any kind of pain, since it engulfs my whole groin area, as well as radiates outwards from the center of my being. Masturbation simply feels so much better that way. 

Naturally it's even better if there's a sadistic woman present on chat for example, deciding how much and when I have drink the water, and deciding when I can go to pee, or whether I am allowed to cum or not. Bladder torture session, with of without company, can last for hours and I have often drank several liters of water before being cumming or peeing. Also, the orgasm with extremely full bladder feels so heightened, more or less to tenfold.

Another thing I love in bladder torture is the way it makes me look. If I have any feminine gear on, and I have drank enough water, my obscenely bulged out abdomen makes me look like a pregnant woman. If my bladder is full enough, near the end the pee usually dribbles out like precum as I edge. Naturally I lick every drop off my fingers.

There have also been couple of instances when I have been allowed to pee to a pint on the condition  I promise to drink it immediately afterwards and continue edging. It is hard to describe the feeling of holding a big pint of our own warm, foaming, yellow urine knowing you will soon drink it. There have been sessions during this has been repeated several times. 

This may sound disgusting to you, but after one gets used to the taste of one's own urine, it becomes incredibly easy to drink more and of it. It also fun to rinse your mouth with it in order to really savor the taste, or add ice cubes in it and drink it like cider. If you’re horny enough, and in pain enough, the idea you’re drinking your own pee so you could drink it again soon is hot beyond belief.

If there is a woman present it opens many opportunities. Simply the act of drinking the water I know will cause me great discomfort soon feels much more erotic while being observed. For example, to empty a whole pint of ice water in one go in front of the woman's eyes. It is also feels great to lie completely naked next to her afterwards, while she is fully dressed, as she presses your lower abdomen to find out where her touch hurts the most.

The best part naturally is if the woman in question is willing to sit on your full bladder. This may sound extreme, but in reality the pressure woman's backside creates if far less intense compared to the one a palm or your fingers. Woman sitting on your bladder in cowgirl position offers nice possibilities though, and it's amazing what woman can do just by shifting her weight back and forth. Even better if one has had to beg for it first.

It also helps if the woman in question has, as they say, meat on her bones. The girlfriend I had the pleasure doing this with a couple of times was such woman. It was a wonderful feeling to lay motionless on the bed, again completely naked, see her getting on top of me, naturally fully clothed, then sitting down with full weight. When this took place I had to close my eyes, smile, hold my hands on her wide hips and tell how much I loved her, and how heavy she is.

I have also noticed the position you do your torturing has an big effect on how the urine in the bladder makes you feel. I usually do my edging in front of my computer, sitting down, and even though the urine does feel in this position it is nothing compared to what it feels standing up. Therefore, it is easy to make the decision to drink "one more pint" while you're sitting down, but as soon as you get up, it can hurt so much you're forced to bend as you walk around.

One would think lying down would do the same, but in fact the effect is just the opposite. I have figured the pressure is directed differently when your body is in horizontal position. In fact I have sometimes taken a nap in a middle of a strenuous edging session with the urine still in the bladder, and feeling even more horny as I wake up.

In other words, if you do your masturbating lying down you have to use your fingers much more, to be able to create the sensation gravity would do if you're sitting down. Also, your tummy doesn't look nearly as nice when you're lying down. On the other hand the position allows you to drink much more water, the decision you regret the moment you stand up again.

If I am doing bladder torture alone the relief usually doesn't happen until I have either ejaculated or merely edged myself so long I can't stand it anymore. If I ejaculate, the feeling that follows is simply intolerable. The thing is, at that point nothing comes through the swollen penis, no matter how hard I try. This means I have usually had to wait 10 to 20 minutes in order to properly urinate. What was erotic before ejaculation, is now just pure pain.

A fantasy I haven't yet experienced is to have a situation described earlier, with a sufficiently sadistic woman present, and extremely full bladder, followed by ejaculation. I can only imagine it could be quite amusing for her to watch me walking around in torment and legs crossed. Any verbal teasing at that point would very effective, as well.

Neither have I ever had the pleasure drinking my own pee, especially pint after pint, while being watched. Nor have I experienced someone controlling the rate I relieve myself in a situation like that, for example being allowed to pee with only a small amount at a time to prolong the torment. Between them I could be made lick the woman in question to orgasm, for example. As you can see, the possibilities would be endless.   

Even without an orgasm or anyone present it usually takes several hours to get all the pee out, as the water in abdomen enters the bladder, filling it again and again. In plain terms this usually means running into the toilet all night long. Afterwards, especially if I have ejaculated, comes also the regret, and being afraid for your own health. However, when I’m horny enough and edging my limp  clit this couldn't be farther from my mind.

Sometimes, even after I have gotten all the urine out the need to pee remains. At that point I'm unable to do nothing but lying on the bed curled to a ball, and twitching. It feels more or less like I had just been beaten up. If I've only edged, at this point I'm horny as hell, but powerless to do anything anymore. 

I try not to do this very often, since there are health risks, and the process is quite a strain for the body as well, exhaustion wise. Recently though I have ended doing quite a lot of it, thanks to intensive edging. A feeling of full bladder easily lures me into pulling my limp penis, and mornings are especially treacherous, due to natural horniness as well as a full bladder, which can often lead to an intensive edging session taking up the whole day.

Saturday, April 20, 2019


Since it occurred to me I have never posted the little piece of text here, even though the subject does come up frequently in my blog posts, I decided to correct that overlook now. After all, it is Easter now, a celebration of fertility and that sort of stuff, making it very appropriate. Neither there hasn't been mention about it in the right hand column, even though I realize there should have been.

Originally I wrote it for my Fetlife profile in August 2018, because I felt it something that should be there, as well. Not that there had been much success for me there, but just in case someone did end up in my profile. Afterwards I posted it also on Facebook.

Anyway, here it is for you, as well. This version is slightly expanded from the original. 

There is also one thing I want you all visiting my profile to know.


I know the correct term nowadays would be "erectile dysfunction" but I see know reason to call it that or making it sound anything else it using a different term. I am impotent, plain and simple.

I have been unable to achieve erection for twenty years soon, thanks to type one diabetes. No one I know in real life. most likely have no idea about this, because I look pretty young and fit, but I've never been able to get hard in a sexual situations. My first girlfriend managed to take my cherry after months of trying, at which point I was already 33 years old. Viagra has no effect on me either.

I do get morning erections, but they go away as soon as I wake up. In a way they are the bittersweet reminders from mother nature, so I wouldn't forget how they feel like. However, they are so brief I wouldn't have a possibility to actually do anything with them even there was a chance for it. They do make very horny though, which usually means I spend my morning hours by playing with myself.

My impotence, mind you, doesn't mean inability to cum. That is something a surprising amount of fellow kinksters I have met on-line have trouble grasping. For them sex means erection and an intercourse, or masturbation, and chastity is all about wearing a cage that prevents erections. In my case a cage would serve no purpose.

I can masturbate and cum quite fine, and I have learned to love my limp orgasms quite a lot, so much I actually prefer them to the hard ones. I have experienced them with the help of a drug you inject into the penis, but I have to say I have never felt it is something I am supposed to do, or enjoy. My favourite way of cumming is in fact a ruined limp one.

Usually that includes sitting in front of my full body masturbation mirror, plug inside my anus, clothespins on my testicles and nipples and sometimes some water in my bladder as well. Especially the bladder torture drives me quote wild. Most cases my orgasm takes place only after a I have edged for hours and my clit is quite sore, not to mention my tormented bladder.

I like to fiddle my clit on the brink of an orgasm and let go at the last possible moments. The feeling of one's limp penis oozing the sperm out, lazy spurt after another is a glorious one and makes me feel wonderfully feminine as well. If I am in extra naughty mood I like keep the eye contact with myself all through the orgasm. Not only it is interesting to see what kind of expressions I make as I orgasm, but it's wonderfully humiliating as well.

Like I said, I could cum and like most of the people reading this blog know, I do spend most of my free time edging. However, I feel that since I am not able to get laid, to use the common term, I shouldn't. That I haven't earned my orgasms, that it is wrong of me to decide it myself when I cum. In fact I would go as far as to I like myself more when I deny myself for long periods of time.

When I have my periods of "almost normal cumming" I notice myself becoming more selfish, and feeling an ejaculation a day is a some sort of basic human right. The longer I am without an orgasm, the more submissive I become. If I am in a relationship it means the sexual pleasure of the woman in my life becomes the sole source of pleasure for me. If there isn't anyone I try to look for other ways for expressing my submissiveness and sexual energy, such as writing. 

My impotence is also the reason why protagonists in many of my short stories are impotent. My writing is, after all, a way for me to get to experience things I never could in real life. And quite frankly, it would feel very unnatural for the stories to have a protagonist with a working cock, and have descriptions of intercourses, when I have no idea what that would feel like.

My impotence is also one of the things that made everything fit in place when I realized I am not in fact a man. Way back when I started losing my ability to get erect I didn't even notice it, since 99,99% of the sex I've had during my life has been with myself, and like I said I can cum just fine without an erection. 

If I had had a normal sex life of a man that would have naturally been a disaster for me, but now I hardly noticed it. After I realized I am in fact more female than male, not having an erection simply made more sense. Little sissy girls weren't supposed to have ugly male erections. Anyone interested is more than welcome to read the whole "coming out" blog post here.

One could say my impotence has made me what I am, and affected my self-esteem. Among other things it has also kept me from "chasing women" and kept me single, because what would the point be? I have always felt inadequate compared to real men, and extremely submissive to women. But still, it is what I am, and I love my limp clit.

Many people have told me on-line there are other ways to keep a woman happy. That is true, of course. However, the idea of being able to get hard for a woman is the measure of a man's worth is so deeply rooted in our society. The mere thought of finding a nice geek girl, getting know to her and realizing she may like me as well, and knowing sooner or later I have to say "Oh, by the way, I can't get it up, I hope that's not a problem for you?" is simply too frightening.

Often fellow kinkstres are baffled when I talk to them on-line, don't I miss sex? Don't I want to fuck women? Usually I have replied with: "Do you miss being on Mars?" How could I miss something I've never experienced? Me pulling my limp member is the way I've had sex all my life. It would feel very strange, not to mention scary to suddenly have a penis that works.

I fear if something like that happened, I wouldn't know what to do with an erection. Sex has always scared me a bit, and seemed a thing that "real grown ups do". I've never felt the urge to penetrate a woman, rather vice versa in fact. In other words, I'm perfectly happy, and proud of my limp clit. Perfectly happy to be an impotent wanker.

Friday, April 5, 2019


I came across yesterday a news about a proposed bill in Georgia, USA. The bill would require men 55 and older to report each and every time they ejaculate to the nearest law enforcement agency immediately. The bill is naturally only a PR gimmick, and as such an effective one, and it's aimed against legislating birth control and abortion. But it got me thinking.

I wanted to share the piece of news and started writing. I was supposed to write only a few lines, but the text just kept coming and coming. One could I got an inspiration. I admit, what I wrote is polemic, and I did want to rise eyebrows with it, and I was very turned on doing so, as well.

And yes, the scope on what I wrote is extremely narrow when it comes to different preferences, meaning it is limited only to men and women and relationships between them. In other words, please bear in mind that this is a masturbation fantasy. It is, however, also something I have lived by for several years and what I truly believe in. Call it my "Chastity Manifesto", if you will.

Men of this world need to made understand, once and for all, that ejaculating and orgasming is a privilege for men, not a basic right. It's just not right, or natural for men to decide when they get to cum and when not.

When men indulge to this filthy habit they are committing a crime against themselves, a crime against womanhood and a crime against the nature. Male getting to decide about his own ejaculations is immoral, unnatural, harmful and wrong. It is not the healthy, natural way of relieving pressure we have been taught it is.

Male getting to decide when he ejaculates gives him the message his sex organs are there for his own pleasure, thereby perverting his sexuality. A male ejaculation is something that's supposed to be a sacred, holy act, and something that should took place as infrequently as possible. And always, always either in the presence of a woman, or at least after being given permission to it by a woman.

Why? Because the center of a man's life should be the woman in his life, not his own hand! A woman's orgasm should always be the one in the man's mind, not his own. Quite simply, because woman's orgasm is much more important and should be valued more. Woman is physically capable of orgasming more frequently, and therefore she should experience it more often, not the male.

The job of a male is to help a woman in his life to orgasm, any way he can. If he is allowed to cum whenever he likes he forgets this responsibility, and is under the false belief sex is about his pleasure, not the woman's. In truth however this is vice versa, sex is about woman's pleasure, and about man helping her to achieve it. 

But isn't it awfully unfair and cruel, you ask? Doesn't this mean the men would be constantly horny and aching to cum? Isn't it wrong for women to get to cum all the time, but limit it for men? 

Well, one could ask whether it's unfair and cruel to put reins on a horse. Some may say it is, but it is also necessary. Reins are needed to make the horse do whatever it is its rider needs it to do. The same thing applies to men. Limiting male's orgasm are the reins he is controlled with. Reins do not make the horse unhappy, and neither should controlling man's orgasms should make him unhappy.

Is the man constantly horny and aching to cum? Naturally. But that is exactly the point. By putting the valve there, the woman is able to harness the power that lies within the man's testicles. In a way, man's body, or his genitals, are like a motor, and his horniness, or orgasms, are energy build-ups created by the motor. A horny man behaves like he do merely because he has too much energy within his testicles. 

However, if the male is allowed to cum whenever he feels like, it means all that energy goes to waste. By putting a valve on male's sexual energy it is possible to direct and focus that energy into something actually useful, instead of his orgasms. That may be the sexual pleasure of the woman in his life, some other efficient activity she sees fit, or something else entirely.

A horny man is focused, eager to please the woman in his life in any way he can, because he knows his chances of being able to cum depend solely on her. Also, men enjoy being horny, immensely, whether they admitted it or not. Being horny makes them feel alive, and it also does good for them, mentally as well as physically. Ultimately, a horny man is a happy man.

Woman's orgasm is another matter entirely. The way I see it, woman's ability to potentially cum much more often than man, as well as the problems some women have achieving an orgasm, seem to suggest women are meant to orgasm more than they currently do. Therefore women should be encouraged to orgasm as much as possible, whereas for men, for whom it is way too easy, it should be limited to absolute minimum.

Therefore orgasm should always be a prize for the man, something he gets only if he has fulfilled his responsibilities towards the woman adequately. If that man has no such woman, for one reason or another, it is simply the mother nature's way of saying that man should not cum, it's as simple as that. That their cum should stay in their testicles, as long as they live.

The original post can be found at:

Friday, March 29, 2019


This blog posts is about my relationship to orgasms, from two very different viewpoints. A few days ago there was a question on a kinky Facebook group whether there's fetish for orgasm. To be exact, the question was about one's partner's or sub's orgasm, for example in D/s relationship, fantasizing about making one's sub to pass out, being obsessed about it and so on.

Well, I have a huge, huge fetish for my partner's orgasm, and for female orgasm in general. One could even claim it's not quite healthy anymore, but then again, what fetish is?

As you know, I am an assigned submissive male, but I have always have what I call a pleasing fetish, doing whatever my partner likes, forgetting my own physical pleasure but getting huge emotional pleasure in return. And that pleasing often includes female orgasm.

In most of my relationships there has been elements of BDSM but none of my partners have been purely dominant. When they have noticed how much I love to make them cum other ways than using my male-ish genitals they have been more than willing to let me.

In my head that has been an act of submission, even if the person I am making to cum is quite under my control as it happens. Also, since the act isn't a stepping stone to something else, but all there is for me, I like to get most out of it.

Meaning, when I go down on a woman I stay there until she gestures me to stop. There have been times they have lost their ability speak momentarily, after orgasming so much. When that happens I feel extremely pleased, knowing I have done a good job.

When I make my partner cum I want it to be an act of worship, plain and simple, and I wouldn't even want to soil it with my own physical pleasure. Like I said, maybe not totally healthy, but I cannot help it. Woman orgasming is my opinion the most beautiful sight in the world.

A few days earlier there had been another question in the very same group. This time the question was about "mind fuck". Is that your kink? What do you like about doing it or recieving it? And so on. Well, I have always felt mind fuck it's so much more erotic than anything you can do with or to your body. 

Let's take an example. As you all know I have a huge orgasm denial fetish. However, I still remember the time when the idea of not being able to cum daily was unthinkable, and by the third day I was usually climbing on walls.

Those days I had a young and pretty girlfriend, who had a quirky personality, and a dominant streak she knew I liked. We were unable to see each other daily, so we spent most of our time on chat.

Once the discussion between us led us to cum bans and she decided it would be fun to forbid cumming for me until we saw each other again. 

Then she went through every day I wasn't allowed to cum, each as a separate chat message:

"You're not allowed to cum today." 

"You're not allowed to cum tomorrow." 

"You're not allowed to cum the day after." 

"And you're not allowed to cum the four days following that."

Then she told she would be cumming a lot during that time, and to just make it more tormenting for me she would let me know every time she had one. And that she would have one right away.

At that point I was so horny, my heart was racing, and my hands were literally shaking.

Does that qualify a mind fuck?

Wednesday, March 6, 2019


To weed her friend list a friend of mine on her Facebook wall whether people support gay marriage or not. I told her I support gay marriage the way I support the sun. Or the moon. They exist whether I support them or not. They don't ask nor need my support, or approval. Thinking they do would be quite silly. But yes, of course I do, most of my friends are queer. Still, that's the principle.

Seriously speaking though, the whole marriage thing is a rather interesting question, since it almost always involves the church somehow. To me that's doubly problematic since I'm an Atheist, more or less. I find the whole idea of a "church wedding" with priest and everything somewhat archaic tradition, and feel a wedding should be an union between two people, and their families, not imaginary friends of theirs. So I sort of hope people would grow up and learn some day to tie the knot without religions involved.

Well, a few years ago we had a big hand-twisting over here over gender neutral marriage. The law was voted on the parliament and it was passed, but only barely. The gay people had had a possibility of registering their relationship even before that, granting them all the rights of a married couple, minus a right to adopt children. What was discussed now however was marriage, and some people felt it would be wrong to force priests to wed gays against their religious beliefs.

And yes, when I say "the church" I mean the church, not a church. Now, I know that in States there are... what, hundreds of bigger and smaller churches spread all over the country. And I have understood it's possible to be asked on a workplace what church you belong to, and that it may be unwise in the light of your career to say: "None, I'm an Atheist!". Good-bye, promotion.

In Finland, however, there is one big Evangelical Lutheran Church to which 70% of Finns belong to. It's more or less a part of state, and for hundreds of years it was solely the church's job to keep on tabs where people were born, where they lived and so on, all the census stuff. Finns are not very religious though, and most people who belong to the church do so only because it's sort of a thing you do. The Sunday services aren't a thing families go regularly or at all. In fact they are mostly attended by only people that are "publicly in faith" and elderly people.

Belonging or not belonging to the church however has become an important weapon in the gender neutral marriage battle. There is a certain Finnish politician from the Finnish Christian party (yes, we have one, but it's extremely small) who is very vocal about things having to with gay marriage, and whenever she opens her mouth in media the numbers of people resigning from the church sky-rocket. It's really easy to do, and there's even a website you can do it in less than a minute.

This has, in fact, been something that's hard to explain from people from States. During one of these resignation peaks I saw a comment on an international discussion forum, most likely from someone from USA: "How do you "resign" from a church? Just stop going there, it should send them the message!" Well, it doesn't work like that over here. 

Anyhow, when the gender neutral marriage was a hot potato, I was somewhat disappointed as I realized how big thing a church wedding still was to so many people. It seems that marriage and the church go hand in hand, no matter what. I would never, ever have a church wedding, though. Even the idea gives me the creeps.

Do you want to hear how I would like it to be handled? Well, in my ideal society marriage and the church would be completely divided. If a couple loves each other and wants to commit for life they could tie a juridical union, which could be called for example a marriage, and which would be the same no matter the gender of the people involved. It could be even between more than two people, making polyamory a legal, binding union.

If the people involved would also like to have a great big party with a band and all their loved ones present, they could do so. And if they are religious, they could invite also the holy person of that religion to bless their union. No religious organization would have to bless anyone if they're against the union in question, of course. But in that case the couple should ask themselves whether this is a religion or a church they truly want to be a part of?

Some time earlier the same Facebook friend had asked whether people believed there are more than two genders. The reason, again, was most likely tho weed out the bigots.

My answer? Well, as we all know many Native American cultures had four genders, and the wild animal kingdom has a wide range of interesting variations when it comes to gender and reproducing.

I have many times wished we could "all be just people" but with human species the gender has become incredibly over-emphasized during the last couple of hundreds of years. Male and female body don't differ that much from each other, but fashion emphasizes the differences insanely. Gender dictates how you're being treated, sometimes the whole course of your life. Those who don't feel comfortable in the small box that is called being a man, in early 21st century western culture often go to the other extreme, or they feel they have to.

The whole sexual landscape, or should I say battleground, is filled nowadays with classifications and labels, and many people seem to have the need to define themselves with a long list stating what kind of -sexual one is. (I am chastisexual, among other things, it's a word I came up myself.) So it seems the issue of gender is coming more and more important, not the other way around.

I don't know what I am, and I've had to make use the same smörgåsbord of labels everybody else uses: demisexual, sapiosexual, gender fluid, you name it. I also like the terms female man, or feminine male. I have had to use the labels, since for many people I have talked with on-line, there seems to be only two options, whether I'm a man, or I am going to get myself operated woman, no middle-ground.

I know I am physically a male and that will never change, but at the same time I have never been comfortable in that role socially, and what is expected of me. For years I got "You are a 20-year-old woman" results from "highly-scientific" on-line tests. I merely found it hilarious, because I found the role of a traditional manly man extremely distasteful. Like I said, I don't know what I am. All I know is that without this whole idea of being non-binary I would be even more depressed, and feel even much more of a failure as a man.

But still, there are days I hope the gender roles would all just go away, and everyone could be whatever they want, and wear whatever they want. To simple be people. I wear skirts and knee-high stripey socks while I'm at home, because that's what I feel most comfortable and pretty in. Or to put it the other way, this way I don't feel ugly, which was the situation before something "snapped" inside my head year and a half ago. I had never looked myself in the mirror and thought "Damn I look good" before that happened. But still, I don't have guts to go out in a skirt, thanks to gender roles.

I know I shouldn't complain. I live in a culture, in Scandinavia to be exact, where the gender has much less impact on your life than in other parts of the world, even less than in USA. Also, there are no gender pronouns here, we're all "hän" in Finnish, unlike, say, in Swedish where there's han and hon, meaning he and she. The word for woman isn't derived from the word for man, Mr. and Mrs. (as well as Miss) are completely different words, and people seldom use them, but use people's first names (or, if you want to be formal, both first and the last name) instead, and so on. So yes, trans people do have it a bit easier over here, I'm proud to say.

Did this answer the question a slightest bit? I have no idea.