Wednesday, September 18, 2019


Gloria Steinem has said: "Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else". I have noticed that in my case the same thing applies to edging.

Recently there was a post on one of the sites I'm on, with a picture of a man masturbating his sizable, erect cock, with the text: "Reblog if this is your favourite hobby. Naturally I did, because there's no denying it.

My genital appendix is perhaps a fifth of the size of the monster in the photo, and I'm completely impotent, meaning I use only two fingers to masturbate. And as you know, I don't cum, only edge. But other than that, yes. Masturbation is without a doubt my favourite hobby.

If there's a chance, I usually edge several hours a day, sometimes more than once a day. As I pull my limp clit I get such a high, feeling that this is what I was made to do, what I'm supposed to do in life. I'm a wanker. And I've very proud to be one, because it is one of the few things I'm good at.

Nothing gives me greater joy than edging for hours, taking myself as close to orgasm as possible, but knowing there is no chance whatsoever I will actually cum. That information gives edging its meaning. Knowing the hornyness won't away, ever.

Many times I won't stop until I'm too exhausted or tired, or hungry, usually all three because I usually skip meals to be able to masturbate more. Or, if I actually have some social life, or a party to attend to. Many times at a party I find myself thinking I would much rather be edging at home.

As you may guess, I was masturbating frantically as I was writing this.

I remember one time when I was going on and on and on about it to an on-line Domme I know. How I love to hear that I cannot cum, or that I'm not supposed to cum, like normal people. "I think I know you well enough to know orgasms bring you no pleasure", she said. "As it should be". What she said made me think.

Physically, edging does give me pleasure. After all, that is the reason I pull my limp such insane amounts of time. Daily if I get a chance, usually hours at a time, if possible. I love the feeling of orgasm waiting for to happen, deep inside my testicles. But I want to keep it there, and stay horny.

But orgasms are the tricky part. I think it's true they give me no pleasure anymore, not on their own at least. Having them just feels so... wrong. They're too enjoyable, for me at least. I haven't earned that kind of pleasure. Other people are supposed to have them, not me.

So, in other words, it's mostly in my head. My body would like to have them, that's why it's so excited whenever I start to edge, as is my brain.

But my brain knows I am not supposed to have orgasms, or experience that kind of pleasure. My brain and my body disagree there, but they both do feel I should edge as much as possible, be as horny as possible, and get myself as close to the orgasm as possible, but never actually to experience it.

I have been without an orgasm for more than 400 days at the moment. In fact as I'm writing this it's less than three months to reaching my previous record of 497 days and finally breaking it. I am confident this time I will be able to do it. Most likely I want to make 2019 a completely orgasm-free year for me.

I have spoken about my chastity many time with people on-line, and told them it's very hard to think what to do afterwards. Why stop there? If I cum I will have to start from scratch again. Wouldn't it be much more fun to keep going, to see how long is it possible to go?

I have also told them I feel that stopping now would require an incredibly strong motivation. It would have to be something momentous, such as a woman actually wanting to see live how I finally cum, after all this time, preferably by ruining my own orgasm. 

However, such woman appearing from somewhere just like that seems highly unlikely, at least as long as I spend most of my time at home edging. Only thing that would be able to "save" me from more and more denial is in fact a woman. But it seems I'm at the moment quite safe from something like that happening. 

I do remember the time I used to have orgasms, even though after I have forgotten how they actually feel by now. The moment of an orgasm was glorious, but every single time I felt such shame afterwards. I think it was because in 99,99% of the times I have orgasmed, I have had to do it without a permission from a woman. 

I have been fortunate enough to experience it a few times. And I must say, whenever I've had a permission from a woman or done it under observation it has felt so good. No shame, only satisfaction that comes from obeying. Having to decide myself when to cum and when not, it's just so wrong, and so unnatural.

I am so deep inside this, in my feelings of worthlessness, and that I'm supposed to be denied of orgasms, and many things majority of people takes for granted. In fact, I know if I had to explain this to someone they would think I'm insane. They just wouldn't understand. That realization, feeling so alienated, feeling such a freak, scares me sometimes.

Then again, I seem to have a some sort of self-destructive quality in me, and I've never hid my submissiveness, or the fact I know very much about porn, when I'm in company  

A few days ago I attended a meeting. I'm not as tech savvy as most of my friends, and like to print the stuff I need in the meeting. But because I want to save the planet, as well as money, I often print them on the backs of sheets we've already used for something else.

As we were having the meeting a female friend of mine who was sitting opposite of me started giggling and told me the reason for it, as well. The back of the stack of papers I was holding had a text "OPEN DOORS, EVERYBODY WELCOME" and a giant arrow pointing, well, straight to my crotch.

"Oh, I must disappoint you" I said, as I took a folder out to hide the text from amused eyes. "I'm afraid there's nothing in my pants that would interested a freshman geek girl. Unfortunately".

As we were continuing the meeting my friend still had trouble getting over the situation and said between giggles: "Sorry, I'm just not able to..." I scoffed. "Well, neither am I, that's the whole problem!"

At this point another of my female friends intervened, and said that perhaps this is a bit too much information, even in our normal standards.

What can I say. Never be ashamed of what you are.

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