I want to warn you beforehand that this will be a long post, the longest one yet. There have been couple on instances I have been able to cut my blog posts in several parts, but in this time there seemed to be no way to do it. Also, I wanted to document all in as detailed way as possible, to remember it myself.
Also, unfortunately I have to add that even though the weekend was amazing, the things didn't continue that way. As I sort of expected, the following week the old monsters rose their heads again, and some other unfortunate things have taken place as well, which has been a cold shower to my amorous feelings. That is also the reason why it has taken me this long to write this post. But for now, let us return to the good days.
My Queen arrived on Saturday and since it was such a warm, sunny day she wanted us to go and spend some time downtown. We rarely wander around on the town aimlessly together, going from shop to shop without a specific plan, which I think is a pity. I would love to go shopping with my Queen more, especially if they are clothing shops. I'm a weird male, I know.
Among other things we were looking for running shoes for both me and her. She has told me she considers starting jogging in order to lose weight, and I have suggested to her we could even do it together. However, she had said she'd like hers to be something else than pink. On the other hand I would want mine to be pink, since it would encourage me to use them more.
This proved to be a bit more troublesome than we had anticipated, since it turned out the brightly coloured women's running shoes run out of sizes around 42, which is my foot size, and the men's sizes are all dull black and grey. I found it very depressing to realize our society so strict when it comes to gender roles that even running shoes have to be divided by gender.
Finally I found a pair that fit me, were affordable and pink, but the salesgirl didn't recommend them for running. The more suitable ones on the other hand were way out of my price league. So I was left without my bright pink running shoes. However, my Queen did find a nice pair for herself (they were black and bright green, if you're interested).
Still, it was a nice shopping trip and we managed to do some window shipping as well. Among other things I saw a pair of... well, heavenly red pumps I wanted so bad. Not only were they shiny, but they were... well, there's no other word than "porn red" to describe them. Unfortunately they were also out of my league when it comes to price.
We returned to my place and prepared a meal for ourselves which we ate at my balcony. This led us again into a subject I could open up a bit, to explain the differences between us.
The thing is, having fancy dinners with her is something I have wanted for us to put more effort into for some time now. However, this is one of the many things our preferences really don't seem to click. Or rather, where gender roles between us seem to go vice versa.
You know what I mean by a fancy meal: you buy something you cook or prepare for yourself, maybe buy a bottle of wine that goes well with it, lit a candle, dim the lights, put on a clean shirt, have a nice conversation while you have your dinner and become slightly tipsy.
What my Queen doesn't seem to understand is what is the point of spending a lot of time making something you eat in an instant. I have tried to explain to her, and explained again on the balcony, that the point is to prepare it together and to enjoy it together, without a rush.
Also, my Queen seems to think that drinking only a small amount of alcohol, for example a bottle of wine with fine meal, is a waste. Why not drink more, or nothing at all? Sometimes my Queen is such a Finnish male idiot, a thing I have told her numerous times.
Yes, I need to explain the idea of "a romantic candle lit dinner" to my girlfriend. I said I'm a strange male.
The main event for that day, however, took place that night and begun with some unpacking of some very special packages.
Like I have described earlier in this blog, lately we have started to experiment a bit with feminization. My Queen has confessed to me she's more into women than men, and therefore I have wanted for her to feel she has not only a boyfriend but also a girlfriend in me.
Some time ago we had played with makeup and some of her clothes, and discussed about what my female version, "Paula" would look like when it comes to hair. Afterwards I went on-line and started to look for a suitable wig.
Finally, after I had consulted with my Queen I had made the purchase, as well as bought some other toys, and the packages arrived in a matter of couple of weeks. However, due to our tight schedules we hadn't managed to put aside a sufficient amount of time to open them together, until now.
We opened the package with the wig in it, but before we could put it on me we had to make me ready otherwise as well. In fact I think this was the first time we did cross-dressing properly.
First my Queen told me to undress and go to the bathroom as she took out the hair removal cream. We had done it once before, so I knew what was coming. Previously we had done it at her place, but since I have a more spacious bathroom we could now do it properly. Above all I wanted to get rid of also the hair around my genitalia.
After I had showered the cream off my Queen shave my chin properly and then proceeded by painting my nails ruby red and continuing with makeup, lipstick, eyeliners and everything. Again my Queen told me how envious she is of my full. luscious lips. Then came the underwear with a pair of socks as boobs and finally a dark blue dress.
All the while this took place there was no mirror around so I couldn't see myself. Inside I was still the "male me". Therefore I was a bit surprised what took place as my Queen put the black wig on me. She adjusted it and said: "Wow...". I could see the look in her eyes, almost as if there was now someone in front of her she didn't know.
As I asked her what did she think I looked like she took a pause and said: "Curious. I see a woman, but she has my boyfriend's voice."
When she finally took me where I could see the mirror from the corner of my eye I understood what she meant. As I looked at the image, I couldn't see it clearly without my glasses, but it looked... an unknown woman.
When I finally went to the mirror I looked at my reflection for a long time. I wasn't freaked out, but I admit it was strange. It was a woman, but in the same time it was... me. I knew if I went outside in broad daylight anyone could see I was a man in a dress. However, by some weird way I had been transformed into something I could identify as a woman.
After a while being "Paula" started to feel more and more natural to me, and I even joked at some point, looking at the images of both of us in the mirror, that it looked like there was now two women in my apartment and I wasn't nowhere around.
I mentioned to my Queen that after all her work it would be a shame not to document it, and asked whether she would like to take some photos of me. She liked the idea and for what must have been almost an hour she took photos of me with my camera and told me how she would like me to pose.
I liked posing for her more than I had thought possible. Or to be exact, more than I would have liked if it had been the male me. It felt that as a woman it wasn't no longer me, the male me I mean. I felt sexy, something I had never felt as a male.
In fact I think if the photo shoot had continued long enough I may have ended up doing some really naughty poses. I felt so sexy I wanted to express it as well. It truly was something I got to experience first time in my life.
However, before things got that far my Queen said she would want to take a break, and collapsed on the bed next to me. After all, it had been a long day for both of us. Soon she said she was falling asleep, and that she would like to go to bed.
I had had no specific plans what to do as "Paula", or no idea what my Queen wanted to do with her girlfriend, only some vague ideas based on our previous experiments. However, going almost straight to bed wouldn't have been my first guess.
I wasn't disappointed, but I did feel sorry for all the work my Queen had put into me and making me "Paula". I even said to her I would like to go to bed with full gear on, including makeup and the wig, but ultimately my Queen talked me out of it.
Even though I enjoyed being "Paula" I did wonder whether embracing that persona was a wise thing to do. What if my Queen fells in love with Paula and doesn't want to have anything to do with the male me? These fears were laid rest the next day when my Queen admitted she had actually started to miss me, after being several hours with only Paula. I must say that made me feel good.
The next morning we even played with "Paula's" hair a bit more, and my Queen tried it on as well. The result was unexpected and I was surprised to see how much a wig can alter a person's appearance.
With Paula's wig my long haired Queen became a round-faced kindergarten teacher, when she put my glasses on she looked like a math teacher, and when she lowered them a bit she looked like a naughty but stern secretary.
In the end, however, we both decided Paula's wig wasn't for her, and she even seemed to consider getting a different kind of wig for herself. In fact, I told her, if we had several we could even swap them. I admit I also started to wonder what would I look like as a blonde.
The main thing in the next morning's agenda, however, was time for the phase two in our weekend: dyeing my hair. Since my natural hair colour is a dull shade of a dirt road, and to keep my grey hairs hidden, I have dyed my hair to pitch black for some years now.
A week or so earlier I had visited a barber and had my overgrown hair cut. However, on a request from my Queen I hadn't took it quite as short as I usually do. According to my Queen the cut she had seen last spring had made me look all too male. As a compromise to my girlfriend I had promised not to cut my hair as short if she agreed to help me with the dyeing it at home.
I had even mentioned this to the older lady who cut my hair, as I explained what I wanted. The lady looked surprised and made a comment which led me to think she must have thought it impossible for a man to be "too male".
Since the procedure of dyeing one's hair isn't very erotic or romantic I will skip it now. Let's just say I remembered again why I have let my barber to do it for some years now. It's hard to think more messy and potentially more dangerous activity for your bathroom.
The result was a success, though. My hair went from dull light brown to pitch black, or to be more precise, "cosmic blue" (at least according to Mr. Schwartzkopf). My Queen seemed happy with the result, as well, since she likes me black haired, as well as this shade in particular.
Unfortunately no one has made a single comment about the color so far, even though it's been over a couple of weeks now. I have wondered whether my friends would have been more comfortable saying how fabulous my new hair looks like if I had been I woman. I hate being a man.
The previous day I had suggested to my Queen it would be fun to have a very quick picnic, partly due to project I won't go into now. A river runs through a town I live in and the grassy riversides are a very popular place for people to spend warm summer days.
My Queen liked the idea so we went out, me in my new pitch black hair and had a very quick picnic by the riverside. I must say it felt good. It felt like being an actual couple, having a picnic, among all the other actual couples. After all the crap we had lately went through a little thing like that can mean so much.
After we had returned to my place and had dinner I put the sauna on. The fact I have sauna in my apartment in Finland is a bit like having a jacuzzi somewhere else. It's a bit of luxury, even though a luxury many people have. I get to use my sauna way too little so I try to use it every time we have a weekend together at my place, which isn't that often.
As we were waiting for the sauna to get warm enough we started kissing and cuddling on my bed, and quickly I understood my girlfriend wanted me to do something she likes, as a return favor for all she the things she had done for me so far. Naturally I complied.
What followed was perhaps the most successful domination session I have given to her so far, at least when it comes to verbal tease and abuse. We have even joked afterwards that since I don't seem to recall what exactly was it I said, it seems it wasn't me at all, but some "dom version of me", as my Queen put it.
I began getting the wrist cuffs out. They must be the best erotic toy we have, or at least the one she enjoys them most. I shackled her to the radiator pipe next to my bed, and then proceeded to tease her all over, slowly disrobing her.
One of the things that made the session a success may have been the fact we did things outside the bed as well. It's hard to remember what led to what anymore, but at some point she mentioned she hadn't never really used the hand held shower in my bathroom, which gave me an idea.
By that time she was already practically naked, whereas I was mostly clothed. I got up and, while holding the belt I had put on her throat, told her to follow me. As we approached the bathroom door she tried to go in first, but I tugged the belt sharply:
"Tut, tut! Not so quickly!" I said and turned her face to me. "This one requires a punishment."
Before my Queen had time to react I had given a sharp fillip (I hope that's the correct word) on her nipple, making her grimace from the pain.
"What do you say?" I asked my Queen and she looked at me uncertain.
"I'm sorry?" she answered and I took a tighter grip from the belt and brought her face closer to my own, and said nothing, just shook my head.
"Thank you?" she said finally and was rewarded with a pat on the head. "Good girl."
Inside the bathroom I ordered her on the toilet seat and told her the position to use the shower head, listening no objections. As she started to direct it towards her anus, water with full force, I saw her smile and heard her gasping a bit: "Oh... Oh! Oh..."
After she had a bit of fun I ordered her on her feet again by pulling from the belt and directed her in the centre of the bathroom where I reached my hand between her legs. I smiled and chuckled a bit. She was dripping wet, and I'm not referring to water now. I understood how much she must have liked our little game.
After we had returned the bedroom I made her stand next to the bed. I attached her writs together again and told her to remain standing and to keep her eyes closed. Then I went to get a nice long scarf and blindfolded her with it. "See anything?" I asked and she shook her head.
I got a pair of rubber gloves and made a bit of show putting them on. I knew my Queen didn't see a thing now, but she heard me quite well, and knew what was going to happen now.
"I'm putting these on because I don't want the smell of your disgusting pussy on my fingers", I said. "You understand that?"
"Yes, I understand", she said and nodded.
"After all, who in their right mind would like that? A smell of a disgusting stupid cunt like yours."
"No one", she said.
"Is your cunt disgusting?" I said as I slid my fingers between her spread legs and heard her gasp. She nodeded.
"No, properly" I said as I rotated my fingers. Her pussy was so slick she was almost dripping her juices to the floor.
"Yes, it is."
"No", I sighed loudly, expressing my anger and frustration. "I want you to say: My cunt is disgusting."
"My cunt i-is disgusting", my Queen said her voice shaking a bit.
Writing this down feels awful, as I remember more and more details of what came out of my mouth. No one should say things like that to a woman, no one. On the other hand I'm well aware the situation made my Queen horny as hell and she apparently enjoyed every minute of it.
Afterwards I even asked her whether what I had done been too much, too mean, or too cruel. The fact that her very sharp "No!" came almost before I had gotten the question out told me all I needed to know.
Originally my plan was to make her cum while she was standing. I got the soft silicone dildo she had brought with her and made her suck it for a bit. I told her how bad she was at it, which was after all the truth. Finally I took it out of her mouth, put it on and started to tease her pussy with it.
I am uncertain whether it was caused by her position, but this technique proved to be very ineffective. Therefore I discarded that idea and started to masturbate her with my skilled fingers she is very familiar with. At this point I told her I wanted her to orgasm while standing. However, even though she did her best, she had finally beg me to stop.
"I can't", she said. "I just can't."
"Okay", I said, withdrawing my hand. "No harm done. We will make you orgasm on the bed then."
I looked at her standing next to my bed. An idea occurred to me, but I had to gather courage for a moment or two for it. Then, without a warning, I shoved her to the chest and made her fell to the bed, with me soon all over her. What doubt I may have had, disappeared as I saw my Queen smiling.
What followed then was a very intense process of masturbating my Queen to orgasm. Her hands wrists were still attached together so she had no way of to resist, something I know she loves. I continued to taunt her and calling her names I won't be able to repeat here.
At one point I teased her with the idea that I could stop at any point if I wanted to, or I might if my hands got tired. They were nowhere near tired, of course, since I had a nice position and a good technique, but it felt good to threaten her with something like that.
"Please, don't" my Queen said, legs wide, looking as she was nicely closing an orgasm. "Don't stop, please."
"Then say so", I said with a firm voice, continuing to masturbate her. "Keep saying it or I will stop."
So, for the next minute or so she kept begging me not to stop. Later on she mentioned this too was something that had felt incredibly hot. Finally I put a stop to her begging by kissing her deep and hard. I remember her lips were cold and dry from all the panting and moaning.
Ultimately she reached the orgasm she was going for. This time it was very visible and I knew when to withdraw my hand, remove the glove and took her in my arms. The next day I asked her about it, and she said there had been only one orgasm. But it had been a huge, mind-blowing one.
Thinking about the whole thing afterwards, it's amazing how well, and naturally it all went. After all, being the dominant party isn't easy for me, and usually it feels very stressful to be the one in control. This time, however, things just happened, and the right things to say just came from somewhere.
After the sauna I brought up the subject of the rest of the packages. The thing is, the packages contained two stainless steel butt plugs. I had purchased them for myself after consulting my Queen, who had at that point been excited about them.
Afterwards I had many times mentioned to my Queen the idea that since our genitalia does't seem to be working the way it is supposed to, preventing a regular intercourse, would it be possible to do it vice versa, with her fucking me? Perhaps with a double-ended dildo?
My Queen had said that I do have a point, but that she's a bit reluctant about the idea of "anything going inside her". I had told her I understand her hesitancy, but that I still would like to start training my own boy pussy.
We opened the packages, but as we looked at the two stainless steel plugs I realized she was having a major case of cold feet about using them on me. Finally I had almost beg her, and I assured her she wouldn't have to touch them, just be at present.
Finally my Queen agreed. We put some of the Paula gear and proceeded. Unfortunately trying them out, or rather in, wasn't a complete success and at first it looked like a complete failure.
The first plug, a one with a red diamond at the end turned out to be way too small for me. The thin part in the middle was too short and made the tiny diamond completely disappear between the cheeks. Also, we were both worried the metal thing would slip completely inside me.
I was naturally disappointed because I had wanted us to spend rest of the night watching television together, me as Paula and the plug inside me. Finally I suggested we forget the first plug, and try the second one instead.
The second one had a red fluffy tail instead of the diamond, and it had been the one Queen hadn't been as excited about. I had purchased it nevertheless, and it was a good thing I did. This one went in, but I must say it didn't feel as I had hoped. It didn't feel like it belonged there, rather like my body was trying to push it out.
Not wanting to give up just yet I asked whether my Queen would like to lay on the bed with me having the plug inside, and she complied. As we lay next to each other I asked her to tap the fluffy part between my bum cheeks a bit.
It felt nice, but nothing mind-blowing. I said I'd like to know how would it feel if she tried to pull it a bit, but not enough to pull it out completely. She did as I had asked and had me moaning and gasping in moments, as well as describing how it feels.
Finally the plug came out and I begged her to put it back in. Thanks to the lot of lubricant it went back nicely. After this had happened a few times she started putting it in and out. I asked her to do it faster. This time she had now to find a better position. After all, what she had in her fingers was a tiny fluffy thing between my ass cheeks, not an actual handle.
She started to put the plug in and out of my ass fast. Within moments she had me moaning aloud, and describing that what she did felt as if she was really fucking me. Which, after all, she was.
I had played with my asshole a few times during my life, because... well, who hadn't? But I have to confess I hadn't never found it very pleasurable. Doing it on my own had always felt somewhat pathetic and, quite frankly, dirty.
But here I was now, clean and straight out of sauna, being held in my girlfriend's soft arms, being pounded in the ass. It felt so... well, pure, and natural. I moaned out loud and kept telling her how gay it was, and how good it still felt.
"Well, this is pretty gay, isn't it?" I remember her commenting.
After a while my Queen wanted to stop because the position wasn't very good. I was okay with that, since I was already happy with the results.
In other words, as butt plugs the purchases in question were far from successful. But as an experiment on anal play it was... interesting to say the least. It seems there's once again all sorts of things I need to look for from on-line toy shops.
After I had cleaned myself up we proceeded with the rest of the night, which was watching the last two episodes of a show we have followed recently, namely the first season of "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend".
Even though I hadn't gotten to fulfil my earlier Paula scenario, I still felt girly enough wanting to put one of my girlfriend's skirts on as we watched the show. It fit me quite nicely, thanks to my girlfriend's wide hips. In fact I ended up using it the rest of her visit, and wondering why is it men don't use skirts more.
The third day of her visit was Monday, 23rd of May, which was also the actual anniversary of my six month chastity.
I had that day an appointment at a local hospital, a visit I wanted my Queen to accompany me on. Thanks to the diabetes my retinas have to be documented at regular intervals. Beforehand the pupils have to be dialated, which means I'm more or less blind outside for several hours.
The trip to the hospital itself was a quite uneventful one, but I am sure it would have been much stressful one if I hadn't my Queen with me.
After we had returned to my place we lay on the bed and cuddled. We had left some hours, after which I knew my Queen had to leave. I had no huge plans anymore, since I felt I had already experienced so much during the last two days. However, as we lay on the bed kissing a thing occurred to me.
Since I had tied my Queen to a radiator tube the day before, I asked would she like to return the favor? We had done it once at her place couple of weeks earlier, and I had been surprised how much I had liked it. After all, I had always thought being tied up wasn't my thing.
My Queen complied and took the leather wrists shackles out, tying my wrists tightly together and then attaching them to the same pipe her own hands had been tied to a previous day. She had her fun with me for a while, among other things tickling me from all over while in the same time sitting on top of me so I had no chance of even squirming much.
After a while my Queen took out her ball gag and asked whether she could put it on me. She had purchased it last summer, wanting to know whether it was her thing or not, and I had used it on her a couple of times. However, as far as remember, I hadn't used it so far. I wanted to please her so, I said she could.
It was a curious feeling. Even though I had believed the gag would feel uncomfortable, it wasn't. Neither was being bound tightly from my writs with hands above my head. There wasn't even a hint of panic, as I squirmed in the leather shackles, only the feeling of... well, being safe. Also the inability to speak and the thought that my Queen had put the gag on me to finally shut me up in bed seemed very erotic in a humiliating way.
My Queen had fun with me, or I had fun with her, for what must have been almost an hour. During that time she even asked me where my straw mug was, and made me to drink water from it. This was something we had done a couple of times earlier, and my Queen knows how much I adore bladder torture.
However, since my bladder was relatively empty at the time we started, I didn't get to experience the kind of desperation I had done in the past. I can only imagine what being tied up and gagged, with full bladder would have felt like.
At one point my Queen even opened my pants a bit and played with my soft penis for a while. I know my Queen has her reservations touching it, and even though I was nowhere near the edge it felt great to receive even a bit of attention from her.
When my Queen finally zipped up my trousers and started to remove the bonds I howled aloud with disappointment, since I knew the fun was about to end.
We both knew my Queen wouldn't be spending the next night at my place, but neither of us was ready to call it an end just yet. Since we still had a few hours to spare, I suggested we could watch the Addams Family, a movie my Queen had heard so much about, but had never seen it. Her being from religious family may have been an influencing factor.
There was unfortunately some technical difficulties but we managed to watch the movie. I am not sure whether my Queen actually liked it, or whether it was something she was expecting, after all the things she had heard about it. However, at least I got a kick after the move by whispering passionately "Cara mia!" to her and then kissing her deeply.
Before my Queen had to leave we spent another hour engaging in an activity that may not be the most usual kinky practice, but a one that is very perverse: plucking hairs from face. The thing is, even how well I shave, it seems there's a tiny dark hairs around the edges of my face.
Getting to pluck them out one by one with cosmetic pinchers is, according to my Queen, very therapeutic and rewarding for her, even though ii is not a fetish for me. After all, it hurts and the procedure can sometimes last an hour or so. But since it is something my Queen wants to do to me, and it lets me to be at her mercy, I endure the discomfort gladly.
By the time she was satisfied and pleased with the result we had been laying in the bed for several hours. In that time the water I had drank earlier as well as the soft drinks we had had during the movie had reached my bladder. My Queen had visited the bathroom once or twice in that time, but since I enjoy bladder discomfort as an erotic torture I hadn't.
After my Queen put the pinchers away we continued talking. I was still laying on the bed curled up on my side with my back against the wall. She on the other hand sat on the bed with her legs crossed and lightly pressing to me. As she was shifting her position a bit I realized my bladder really begun to feel full, and I told her that.
"Oh, really?" she said and leaned more to her side. Her knee pressed more strongly to my lower abdomen and I let out a sigh that was a mixture of ecstasy and pain.
"Oh, that... feels so divine", I said softly and saw my Queen resting her head against her palm, with her elbow resting on her knee tilting herself to her left even more. "Mmm, I can believe it does", I heard her saying and smiling.
So she looked so beautiful as she sat there, smiling beautifully and torturing me sweetly the same time, even though on the surface she seeming doing nothing.
"Oh god, I love you so" I said to her, from the bottom of my heart.
All in all, we managed to fit an incredible amount of things in those mere three days. In fact I suspect there is something I may have forgotten from this record. Things fade from memory so fast.
One more thing I want to mention has to do with gender roles, and more especially, with painted nails on men.
We had discussed on Sunday night what to do the next day, when I was supposed to have my retina check-up. Did I want the polish to be removed? Well, the thing was, I didn't, simply because my red nails looked so pretty. Finally we ended up doing the hospital trip with the polish on. No one noticed them, or at least didn't say anything about them.
I knew I wouldn't be able to keep the polish on indefinitely, since in a couple days I would have a meeting where my Queen would be present as well. And even though I was able to go to a hospital in them I wasn't still ready to let my friends see me like that. I wasn't that ready to came out of the closet, whatever closet it was.
However, the next couple of days I enjoyed my red nails as much as I could. I took good care of them, so that the tips of the nails looked nice. I admired them from time to time, since they looked so beautiful. The day I had my meeting I waited for the last possible moment to remove the red polish, and felt sad as I did so.
In fact, I later on told to my Queen, I even felt more efficient during those couple of days, as I worked on my computer. It sounds weird, but in a way it felt almost as it wasn't actually me, as I looked at the female looking fingers dancing on the keyboard.
A question that has occupied a lot of my thoughts lately is why is it our society so strictly defines what is allowed for men, or women. I know that there are people who question those standards, and in fact to many a system where people are divided into two genders is something they oppose.
However, it is one thing to say one is free to do anything one wishes, and another thing entirely to actually do it. A man can use paint on one's nails, or dress into a skirt, if he belongs to a goth band, for example. Try to do that if you don't, and you will be a freak.
I'm not sure whether it's some sort of quiet rebellion, but my toe nails are still bright red. I smile goofily every time I go to take a shower and see them.
I can't wait for the next time I get to do girl stuff with my Queen.