This is my first post in some while. There is, however, reasons behind the silence, mostly having to do with my Queen. And much of it isn't good. I will explain.
I'm aware that by providing only a limited amount of information about her, or choosing carefully what to tell and what not to, I may have created an impression of a mysterious sex goddess. This post will most likely change your idea of her somewhat.
The thing is, she is only a human being. A young woman, who is, after her own description, a huge bundle of problems. She has issues that has made our sexual life perhaps less wild and adventurous than it could have been, and she admits it all herself. However, she is also a woman I love very, very much.
At the time of the holiday season she informed me it seemed some of her old demons seems to be making a comeback with full force. She spent several weeks around Christmas at her parents, and that much time must have been enough for the old nightmares to emerge again.
She had mentioned this side of her to me previously, but only during the last month or so I have understood how powerful these demons of hers truly are.
I don't want to go into too much detail, but the demons in question have to do with anxiety, hypochondria, and at times almost constant certainty that she is going to die, even though there's no reason for her to think so. It doesn't sound much, but believe me, it is.
I have tried to be there for her as much as I've could, but one can do only so much. It hurts seeing the woman you love being in so much pain, in so much anguish, and knowing there is nothing one can do to help, or to make it all go away.
I have told her she needs to seek professional help, since this is something that clearly isn't normal or healthy anymore. In fact, according to her this all is something that has burdened her for the good part of her life. She is well aware of this, and she is currently doing just that.
I do hope things will start to get better at some point. However, after being in a long term relationship with a depressed person I'm painfully aware it's not an easy road. In any case, the past month has been hard and strength-consuming for both of us.
This has all resulted into diminished sex drive in her as well as in me. It's hard to feel sexy if the woman you love and adore doesn't feel it either, or is in as bad state as she is. Some way I even feel I don't have the right to feel horny, or think about sexual matters in this situation.
However, my Queen has bad days, and she has good days. At the moment we both hope the phase she has been the past couple of weeks was the rock bottom. At least during the last week or so there has been positive development and even some steamy stuff between us. But first, a bit of background.
You may remember I mentioned issues my Queen has when it comes to sexual matters. Some of these issues have to do with her reluctance of doing certain things with our bodies and the fact sex is so messy business to begin with. Her reluctance when it comes for example intercourse hasn't been a problem for me, since it has never appealed to me much either, especially considering my impotence.
What is unfortunate, however, is the fact that this reluctance also involves being in close contact with my tiny member. In fact it took literally months before she was ready to look at it, let alone hold it. She has said that, as preposterous as it sounds, the idea of having to ultimately be in contact with a penis simply didn't occur to her at the time we started dating.
I have made my best not to push her into anything, and over time being in close contact with my private parts has become less and less difficult for her, but it has been a long road. However, the act of me masturbating for her, a thing I have fantasized, and would just love to do, simply for the humiliation aspect, is something she has said she really doesn't want to see.
I know this all sounds like I'm dating a lesbian. It's true I have anguished many times whether I would appal her less if I had vagina instead of penis. In fact I would get one in a flash, if it were possible, or we lived in a world imagined by science fiction author John Varley, where getting a sex change is almost as easy as getting a haircut.
Reconciling all of this hasn't been easy, and there has been times it had taken a toll on me, as well, in terms of mental health. Seeing her acting the way she does has at times made me feel there is something wrong with me. There has to be, if touching it is so appalling?
However, we have had long conversations about this, and she insists she would be almost as much freaked about doing things with a vagina, and I have no option but to believe her. Penises, she says, merely are so much more alien to her. As alien as vaginas have been to me the most part of my life. We're a weird couple, I know.
I have been well aware from the very beginning my girlfriend is bisexual. I don't have any problems with it, since it is clear she loves me. I've also been more than flattered to realize it is my feminine qualities that made her to fall in love with me in the first place. In me, we've joked, she has both a boyfriend and a girlfriend, all in one.
After we started joking about it, I have been more than happy to play along with her desire to put makeup on me, and to make me to look more like a girl. I find these situations unbelievably erotic and humiliating, and I also love to see the excitement in her eyes as she does it, at keeps telling how much more beautiful I become because of it. She has said on number of occasions how envious she is of my full and luscious lips.
Therefore, it is unfortunate her sexual preference, or rather it manifesting the way it does seems to trouble her way much more than it does me. There has been number of times she has cried in my arms about the erotic dreams she keeps having. Just as her reluctance to sexual matters in general, we've gathered, this too is caused by her upbringing.
I have tried to console her and told her over and over again that it doesn't matter to me. If anything, it's bit of a turn-on. Or, at least a compliment that she still chose me, over all the other girls in the world.
In the light of all this it is somewhat strange how madly in love we are. At least she seems to be as crazy about me as I'm crazy about her.
I have explained the situation we're in order you to better understand what comes next. This all has a huge importance to me, even though my Queen didn't quite grasp it at first.
Some days ago I was spending time with my Queen's apartment. After some rough days her anxiety appeared to be more tolerable, and she seemed to be in the mood for some hanky panky. It was quite a while she had been so the last time. I also got the impression she preferred me taking the first step.
Things simply didn't feel to click, however. After almost an hour going round and round the subject I mentioned to her that she had never answered me when I asked her on a chat what would she think if I did masturbate regularly like a normal guy. My Queen seemed a bit uncomfortable, and finally admitted she wouldn't like the idea.
Now, you must understand that for a good part of our relationship I have been aware that being in chastity is my thing, not my Queen's, and that I have been very fortunate she is so open minded as she is. She's not dominant by nature, and she has told it to me herself, that keeping a guy in chastity was never a thing she fantasized about.
In other words, what she now said seemed almost too good to be true. I asked her about it again, heart starting to beat faster, did she really mean that. I took her face in my hands and asked she really didn't like the idea of me masturbating? Even when I'm at home by myself? That she really preferred me chaste, and denied?
She answered yes to all of these questions, and something indescribable happened. I was engulfed by some sort of sexual frenzy and was masturbating her furiously in matter of few moments. It was, after all, all I could do, since masturbating myself, something my body wanted me to do, was naturally out of question. It didn't take long for me to give my Queen an orgasm.
My Queen had to run off to a lecture soon after that, so there was no time for much post-orgasmic cuddling. I was, however, head high in the clouds for the rest of the day. In fact after I got back home simply thinking about our short conversation made me so horny I got to experience the sweet, tormenting waves of horniness during which you think you could cum in your pants simply by thinking about it.
Therefore it was quite a surprise for me, when we later discussed the events of the morning with her, and she told me she didn't much remember what we had talked about, only the result. Even after I refreshed her memory she seemed a bit hesitant, even reluctant to talk about it.
Finally she admitted the reason for it. It seems this is one of the things she has feel guilty about. Not wanting to see or touch my penis, or doing much about anything with it, not thinking about me masturbating, let alone cumming. It seems she feels this is something she shouldn't feel, that it's abnormal and wrong.
In fact, she finally admitted, when I had originally had gathered up my courage, and told her almost a year ago now, that I had been in self-imposed masturbation ban at that time way over a year, she was more than just okay with. She had been relieved.
She told me that prior to it she had thought I must masturbate on my own, just like any other guy, but she had tried not to think about it. After I revealed to her what I thought to be a cause of shock for her, she was more than just not freaking out had. She had actually been pleased.
I admit I have gotten perhaps overly enthusiastic about this new turn of events, way more than her at least. I have tried to make my Queen to understand how wonderful I think this all is. What she feels isn't anything she needs to feel least bit guilty about. I don't care if she doesn't like the idea of me masturbating. As far as I'm concerned she can hate it and my male slime as much as she likes.
What I've basically went on and on about is that she is free to embrace her distaste for it, or the appeal of the idea of me being pure, chaste and denied, as much as she likes. After all, isn't this a perfect quality for someone in charge of other persons orgasms? Of a person who desired and longs for being denied? What she feels could have been a problem if she dated a normal guy, granted. With us, however, it seems this is merely one thing that makes us perfect for each other.
What I have said seems finally to be sinking in. The other day she even mentioned she's a bit amazed I'm so good at turning things around, and making disadvantages advantages. But what else is there for me to do?
One could say that even though nothing hasn't changed in our relationship, everything has. It's as in lighting of an interior has changed. Everything is at the same exact place they were before, but everything looks different. At least for me it does.
This has been a log update, with very little actually happening in it, in terms of steamy action at least. If anyone managed to wade through it all the way to here, I salute you. At another level however, this may be the most significant post I have made so far.
What will all of this mean for our relationship? I really can't say. All I can say that at the moment it makes me feel more grateful and fortunate than ever before.