Originally my plan was to make this and the previous blog post one in which I would cover all that has happened to me recently. There simply seemed to be too little to tell in two separate posts. Despite my intentions it all ended up so long I am now making two posts.
The following took place a little less than a week after the incidents described in the previous post, this Monday to be exact. I ended up spending the night at her place, even though it wasn't at all planned. However, it seemed my Queen wanted me to stay, since she would be traveling that week for a few days and we wouldn't have a chance to see each other until the end of the week.
It also seemed a perfect opportunity for some hanky panky. Mother nature, who has had the tendency to thwart our plans so many times, was away and even my Queen seemed to be in the mood. I'm sad to inform that in that sense the visit was a failure. There was couple of potential instances, but on both occasions there were things that prevented something from clicking.
Aside from the lack of making my Queen to orgasm, however, the visit was a very pleasant one. I will explain.
What happened was very unplanned, and all in all a curious series of events. We both showered before going to bed, which is something we don't do on regular basis. While I was in the shower I got shampoo in my eye making it so irritated I had to keep my eyes closed. I went to bed wearing nothing but my Queen's bathrobe and keeping my eyes shut. After a while I felt my Queen joining me.
It's somewhat hard to remember afterwards the exact order of the events, but at some point my Queen ended up opening my bathrobe a bit and started to examine my flaccid penis.
Like I've told you, my Queen doesn't have a habit of doing that very often, so it felt quite a treat. I even asked her about it at one point, is she sure this isn't unpleasant for her? She assured me it wasn't. "This isn't anything I feel I'm pressured into doing", she said.
She kept saying how velvety and soft the skin on my penis felt, as she caressed it tenderly with her fingertips. This all was very pleasant to hear and I felt my penis starting to react, which it rarely does. I was very pleasantly surprised, to say the least, and I almost couldn't believe it.
In retrospection I think the thing that made it stir was the fact I knew my Queen did all of this willingly. That she felt comfortable doing it. That she actually wanted to caress my soft little penis. Things like that seem to matter a great deal to the part of my brain responsible of my sexuality.
A thing that also made all even more erotic was the fact that I still kept my eyes closed. The lack of vision meant I couldn't see anything, not even check whether I had a proper erection or not. There was only her fingers and my penis, her voice and mine, and the sensations it all created, with me in the complete darkness.
I'm aware my Queen didn't exactly know what to do most of the time, but I think her hesitancy and the tentativeness feel made the whole thing even more erotic. The fact that she tried meant she must love me, I thought. She kept caressing and teasing me and I felt my member starting to swell more and more. I don't think I had a good, solid erection at any point, but what I experienced felt great.
There was a lot of verbal teasing going back and forth between us as well, but the details escape me. I was so relaxed, aroused and half asleep, all in the same time, that it all felt like a dream. I also got so aroused it was hard for me form coherent sentences time to time, something that always seem to amuse my Queen.
What we talked about, however, was about the fact cumming was not allowed for me, how she wanted me, her boyfriend, to stay chaste and pure. How all men who orgasmed and ejaculated were disgusting and yucky, and that she didn't want to date someone like that.
Women who orgasm are another thing entirely. Women should orgasm freely, whenever they feel like it, especially her, my Queen. It was their basic right. It was only natural. But no, she said when I tried to object, it was not natural for men. They should have no such right. Especially me. Because she didn't like the idea of me cumming.
As you can believe from what I've written, I was insane with lust at that point. As I am now as I'm writing this, truth to tell, and returning to those moments in my mind.
It was a really intense experience, all in all. There were times I started to approach the threshold, so to speak, and those moments were the hardest. On those moments I felt my resolution starting to crumble. I started to think how it would be like to cum, to be allowed to cum, and how great it would feel.
There was even one time, when my Queen started to apply on me something that could be called "a wiggling technique". At that moment I almost begged her to stop. Part of me was afraid I would get too close and end up cumming, part of me was afraid that if I got too close I wouldn't care, that my body would take control, and I would let the accident happen, and not warn my Queen in advance.
All in what I felt was not only physical, but also mental anguish. I felt as if my mind was tearing itself apart, fighting with itself, torn between the sudden desire to cum, and to get all that vile and nasty sperm out of my testicles, and the desire to stay chaste and pure for my Queen.
Fortunately we never got too close and no accidents took place. I think at one point I tried to convey some of this to my Queen, but I'm not whether I managed, in my only semi-coherent state. However, I do remember my Queen clearly stating very clearly that no, she did not want me to cum.
Finally I opened my eyes and looked at her. I blinked, feeling disoriented and looked around me. The whole thing couldn't have lasted more than a few minutes, no more than five at least, I think, but it felt as if I had just emerged from somewhere very deep.
My Queen smiled and said that I looked as I had just orgasmed. I sighed deeply, closed my eyes and nodded. It wasn't the post orgasmic sensation men are used to feel, but in some weird way it was something even better.
When I got back the ability to speak I thanked my Queen, and told her that this was what I wanted, sexually speaking, exactly this. Nothing more. And by giving it to me she had made me very, very happy.
"Well, I'm glad to hear it", my Queen said, even though I have a feeling she didn't quite grasp how serious I was at that point, how wonderful and satisfying it had felt. How important and meaningful it had been for me.
In the morning we lay a long time in bed, and talked about a lot of things, two of which are worth mention, in erotic sense.
I am not completely sure how we ended up talking about it, but at some point we were discussing about tail butt plugs, and whether I would look good in one, and what color it should be. She seemed to be very interested about the idea, which surprised me a bit. I said I had gotten the idea she's not into that kind of erotic play, or about the idea of putting anything there.
"Oh, I'm not", she said. "As long as it's me in question. But your butt is another thing entirely." Then she smiled and looked at me eyes gleaming, and I felt as is my heart was beginning to melt.
Now I'm going through online adult toy stores and looking for an affordable model. Oh dear.
The other thing I want to mention takes us into the world of crossdressing. Hold on to your seats.
At this point we were already in the process getting up, and starting to look for our clothes we had tossed by the bed. In the spur of the moment I picked up my Queen's bra and started playing with it, and finally actually starting to put it on, a thing I remembered never doing before.
"You want me to hook them on for you?" my Queen asked and I said yes. I felt them tighten up as she stretched the straps in order to be able to hook the bra. It was clear I had much wider shoulders than she had. When it was on I was amazed, however, how good they felt on me.
My Queen is big, as they say, and the bras she uses are the kind that actually support the breast, not only cover it. In other words, even though the cups of the bra were now hollow on my chest, they created a form that looked like an actual breast.
My Queen seemed to share this sentiment. As I modeled them a bit for my her she said it was amazing how natural they looked. "You almost look like a sporty lesbian girl", she said. "With your short hair and all."
For some reason I was very eager to look myself in the mirror, which is odd, since it had taken me some doing to be able to do it with makeup on. I looked myself in the mirror and got my Queen to giggle as I said, amazed: "Damn, I look hot!" The most curious thing is I was dead serious.
I seemed so enthusiastic about the bra she mentioned she had another pair she had planned to throw away, since they didn't seem to fit her after all. She told me where to get them, and then helped them on to me.
I modeled in them for her a bit and noticed they didn't fit me as well as the previous pair had either. However, my Queen told me I could have them if I wanted, because she had been serious about throwing them away.
In other words I am now a happy owner of a 85 D cup bra.
All in all, not a bad surprise visit, wouldn't you say?
It seems most of my updates start the same way nowadays. It's been a while since my last post again, and even though there hasn't happened much, in some way a lot has happened.
My Queen and I ended up having a quarrel of sorts. It wasn't an actual fight, since we don't seem to do them, merely a silly little thing that got out of proportion. Or as it turned out, certain things that are not well in out relationship manifested themselves in the quarrel.
I ended up being in a sour mood, and to resolve things I wrote a long message to my Queen and explained how I felt about certain things, and how certain situations made me feel. Somehow it seems our age difference manifests itself in odd ways.
We saw each other the next day and after an awkward and tense beginning my Queen said that it may be that some things that have caused her anxiety and bothered her lurked behind our little quarrel, as well.
The things in question have, not surprisingly, to do with her sexual preference. It seems she keeps having erotic dreams about women, of which she wakes up feeling extremely guilty. She also has fantasies about women, and by having them she feels she is doing great injustice towards me.
It didn't take long for her to start crying uncontrollably in my arms, and using up a tissue after tissue, as I held her and tried to console her. I kept saying her I don't mind her dreams or fantasies, and they are not something she should feel guilty about.
It was quite a strenuous night. We talked the thing through in an adult manner, or at least I think we did. Among other things I did say to her that even though I love her very much I don't want to hurt her by keeping her mine, and causing her anxiety that way.
On the other hand we went over and over how I don't want to lose her, and how she doesn't want to lose me. Like I said, it was very strenuous, and I was extremely tired the next day and the one after that. These are huge things, after all.
I also told her that I am not going to lie to her. I am not crazy about the idea she likes women's bodies more than mine. Still, I am not threatened by her erotic desires. I am, however, understandably so I think, threatened by the idea that she develops crush on someone and leaves me.
We also went over and over the fact that we both seemed to think we're not enough for each other, something the other person would deserve. According to her I'm the perfect boyfriend she doesn't deserve, and I kept saying I can't believe my luck finding a girl like her, and that I constantly fear she will find someone better.
After much crying and talking I think I finally got through to her that she doesn't have to feel guilty about her fantasies. As long as she's happy with me that is. And it seems the talk indeed had positive effects. At least according to her she has felt better the past few days. And that is all that matters to me.
In fact, as it turned out, I am not only okay with the idea my Queen has fantasies about women. It seems I... well, get turned on by them. It seemed my Queen didn't quite know what to think about this, feeling both amused and puzzled. I on the other hand felt very ashamed by my reaction and had to hide my face in her bosom, saying I didn't have right to feel the way I did.
And before some of you start suggesting threesomes, I want to emphasize that despite our age difference we're both rather inexperienced in sex, and we both feel things like that would be simply too much in this situation.
Even though it wasn't our plan my Queen ended up spending the night at my place. We were both so exhausted. When we were cuddling in the bed, either that night or the next morning, I brought up something my Queen had said previously.
As you may remember, in my last post I told you how I had found out my Queen actually dislikes the idea of me cumming, and how I got turned on about it. There has been occasions after that during which thinking about the fact has made so horny, my balls so alive it has felt I could almost cum in my pants.
At one time we had been together she had taunted me verbally and said, with a joking tone, that who knows, she may not let me orgasm the whole year. I told her now how I had thought about the little conversation a lot afterwards, and how I had gotten turned on about the idea.
I asked her now had she actually meant it? My Queen chuckled and told that yes, she had said it because she knows how much I liked to hear it. Then she kept a little pause and continued: "Well, it's not my number one fantasy... But yes, I must admit I wouldn't mind if you didn't cum this year at all".
At that moment I nearly fainted with happiness. I hadn't felt that glorious in ages. I held her, kissed her, and said how much I loved her that moment. She seemed puzzled and amused, as usual.
Those of you who follow me on Facebook noticed that very quickly after that I made a cover picture out of what she had said. To her it hadn't been a life-changing moment, but for me, it had been. I wanted to cherish and remember it forever.
On a couple of occasions my Queen has said there has been times she has questioned the way her head works, and whether what she feels is wrong, or something too awful. But then she sees how much I like to hear it, and how happy it makes me.
She's a woman who doesn't like to have intercourse, I'm a man who can't have intercourse. I'm a man who gets off on the idea of being forbid to cum, she is a woman who doesn't like the idea of her boyfriend cumming. Who can say we are not perfect for each other?
Naturally I thanked my Queen by masturbating her to a nice orgasm. I have sometimes discussed my blog posts with my Queen, and on occasions she have said the way I describe her in my posts is a bit curious, merely by mentioning things like that at the end of the post. The reason for it of course is that I have merely tried to protect her privacy.
This time, however there really isn't that much to tell. It was all in all very... efficient. To get her really in the mood I had to use my verbal skills and describe her a scenario I hoped that would do the trick. I'm proud to say it worked, even though I apologized afterwards it was so clichéd. "Sometimes clichéd isn't so bad", she reassured me, as she lay next to me recovering from her orgasm.
I have been extremely happy the past few days, more happy than anyone should have a right to be, I think. And merely because my girlfriend has just said she wants to deny me orgasms this year. Because she wants to keep our calendar neat, and consisting only of chaste days. I'm weird, I know.
This is my first post in some while. There is, however, reasons behind the silence, mostly having to do with my Queen. And much of it isn't good. I will explain.
I'm aware that by providing only a limited amount of information about her, or choosing carefully what to tell and what not to, I may have created an impression of a mysterious sex goddess. This post will most likely change your idea of her somewhat.
The thing is, she is only a human being. A young woman, who is, after her own description, a huge bundle of problems. She has issues that has made our sexual life perhaps less wild and adventurous than it could have been, and she admits it all herself. However, she is also a woman I love very, very much.
At the time of the holiday season she informed me it seemed some of her old demons seems to be making a comeback with full force. She spent several weeks around Christmas at her parents, and that much time must have been enough for the old nightmares to emerge again.
She had mentioned this side of her to me previously, but only during the last month or so I have understood how powerful these demons of hers truly are.
I don't want to go into too much detail, but the demons in question have to do with anxiety, hypochondria, and at times almost constant certainty that she is going to die, even though there's no reason for her to think so. It doesn't sound much, but believe me, it is.
I have tried to be there for her as much as I've could, but one can do only so much. It hurts seeing the woman you love being in so much pain, in so much anguish, and knowing there is nothing one can do to help, or to make it all go away.
I have told her she needs to seek professional help, since this is something that clearly isn't normal or healthy anymore. In fact, according to her this all is something that has burdened her for the good part of her life. She is well aware of this, and she is currently doing just that.
I do hope things will start to get better at some point. However, after being in a long term relationship with a depressed person I'm painfully aware it's not an easy road. In any case, the past month has been hard and strength-consuming for both of us.
This has all resulted into diminished sex drive in her as well as in me. It's hard to feel sexy if the woman you love and adore doesn't feel it either, or is in as bad state as she is. Some way I even feel I don't have the right to feel horny, or think about sexual matters in this situation.
However, my Queen has bad days, and she has good days. At the moment we both hope the phase she has been the past couple of weeks was the rock bottom. At least during the last week or so there has been positive development and even some steamy stuff between us. But first, a bit of background.
You may remember I mentioned issues my Queen has when it comes to sexual matters. Some of these issues have to do with her reluctance of doing certain things with our bodies and the fact sex is so messy business to begin with. Her reluctance when it comes for example intercourse hasn't been a problem for me, since it has never appealed to me much either, especially considering my impotence.
What is unfortunate, however, is the fact that this reluctance also involves being in close contact with my tiny member. In fact it took literally months before she was ready to look at it, let alone hold it. She has said that, as preposterous as it sounds, the idea of having to ultimately be in contact with a penis simply didn't occur to her at the time we started dating.
I have made my best not to push her into anything, and over time being in close contact with my private parts has become less and less difficult for her, but it has been a long road. However, the act of me masturbating for her, a thing I have fantasized, and would just love to do, simply for the humiliation aspect, is something she has said she really doesn't want to see.
I know this all sounds like I'm dating a lesbian. It's true I have anguished many times whether I would appal her less if I had vagina instead of penis. In fact I would get one in a flash, if it were possible, or we lived in a world imagined by science fiction author John Varley, where getting a sex change is almost as easy as getting a haircut.
Reconciling all of this hasn't been easy, and there has been times it had taken a toll on me, as well, in terms of mental health. Seeing her acting the way she does has at times made me feel there is something wrong with me. There has to be, if touching it is so appalling?
However, we have had long conversations about this, and she insists she would be almost as much freaked about doing things with a vagina, and I have no option but to believe her. Penises, she says, merely are so much more alien to her. As alien as vaginas have been to me the most part of my life. We're a weird couple, I know.
I have been well aware from the very beginning my girlfriend is bisexual. I don't have any problems with it, since it is clear she loves me. I've also been more than flattered to realize it is my feminine qualities that made her to fall in love with me in the first place. In me, we've joked, she has both a boyfriend and a girlfriend, all in one.
After we started joking about it, I have been more than happy to play along with her desire to put makeup on me, and to make me to look more like a girl. I find these situations unbelievably erotic and humiliating, and I also love to see the excitement in her eyes as she does it, at keeps telling how much more beautiful I become because of it. She has said on number of occasions how envious she is of my full and luscious lips.
Therefore, it is unfortunate her sexual preference, or rather it manifesting the way it does seems to trouble her way much more than it does me. There has been number of times she has cried in my arms about the erotic dreams she keeps having. Just as her reluctance to sexual matters in general, we've gathered, this too is caused by her upbringing.
I have tried to console her and told her over and over again that it doesn't matter to me. If anything, it's bit of a turn-on. Or, at least a compliment that she still chose me, over all the other girls in the world.
In the light of all this it is somewhat strange how madly in love we are. At least she seems to be as crazy about me as I'm crazy about her.
I have explained the situation we're in order you to better understand what comes next. This all has a huge importance to me, even though my Queen didn't quite grasp it at first.
Some days ago I was spending time with my Queen's apartment. After some rough days her anxiety appeared to be more tolerable, and she seemed to be in the mood for some hanky panky. It was quite a while she had been so the last time. I also got the impression she preferred me taking the first step.
Things simply didn't feel to click, however. After almost an hour going round and round the subject I mentioned to her that she had never answered me when I asked her on a chat what would she think if I did masturbate regularly like a normal guy. My Queen seemed a bit uncomfortable, and finally admitted she wouldn't like the idea.
Now, you must understand that for a good part of our relationship I have been aware that being in chastity is my thing, not my Queen's, and that I have been very fortunate she is so open minded as she is. She's not dominant by nature, and she has told it to me herself, that keeping a guy in chastity was never a thing she fantasized about.
In other words, what she now said seemed almost too good to be true. I asked her about it again, heart starting to beat faster, did she really mean that. I took her face in my hands and asked she really didn't like the idea of me masturbating? Even when I'm at home by myself? That she really preferred me chaste, and denied?
She answered yes to all of these questions, and something indescribable happened. I was engulfed by some sort of sexual frenzy and was masturbating her furiously in matter of few moments. It was, after all, all I could do, since masturbating myself, something my body wanted me to do, was naturally out of question. It didn't take long for me to give my Queen an orgasm.
My Queen had to run off to a lecture soon after that, so there was no time for much post-orgasmic cuddling. I was, however, head high in the clouds for the rest of the day. In fact after I got back home simply thinking about our short conversation made me so horny I got to experience the sweet, tormenting waves of horniness during which you think you could cum in your pants simply by thinking about it.
Therefore it was quite a surprise for me, when we later discussed the events of the morning with her, and she told me she didn't much remember what we had talked about, only the result. Even after I refreshed her memory she seemed a bit hesitant, even reluctant to talk about it.
Finally she admitted the reason for it. It seems this is one of the things she has feel guilty about. Not wanting to see or touch my penis, or doing much about anything with it, not thinking about me masturbating, let alone cumming. It seems she feels this is something she shouldn't feel, that it's abnormal and wrong.
In fact, she finally admitted, when I had originally had gathered up my courage, and told her almost a year ago now, that I had been in self-imposed masturbation ban at that time way over a year, she was more than just okay with. She had been relieved.
She told me that prior to it she had thought I must masturbate on my own, just like any other guy, but she had tried not to think about it. After I revealed to her what I thought to be a cause of shock for her, she was more than just not freaking out had. She had actually been pleased.
I admit I have gotten perhaps overly enthusiastic about this new turn of events, way more than her at least. I have tried to make my Queen to understand how wonderful I think this all is. What she feels isn't anything she needs to feel least bit guilty about. I don't care if she doesn't like the idea of me masturbating. As far as I'm concerned she can hate it and my male slime as much as she likes.
What I've basically went on and on about is that she is free to embrace her distaste for it, or the appeal of the idea of me being pure, chaste and denied, as much as she likes. After all, isn't this a perfect quality for someone in charge of other persons orgasms? Of a person who desired and longs for being denied? What she feels could have been a problem if she dated a normal guy, granted. With us, however, it seems this is merely one thing that makes us perfect for each other.
What I have said seems finally to be sinking in. The other day she even mentioned she's a bit amazed I'm so good at turning things around, and making disadvantages advantages. But what else is there for me to do?
One could say that even though nothing hasn't changed in our relationship, everything has. It's as in lighting of an interior has changed. Everything is at the same exact place they were before, but everything looks different. At least for me it does.
This has been a log update, with very little actually happening in it, in terms of steamy action at least. If anyone managed to wade through it all the way to here, I salute you. At another level however, this may be the most significant post I have made so far.
What will all of this mean for our relationship? I really can't say. All I can say that at the moment it makes me feel more grateful and fortunate than ever before.
