16.4.2016

Writing this blog post is very difficult for me. As I'm writing this I'm in a state mind in which I would like to forget everything. But I will try. However, let it be said there is very little anything sexy in this long post. Rather, it's an attempt to tell you what has happened to me and my Queen the past few months.

It's been quite a while since I made my last blog post. However, as usual, there's a reason for it. In this case several ones, to be exact. In fact there would have been several instances during the past two months I would have had things to tell, but quite frankly for various reasons I haven't felt like writing about it.

I am not sure in what point everything started to go wrong between me and my Queen, or what exactly has it been that has gone wrong. All I know is that as I'm writing this all is not well.

However, since this is supposed to be a sexual blog let's at least start from there. It has been very quiet sexually between us during the past few months. One could say it's been more or less dead.

The biggest reason for this is the fact that because of my Queen's anxieties she chose to change the type of birth control she started using some time ago. The reason behind her decision were the anxiety attacks she had, in which she was convinced the worst possible side effects of the medication were manifesting themselves.

It has taken me, and us, long conversations in which I have tried to be there for her and tried to make her understand that every little sensation she feels in her body isn't a sign of something horrible, and that will mean she will die painfully.

Ultimately, however, she decided to switch her medication from the one her gynecologist primarily recommended to the next best option. The one she now uses has caused her menstrual cycle to go haywire for several months. I won't go into detail, but let's just said it has prevented me doing anything for her in ages. The things taking place have also made her feel very unsexual.

At this point I should also add that my Queen is currently seeking help with the issues of anxiety and depression and who knows what. It's a long road, though and do not believe in quick fixes. But it is good she has done something, since she has a lot to work on. She admits this herself.

It's hard to say how big a role sex dying out between us has had in all of this. Maybe it's not the only reason, but it has had its effects, of that I am sure of. To tell the truth I'm still going round and round in my head what came first and what affected what.

All I can say that during the last few moths it has started to disturb me that some parts of being in a relationship seem to cause problems to her. That as part of a couple you're sort of expected to take the other person into consideration in what you do.

Therefore I have been during the past few months been a bit more determined in expressing all that to her. After all, we have dated almost a year and a half now, and it has disturbed me to understand I still have to explain so many things to her.

This in turn has led to series of little crises during last few months. None of the things leading to them has been anything major. They have all been little things, but put all together the complete picture I've begun form is a one a person with definite commitment problems.

One could even say that when it comes to relationship roles they seem to be vice versa in ours. She seems to be the macho idiot who doesn't understand why being in a relationship should restrict him in any way when it comes hanging out with the guys, whereas I'm the over-thinking little wife who is too sensitive for her own good, and has trouble understanding why her boyfriend is so heartless.

I may be guilty of over-analyzing, but it seems to me that for several months now my Queen has been trying desperately to prove herself and me she has a life outside the one she has with me. That she is not chained to me. That she can still do all the things she used to do, or wants to do. That she is a free spirit, to do anything she desires. I have no objection to any of it, even though I don't feel or have never felt the same kind of desire she seems to do.

What I do find a bit annoying is the fact that it has become, whether she has realized it or not, something she can rub into my face over and over again. That I don't have as active life as she has, or that I have focused my social life more than she has. I'm content having the friends I have, doing the things I do. I don't feel the need to prove anything to anyone. 

All the while this has been going on I have had a worse phase as well, a one to which the things I described earlier haven't had a positive effect. I have never been diagnosed with actual depression, but my moods do tend to be quite a roller coaster. Periods of productivity followed with moods of worthlessness and self-loathing.

During the last few months it has been mostly latter. I have begun to feel inadequate and as an outsider in my normal social circles. I know most of this is probably happening only inside my own head, but it's as hard for me to accept that as it is for a depressed person to stop being depressed.

Having problems with my Queen at the same time hasn't helped, since many of the little crises we've had have had something to do with social situations as well. Also, it's easy feeling a loser when the opposite of it is being rubbed into your face. Most likely the issues of us both have affected each other and made them worse.

As an end result of all of this we have went from one little crisis to another, a thing neither of doesn't like, but a one we have been unable to avoid either.

Then there's the sexual orientation part. Some months ago my Queen started admitting to me she has sexual feelings for women as well. This was, I have to say, no big news to me and I had sort of put it together over time.

For my Queen, however, this seems to be something she has fought with a long time now. She comes from a religious family and she says all her life she has played the part of a "nice heterosexual daughter" even though inside she's something very different.

What came to as a sort of a surprise for me was how big an issue this has been to her. It is not one or two times when I've held her, as she has cried uncontrollably and telling how awful she is feeling the way she does. That feeling the way she feels she does a great injustice towards me.

These feelings, it seems, have come the stronger the more she has come in terms with this side of herself. I've told her over and over again they are not anything she needs to be ashamed of, since it's nothing she can control.

I have tried to be super-cool about this all. Because... well, I am.

I have said to her time and time again I'm perfectly cool if she has sexual feelings towards girls. Because, hey, what's not to like in girls? We have watched "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" together and admired Rachel Bloom's ample cleavage. We have joked about the "Peggy Carter" background image she has on her phone. We exchange glances smiling when a sexy girl passes us on the street.

I love having a partly lesbian girlfriend. I'm totally okay with it. Like I've said previously, I'm even flattered. To realize I'm enough for her, that I'm feminine enough for her to fell in love with me in the first place.  

I'm totally okay with all of it as long I feel I'm enough for my girlfriend. As long as I don't get the impression she is planning to hop into bed with a nice geek girl living next door to her. I'm a human being after all, not a saint or a superman with ego of steel.

I have told her I am not threatened by the fact she finds women sexually attractive. However, I have admitted to her that yes, I am scared as hell of the idea that she will involuntarily fall in love with a girl. Because that is something one can't control, unlike having sex with someone.

I know I sound like a horrible person, but how was I supposed to react? As I heard over a course of several months about her fantasies, over and over again. As my girlfriend is having a crisis after crisis, as she is sobbing in my arms and telling me once again about her erotic dream in which she is having sex with a woman.

What was I supposed to do? I can't change my sex to make the woman I love and who loves me happy. I would, if I could. And I have told her that many times.

Well, there is one thing have been able to do. And that is trying to be not only her boyfriend but girlfriend as well. 

The thing is, while all of this has been going on we have taken our first steps into experimenting with a bit of cross-dressing. For a long time she has hinted at it, how she would love to put lipstick to my luscious lips, that are so much fuller than hers she is actually envious of them.

A month or so ago we a session during which I got to be dress-up doll my girlfriend. I was into it all the way, since I wanted to show her I wasn't against exploring my feminine side. That in me she could have both boyfriend and a girlfriend. Ultimately it got all quite steamy and by the end I was so comfortable in her dress I didn't want to take it off.

I even got so into it I started to look for a suitable and cheap wig on-line, and finally bought one with the assistance of my Queen. The women's department on flea markets started to interest me, and I suggested to my Queen we could go shopping together in the summer. 

All this however was before the most recent series of events. Events during which my Queen has had to ask herself why she feels hard to act as a part of a couple with me, after the subject had come up a couple of times.

Last Sunday I spent a night at her place. It had been quite a while I had done so and I admit I had maybe a too romantic and foolish ideas about the visit. In any case the line of discussion soon went into the problems we've had, and her difficulty in acting like a girlfriend in social situations.

Finally my Queen admitted that she believes the reason for acting towards me the way she has lately is that deep inside she feels resentment towards the idea of being part of "some kind of heterosexual relationship".

A little while later she was crying again and telling me I'm this perfect boyfriend, so sweet and caring and sensitive and thinking everything in such an adult manner, that she feels she doesn't deserve me because she is so awful. What is a guy to do? Aside from holding her that is.

We continued the conversation couple of days later, this time on-line. The thing she had said the other night had understandably been going around in my head the past few days. If she felt resentment being in a heterosexual relationship, what in her opinion had we done, or been in, for the past year and a half?  Hadn't she realized she was in a relationship, until now?

"We have tried so hard to make compromises", I told her a little while later after she had given me her usual apologies. "To find common ground, on which both of us could be happy. I have done my best to meet you in the half way, but the closer the half way I get, the more you keep retreating to your side."

She didn't deny it.

When I brought up the question how much of what she feels is caused by fear of committing, how much by her dislike of an idea being in a relationship with a man, she dropped the actual bomb:

"Well, I guess I fear committing, because I feel at the same time sexual desire towards a female body, and would like to get to experience it, but I can't."

I didn't know what to say to her at that point. It was such a slap to my face.

After all the I had done. After all that being the ideal boyfriend, someone caring, affectionate and tender, someone who had listened to her, taken care of her and consoled her when she was crying her eyes out.

After all that she didn't like to be reminded or admit to her she was in relationship with me, in something that outside looked like a normal heterosexual relationship. 

Because in her head it meant she couldn't get nasty with women if she wanted.

"Well, that's it then", I said finally. "You have built yourself a fool proof chain of logic, which gives you the chance to get rid of me, if you want."

She didn't deny this either. The coldness of her comments at this part still chills me.

After I had regained my senses at least partially I reminded her that I had said numerous times that if she truly wants to arrange a threesome I am not standing in the way. She said that she knows it, but that she has no such plans, and most likely couldn't do it because of her low self-esteem.

At that point I was lost for words. What was I supposed to say? I'm not planning to get nasty with any girl, but I dislike the idea of being in a relationship with you, just in case. Despite the fact you're so sweet and and all.

I'm not saying I don't understand her. I felt more or less the same way when I was in my first relationship. My sexual life had been nonexistent before it, but after I suddenly become a part of a very steady couple I felt trapped. The possibility of finding something or someone that suited my preferences even better was taken away from me.

In some weird way I even understand my incredibly jealous ex much better. Talk about weird. Still, I hope sincerely I haven't been as awful towards my Queen as my ex was towards me.

I haven't been able to know what to think for the past couple of days. I don't deny feeling hurt. Or perhaps not hurt. I feel inadequate, powerless and scared beyond belief. Yesterday I wasn't at all sure whether I had a girlfriend anymore.

I wasn't sure whether the things I had bought on-line would stay in their packages for the next two years. The thing is, the same exact thing happened three years ago, as my previous girlfriend broke up with me before we got a chance of unpacking a similar item.

As I now thought the possibility of it all happening again I felt my heart being ripped from my heart and tears fill me eyes, even as I write this.

When I finally texted her and asked her just that she assured me I still had one. At that moment I would have wanted to ask whether she understood that there are couples who would have considered our prior conversation a break-up?

Despite what she said I couldn't help but feeling very uneasy last night. Originally the idea was for me to see her off to a bus, since she will be traveling this weekend, and meeting her friends and  family. In the end she didn't ask me to come. Maybe it was for the better. I didn't know what I would have said to her.   

Maybe I shouldn't have gone with her idea of dressing me up as a girl, I find myself contemplating now. Who knows, perhaps that was the last straw. Maybe when she frolicked in the bed with me and feeling my fake tits she had realized I wasn't enough for her?

I admit my thinking isn't the most coherent at the moment and I feel going back and forth in the spectrum of emotions.

There are times I ask myself would it really be that impossible for a straight girl to fall in love with me? All the women who have done so have been at least bi, or straight-curious lesbians. What's wrong with me? It would be, you know, a nice change of pace to catch the attention of a straight girl. Just one. Just once. But it seems that would be a too much to ask.

In my opinion I am not asking much. I have never asked much. When I was younger women and girls were something quite unreachable for me. Even after I begun my sex life at 33 years of age and finally started developing something resembling a self-confidence I haven't asked that much.

All I have ever wanted was someone who I could share my life, my fantasies and my sexuality with. Someone I would mean something to, and something I could do nice things to. That I could have someone, that I wouldn't have to feel so alone, and such a freak and a failure.

My Queen was all that to me. For the first time in my life I felt being on the same level with a woman. Without having to put a show on, or to pretend being something I am not, someone with more confidence and self-esteem. Someone with whom I could be silly and clumsy together. I have never felt so comfortable with anyone.

Now I fear I will lose it all.

I have, I believe, tried to everything my power to make my Queen happy. I have cared for her, consoled her and been there for her through her hard phases. I have taken her feelings into consideration, helped her and been kind to her. I have so hard to be the ideal, most romantic boyfriend a girl can think of. 

I have tried my very best to do everything she has wished me to do or hinted at in bed. I have never said no to something she has suggested or hinted at. I have tried to be the ideal dom for her, even though that role isn't natural for me. The ideal lover, even. For me her needs have always come first. Our sex life has been only about her pleasure, not mine.

I have tried my very best not to push her into anything, or make her to do anything she feels uncomfortable with. My needs are, after all, not big ones and not the most usual kind. Sometimes I wonder, and have even asked it from her couple of times, whether she understands it how much I have given up for her. How much there is a real man would expect in a relationship. She assured me she does. 

I know this sounds like I'm drawing a picture of myself as some sort of a saint. I'm not. I'm far from it, believe me. I have my faults and sometimes I amaze how my Queen stands me the way she does. But I try. That's all I can do. 

My Queen is not what one could call centerfold material. However, to me she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I love her smile, her laugh, her smell, her every curve, every inch of her body. In fact I feel I have grown as person through her and I am much less superficial than I used to be.

Also, I do know she is not the only fish in the sea, as they say. If really try to see things objectively, I know I would have a lot to offer to any woman sexually, despite my lack of hard cock. I'm even distantly aware I'm not that bad to look at, apparently. That I could find someone if the worst happened. If I actually tried.

But I don't want to.

Because I really love that girl.

My Queen.