1.6.2020

The summer is here, finally. After the long, cold corona spring it's almost hard to believe it. For me lockdown and the quarantine period has meant being a indoors a lot, which in turn has meant I start my days and often also end them by masturbating. Or rather, edging.

Naturally, we're not on 100% lockdown anymore. During the past couple of weeks or so, especially if it has been a beautiful and sunny day, I have even ventured do to downtown a couple of times. This has been quite a big step for me, after I have avoided all social contacts and public places for over two months.

These short trips to outside have, however, been almost traumatizing for me. The thing is, during the long, dark and cold winter I always forget what an ordeal summer can be for a leg fetishist like me. It's one thing to edge to something at home, a whole another is to see the same on a street and try to keep your cool. I guess being outside as little as possible is a blessing for me.   

Beginning my days by masturbating is a very natural thing to, because like most people I am the horniest at mornings. As you all know, I am impotent and I have erections only when I'm asleep, just before I start to wake up. However, as soon as I get up, the erection is gone under less than a minute.

That moment though, as I'm slowly waking up and realizing I have an raging erection, is extremely enjoyable and puts my libido immediately in overdrive. Quite often whatever dream I happen to have at that point, becomes erotic, even though nothing sexual doesn't take place in it. It's hard to explain.

I'm not always hard at mornings, but if I sleep for example bottomless, the chances for it happening increase by tenfold. Therefore I try to sleep naked as often as possible, which isn't very often if you live in a country like Finland. Basically only time you can do this without catching a cold, is during our extremely short summer.

When the summer does arrive, like right now, I try spend as much of it naked as possible, the nights as well as the days. Not only does it ensure waking up turned on, but it also makes masturbating and touching oneself all through the day wonderfully easy. Even when I'm watching television for example, I have a habit of playing with my testicles and limp penis at the same time.

Sometimes I may put on a short skimpy skirt, or a nice top, if I want to feel pretty, but if it's warm enough, even those pieces of clothing make me feel suffocated. Bear in mind, that is "warm enough" in the Finnish scale. Apparently what we call a summer is spring in some parts of USA. If I lived somewhere that warm, I guess I'd be naked 365 days of the year.

Being able to walk around in my apartment totally naked the whole day long is a wonderful feeling. Many times when I pass a full body mirror, which I have many in my apartment, I stop, and watch my body from all sides. Long legs, shapely backside, ridiculously small penis and testicles, round belly, hairless chest, feminine arms, full luscious lips and the long hair, one I have grown out almost three years soon.

This all sounds sexy, but truth to tell, I have always had problems with my mirror image, especially when it comes to my face. For years I tried not to look into a mirror unless it was absolutely necessary, because I felt I didn't know the person who looked back at me. I felt the "real me" was behind that strange face. This has gotten easier over the years, and nowadays I can even admit being cute.

However, my naked body is another matter entirely. One could say I have always made a distinction between my "sexual me" and my "real life me". The sexual me is the slut on-line, which is the place where 99% of my sex life has taken place. The real life me on the other hand is the respectable part of myself, the persona I let the world around me see.

Therefore doing anything sexual in front of a mirror, masturbating or just caressing one's naked body, or just being there, has always been very difficult, almost painful to me. It means two worlds colliding, like someone had photoshopped my head to a naked body, one doing unspeakable things to itself. If I had a shrink, he would have a lot to say about this.

The act of subjecting myself to my own naked mirror image is in fact a form of self torture. Every time I pass a mirror or go stand before one I feel extremely uneasy, and I have a need to turn away. I don't let myself to do so though, and force myself to watch. If I feel extremely uneasy, I may even masturbate a bit, just to see the look on my own face.

The most extreme way of humiliating myself is naturally to have an actual ejaculation in front of the mirror. I have described this in one of my earlier blog posts, so I won't go into it much further now. Let's just say the act of forcing oneself to have a ruined orgasm while you're standing naked in front of a mirror, examining the expressions on your own face as you feel the orgasm sweep over you, and hearing the cum dribbling to the floor from your flaccid clit, is an extremely humiliating experience. 

For this exact reason, because seeing myself doing sexual things is as humiliating as it is, the masturbating technique involving my wanking mirrors, is all about watching my chest, hand and the groin area as I masturbate, never ever the face. Or at least, to do that I have to be in an extremely perverted state of mind, or have someone on-line to order me to tilt the mirrors in such an angle I have to look my own face as I masturbate on my computer. 

Seeing my own naked body all through the day from full body mirrors is also a painful reminder to me that no matter how I feel inside, my body is that of a male. My chest or hips aren't that of a woman, nor will they ever be. Neither is my belly or any other part of my body. And when I pull my clit, I see a male masturbating himself in front of a mirror and looking incredibly stupid.   

Sometimes, if I don't have anywhere to be, I don't bother putting anything on for days, therefore exposing myself to my own mirror image for the better part of the week. Being naked for that long also makes me feel wonderfully pathetic. No normal person spends three days in a row totally naked in one's apartment. If the doorbell rings I can always slip into my coral bathrobe.

One piece of clothing I often make an exception with are my long, striped knee high socks. I have lots of them, in various colours, and it's been several years I have used any other kind. Passing the mirror with nothing except them on is even more mixed experience than doing it completely naked. Even though I look male, it is clear I am not a man either. If I'm something, I'm a slutty sissy.

It is not an exaggeration to say I have fetish to my own sexuality, if that sort of thing is possible. And since the best way to have an intimate connection with your own sexuality is through masturbation, I try to do it as much as humanely possible. What usually makes me so eager to get out of the bed each morning is the chance to start edging.

The first thing I do every morning is to get my computer open, and in a matter of less than few minutes, I am already sitting in front of it, still half asleep and wiping my eyes, and pulling my limp clit furiously, and trying to regain some of the horniness I just experienced.

Sometimes I don't even do my morning pee before I start to masturbate, especially if the need to pee had been a bad one, since a full bladder makes me extremely horny. Again, I have explained my fetish to that practice in one of my earlier blog posts.

There's just something magical in those early morning moments, even without bladder torture involved. It's so wonderful to just sit there half asleep and relaxed, completely naked, legs spread, and enjoying the feeling of having my limp clit between my thumb and the forefinger and pulling it eagerly. It all feel so good and so right.

I know it sounds odd, but at those times I also feel wonderfully feminine. To be precise, not only feminine, but inexplicably girly. Perhaps it's being still half asleep, perhaps it's the fact I'm spreading my legs like a slut, perhaps it's because I don't have a hard cock inside my fist but a small, limp, soft clit between my two fingers. It's difficult to say.

Many times this feeling also makes me want to caress my body as I edge. I usually start from my knees, then slide my palm over my hairless thighs and over my equally hairless belly and chest. I often stop there for a while, to play with my nipples, rolling them between my fingers, as well as pinching and pulling them hard.

I also like to let out small squeals, moans and sighs as I do this. Not grunts like men, but deep, relaxed sighs. Finally I push my fingers deep into my hair, marveling how long and thick it has already become, before lifting some of on the top of my head, while at the same time pulling my clit continually. Often this is all I need to make or keep myself turned on.

Even though I used the words "early morning", I don't get up from the bed until at ten the earliest. This is partly because a good morning erection makes me want to stay in bed and enjoy it as long as possible. My morning wank usually takes about four hours. I don't cum, of course, but little by little the magic fades away. Around two I usually get up and have my breakfast, with a great master plan to get something worthwhile done after it.

Usually this great master plan fails in a momentous way, thanks to everything I have told you earlier. Due to the lockdown I have no place to go, and absent-minded playing with myself leads easily to edging session after another, separated only by short naps when I'm too exhausted to edge anymore, or need to cool down, in order to be able to continue in a little while.

Fortunately, my limp clit seems to be able to withstand insane amounts of edging without any ill effects. We're taking about ten to fifteen hours a day, easily. In fact, whenever I manage to edge my clit long and hard enough to make it feel sore afterwards, it merely adds to the feeling. That is how a wanker's penis should feel, after all.