It seems my cumming regime just got a new turn. It is an unexpected and not entirely unpleasant one, but at at the same time something that will be quite a challenge to me.
As most of you know I have kept a diary of my orgasms or lack of them, dating all the way to 2012. You all also know I'm heavily into chastity and have had incredibly long chastity periods in the past.
I have been involved the past few months in a project that's taken a lot of my time and energy. Because of it I have had to "give in" to the needs of my body, and to start cumming once in 5 to 6 days, to get my mind off sex and to be able to concentrate.
The project is now over, and a couple of days I asked a Domme I know what I should do now. Should I start denying myself properly again, or give in to my body whenever it so wishes?
The problem is that since I'm single there isn't anyone controlling my orgasms. I have therefore felt extremely bad for having the orgasms I've had, since I feel I shouldn't be the one who decides whether I cum or not. After being in cum bans of varying length since 2013, the act of cumming without permission just feels... wrong.
My friend thought the question over and a minute said that since I have a habit of brooding and periods of melancholy she prescribed an orgasm a day for me...
...for the next eight weeks.
"We will see how you feel after that", she added.
I am well aware she could have given me an equally long chastity period as well, which I would have accepted gladly. But that's the beauty of giving over the control of your sexual functions to someone else.
The picture below is a chart of all my orgasms I've had this year. The red dots indicate ban days, the green ones cum days, the black dots ruined orgasms and the magenta ones the beginning of my mandatory cumming routine.
As you can see from the chart I really haven't cummed that much this year, even though it feels to me I have done so an awfully lot. In fact I have only begun to realize what sort a commitment following my Domme friend's prescription actually is.
After all, it's been almost four years since I've last had the possibility to cum that often, and even before I started chastity play there was days I just didn't feel like masturbating. Never in my life I've had an obligation to masturbate daily.
At least I haven't cummed nearly as often I am now supposed to. No matter whether I have time or energy for it, no matter if a want to cum. No matter where I am. A cum a day, period. By the time we get to the end of the eight week period it will be fall already.
Like I said, this will be a challenge for me, and I sincerely hope I can keep up with the new routine. At the same time I am extremely happy, not because I get to cum but because it is not me who is control of my orgasms. Since that is the way it's supposed to be, after all.
Already there has been more than one occasions when I wouldn't have even liked to masturbate, but done so anyway, because I have to. To feel your own hand pulling on your limp clit, and knowing it has nothing to do with whether I want it or not, is extremely arousing. It also makes one to feel wonderfully used.
I have a creative dilemma.
I have more or less surrendered to the needs of my body and cum more or less regularly now, about once in five days. That's much less than in 2012, when I begun the chastity play and had used to cumming daily, but much, much more than what's been the norm during last six years.
In fact I have started cumming so often it's been quite a while I have even bothered to set my chastity counter on my blogs. And that is totally unacceptable. Everyone visiting any of my blogs deserves to know exactly how long has it been since my last ejaculation, to the minute, right?
I wish I didn't have to cum this often. The main reason I do it is to get my mind off sex, and to be able to concentrate on other things, above all the project I'm in charge of. Usually I try to postpone it as long as possible, which is easy for a certain amount of days due to the fact I am so busy.
However, usually after five or so days I get too distracted and stressed out and my body takes control. I have to take my limp little clit into my hand and start pulling on it. Usually at that point I am filled with feelings of shame as well as being incredibly turned on, from the mere fact what I am doing.
Usually it doesn't take me very long to spill my sissy seed. At the moment of ejaculation, or immediately after it, as I pant face flushed, I usually curse my body, hating what it forces me to do. My seed is usually very watery and there's no more than a few drops of it. At that moment all that excitement and huffing and puffing seems so pointless.
But what about my creative dilemma then?
Well, as you know, my favourite way of enjoying porn is to write it myself, and there is a longish story I have tried to finish for several months now. The problem is by the time I start masturbating I am usually so horny I manage to write only few lines before I spill my seed.
On the other had if I wrote it without being horny it would show in the end result. For the text to... well, feel right, to be steamy enough I need to be horny, and to masturbate as I write it. The text needs to be born out of my horniness, for it to be able to reflect my innermost, most deepest, darkest and most perverted fantasies. Fantasies that are pure me, the part I want to expose to the world.
I do know the answer to my dilemma would be to edge more, but not to cum. It wouldn't take more than a promise to myself to achieve it. I could even start a longer chastity period again. The idea fills me with such excitement.
I miss the feeling one gets after being chaste so long one forgets what cumming even feels like, but feels sexual nevertheless. I miss the time when I was able to edge 12 or 24 hours in a row without cumming, and still knowing I wouldn't cum, since it would spoil everything.
However, at the moment I am too stressed out and busy for it, too much a slave to my libido and my sissy testicles. Truth to tell, it's been extremely hard even to write this post, and not to start masturbating. Even though it's been less than 24 hours since the last spill.
Perhaps I should cum as much as my body needs to, until the project is finished, which will take palce in less than a week's time, knowing I will award myself with a long and purifying chastity period as soon as it's over?
I think I should share something with you that may or may not interest you. It's not strictly speaking anything erotic, nor does it have much to do my sexuality, as such. But it is nice public exposure, in more ways than one. And you all know how much I like exposing myself and what goes inside my perverted little mind to you.
The thing is, lately I have seen quite a lot dreams in which I am nude in public. Nudity isn't as big a taboo over here where I live, than in say USA or rest of the Europe, but personally I have never been that comfortable with it. That applies to my nudity dreams as well, and I usually find them humiliating. Not in a good way that is.
But lately there has been a lot of them. However, it doesn't take a Sigmund Frood to figure what they're about. They're about the project I'm involved in. It's a pretty high profile thing, and I am constantly worried how it is seen from outside, how the scene sees it, and me, since I'm the one in charge.
So yes, since I feel I'm center of the attention, which is not usual for me, "naked" in the eyes of the others, that gets reflected in my dreams. What's weird though I haven't been nearly as ashamed in my dreams as I should be.
The dreams aren't sexual, not the tiniest bit. Somehow I just end up walking in public places nude in the dreams, or I get nude in public. But the weird thing is I don't seem to be ashamed of it. Not in the least bit.
"Yes, I'm here stark naked, wow. All these people can see me nude. Okay, so what?" Or: "Yes, I am changing clothes in front of a lot of strange young women. You can see my penis, so what? Yes, I know it's tiny. You haven't seen one as tiny before?"
I can only suspect it means that in terms of the project I'm in charge of I have managed to build some degree of... well, self-esteem, or guts. I know everyone is looking at me, but I'm dealing with it.
