16.3.2015

Okay. It's 500 days now, finally. I think I'm supposed to say something.

First of all, I have a strange feeling looking at the figure. For so long it was my goal and after reaching it I feel it should mean more to me.

I suppose I would feel more victorious if there hadn't been the unfortunate slip-up a mere days before. I am glad and proud to say it wasn't me who gave in, but my body.

Happily I didn't get any sort of enjoyment out of it, quite the opposite. And in return I got back my libido, and hornyness roughly ten times compared to the one I had prior to my accident.

In fact I'm continually so horny nowadays, yesterday I though I could have ejaculated into my pants, just by thinking about it. I even tried it, to have a frustrating ruined orgasm, to celebrate my 500 days, but at the last moment my body got a stage fright, or something. The experience was wonderfully frustrating thought.

So, things could be worse I suppose.

At the moment there are things happening my life which may make it unpractical or impossible to continue my ban indefinitely. But it's been quite a ride, to get this far. To be allowed to enjoy the frustration as long as I have.

Despite the accident I had, the counter keeps ticking until further notice. November the first, 2013, still marks the date I had satisfying full orgasm the last time.

15.3.2015

I just as well may make this a public one. I have finally slipped. After 497 days of chastity, and countless hours of edging my limp dick something quite awful has happened.

As you may remember, two days ago I explained how I had experienced a couple of curious orgasmic spasms, as I was edging, but no ejaculation. That should have been a warning sign, but since I've been able to edge my limp dick quite safely for almost a year now, I thought it was merely an isolated incident.

However, two days ago, quite fittingly on Friday the 13th, something I thought was impossible finally happened. Prior to this I had been edging myself for hours, like I usually do and was trying different methods, as well as places to do it.

I had thought it would be a nice change of pace to masturbate a little while in front of a full length mirror in my apartment, simply for the humiliation aspect. I did so, and while I was already walking away, well... it started happening. A wave of orgasmic sensations washed over me, with me being unable to do anything about it, and my limp dick spurted sperm out of it as I walked and just looked at it with horror.

I think it's needless to say I was devastated. I couldn't understand how my body could have betray me like this, after all this time. After exactly 71 weeks, I might add. I was mad at my body, and to myself, for not stopping sooner. For so long being the one who does not cum had defined me, and suddenly my life seemed to lost meaning.

Counting days of my chastity, one of the few pleasures in my life, seemed to lost it meaning as well. No longer I was able to say that even though I had some sort of ecstatic experienced I hadn't actually cummed. What use was there anymore to count the days?

After thinking the matter over thoroughly, and having discussed it with several people I have reached a conclusion.

What I experienced is something that is generally called a "ruined orgasm", an accidental discharge of semen. It wasn't like I had decided to cum, and enjoy it, in a way masturbating male enjoys a full, satisfying orgasm. It gave me no pleasure whatsoever, rather the opposite. I felt only shock, horror, shame and disappointment.

Therefore I have decided to mark it and the strange ecstatic experience two days prior black in my cum diary, as accidental ruined orgasms and continue with my current counter. November the first, 2013 remains the last time one could say I have had a full satisfying orgasm last time.

Neither do I have any desire to start cumming again like a normal man. If anything, the unsatisfying experience has made my resolution even stronger.

It may also interest some of you following my project, that those little spurts of ejaculate seem to have an effect on my behavior. After the incident I have been very irritable and tense, snapped at people and lost my temper way too easily.

At first I thought it was because I was so mad at myself, but being tense hasn't passed, and I realized it must have a link to my accident. In fact the effect has been exactly the same every time I have started my cum bans on previous occasions, after couple of days of cumlessness. On those occasions the ban has been preceded with a period of being able to cum daily, but the effect is the same.

In fact I realized very soon that me being this irritable is directly linked with me being more horny than I have been in more time than I can possibly remember. In fact it is rather hard to understand how I passed the early days of my cum ban, if it felt like this. The constant throbbing sensation deep inside my testicles and the desire to let them empty themselves is very intense and quite overwhelming. The more so the more I think about the matter.

In a way my testicles seem to be so much alive than they were mere days ago. The sight of a beautiful woman has now totally different effect on me. I feel more much vulnerable, much weaker, much more controlled by my libido. The fight not to start masturbating is a constant one.

So, in a way my very unfortunate accident may have actually been a blessing in disguise. At least what I currently endure is more uncomfortable, stressful and agonizing than anything I have experienced in a long, long time.

The day count is 499. The journey countinues.

12.3.2015

Okay, here's a little story, or rather a piece of some rather disturbing information, that will interest only the ones who have followed my chastity project.

During the last few weeks I have noticed, that my chastity has finally started to have an effect on my libido. The stress and the fact I've been very busy may have also affected me, as well as other factors, but basically I've felt no desire to edge, in order to maintain my sexual frustration. It's as if my libido is finally dying out.

Therefore I have had to force myself to edge, since I don't want my chastity to be too easy for me. Those who I've discussed about the matter know I can edge my limp dick quite safely for hours, without a danger of an ejaculation. Or so I thought.

A few days ago something disturbing happened. I had masturbated my limp little dick at that point for hours, to get into the frenzy state I love. Just enough to feel that sensation in my feet, when my body prepares to ejaculate. To get myself as horny as possible, so close to the orgasm I can taste it.

Then, as I was just sitting there, in front of my computer, not even touching my limp dick, I suddenly felt... this a wave or ecstasy washing over me. I felt... something trying to force itself out of my penis, and I was completely powerless to stop it. I twitched a few times, not moving a muscle.

Needless to say I was simply horrified. I don't want to fool myself. It was orgasm, sort of, or a part of one. It was something I haven't felt for sixteen months. Something I had forgotten all about now.

And I assure you, It was awful. It was like a horrible nightmare. For so long being without an orgasm had defined me. I am the one who keeps oneself in chastity. The one who denies himself any sort of sexual release, and gets off on the idea. It is what I do.

Someone has asked me whether it a ruined orgasm? In a way it was, but nothing came out. There was just the surge in my limp dick, and I felt two or orgasmic spasms. Afterwards my little dick started pulsating in a weird, warm way. It did that for a few minutes, and then ended.

Afterwards I felt utterly, utterly filthy. It was as if something disgusting had made me dirty, tainted me, made my chastity without meaning. I still want to continue my cum ban. I didn't ejaculate. I don't want my torment to stop.

And above all, I didn't grab my limp dick, and spoiled it all. I think there was once a time when it would have been my immediate response. But now it was quite the opposite. I just wanted the awful sensation to go away, wanted to stay pure. In a way, I think, the experience has made me not wanting to cum ever again.

15.1.2015

Another dream of cumming, and the second one in a matter of mere few days. This is getting interesting.

This time, however, I was witnessed masturbating my small and limp dick, in a train car or a bus, by Samantha Fox and Sabrina Salerno, two biggest sex symbols from my teenage years.

I even remembered Sam making a rather cruel remark afterwards, when the realization what I had done struck me afterwards in the dream. "So, how many days had it been, again...?", she said, and smiled wickedly.

This was, in fact, one of the very rare occasions I have had celebrities appearing my dreams. So, it's not all bad. Still, I'm relieved it was only a horrible nightmare! 

12.1.2015

I dreamt of cumming again. I hate having nightmares like that.

29.12.2014

On new year's eve I am celebrating my first full calendar year I have been free from cumming. A whole year, from January 1st till December 31st, keeping myself from getting relief in the form of sexual pleasure. On new year's eve it will have been 425 days. Fourteen months. Over sixty weeks. Of being denied, frustrated and horny. 

Never in my life I have been without an orgasm this long, after I first ejaculated, and started to masturbate regularily, almost three decades ago. This has been sexually the most gratifying, intense and wonderful year of my life. I could have never belived what this would be like, and what I would achieve, when I let myself cum the last time, one year and two months ago. That I could learn to like this so much. 

 I have many people to thank, for getting this far. Not nearly all will be able to read these words, but fortunately many of you can. Sincerest thanks, for making this the most amazing year of my life.

10.12.2014

I have been thinking. Some days ago I celebrated the 400 days I have been on my self-imposed cum ban. Up until that all my thoughts were on reaching the next full hundred. What next?

One logical step would be the end of this year, which would make 2014 completely cum free. At that point the day count would be around 420 and something.

After that it will be only 30 days to 450 days, which in turn is half way till 500 days. At the moment it's still 325 left to full two years, which naturally seems daunting. But maybe with smaller steps it can be reached?

This with the presumption some outside force or influence doesn't force me to stop my ban. Which, naturally, is a unsettling prospect.