13.4.2015

First full month, or four weeks, during which my cum ban has been supervised by my Queen. We are going to celebrate it today by spending a bit of quality time together. Apparently she is letting me to do her toe nails. She has also been rather enthusiastic to see the pair of women's boots I own. I'm feeling so giddy!

27.3.2015

There is something I need to tell you all. Something that may surprise you quite a lot. Something even myself have trouble coming terms with. Some of you know about it already, some of you have been totally unaware of it. I apologize for keeping this a secret, but I have had to twist my head around it myself before I do it, as well.

I… have a girlfriend.

Yes, I know. It seems ridiculous. A male with my history, and total lack of means of keeping a woman happy, and sexually satisfied? I have trouble understanding it either. Truth to tell I had already lost the hope of ever finding a woman in my life ever again, someone I could share my life, and myself with.

But yet, it happened. This stunning, beautiful, funny and smart young woman walks into my life and seems for some reason to be interested in me. And for the first time in my life I have the guts doing something about it. Despite knowing I couldn’t ever be enough for her.

It has been happening gradually over the last few months. I have told her, bit by bit, all about me, and my fetishes, and she has turned out to be very open-minded about everything, despite having almost as limited history of actually practicing sex, than I have.

A little over week ago I finally took the last step and told her about my cum ban. On the 500th day of my chastity, as it happened. It was one of the toughest things I have ever done in my life. My heart raced and I was in the verge of having a panic attack.

And you know what? She was totally cool about it. She seemed even to be a little amused, saying she didn’t understand how come telling me this was such a big deal?

At that moment it felt a ton weigh had been lifted from my chest. Prior to that I had felt as if I had cheated on her, by not telling about my cum ban. And I was mortified, thinking how she might react, and how it would affect our relationship.

I’ve been delirious the past week and a half. I’ve told her over and over again I have the coolest girlfriend in the universe, and she has continued to be amused, even puzzled, watching me react this way. If I like something, and don’t harm anyone else, where’s the harm?

I loved her even before, but after our discussion my love for her became tenfold. At the moment she’s the sexiest woman in the whole world for me. And as incredible as it is, she seems to be crazy about me, as much as I’m crazy about her. Despite all my shortcomings.

I know you’re all thinking the same things I’ve had. What about his cum ban? Is it all over now? Will they start fucking now? I thought the sorry excuse of a man wasn’t able to get it up? Is she dominant? Is she his girlfriend now, or a Mistress?

These are all valid questions, and something I have had gone over and over in my head, questions we have talked about as well. There’s a million and one things to solved.

Like I said earlier, she’s very open-minded and loves me very much, which itself carries you a long way. Neither has she demanded I end my cum ban instantly, and start cumming, of fucking her like a normal man.

Quite the contrary, she seems to be interested becoming the one supervising my project from now on, a responsibility I have been offering to her quite eagerly. I don’t mind if she orders me to cum tomorrow, because I would do it under her control. My orgasms belong to her now.

I have finally made it, is seems. There’s finally something in my life I have longed, for so long. A woman I love, and who loves me enough to overlook my shortcomings. I cannot believe how fortunate I am.

From this day on my chastity, body and soul belongs to my Queen.

16.3.2015

Okay. It's 500 days now, finally. I think I'm supposed to say something.

First of all, I have a strange feeling looking at the figure. For so long it was my goal and after reaching it I feel it should mean more to me.

I suppose I would feel more victorious if there hadn't been the unfortunate slip-up a mere days before. I am glad and proud to say it wasn't me who gave in, but my body.

Happily I didn't get any sort of enjoyment out of it, quite the opposite. And in return I got back my libido, and hornyness roughly ten times compared to the one I had prior to my accident.

In fact I'm continually so horny nowadays, yesterday I though I could have ejaculated into my pants, just by thinking about it. I even tried it, to have a frustrating ruined orgasm, to celebrate my 500 days, but at the last moment my body got a stage fright, or something. The experience was wonderfully frustrating thought.

So, things could be worse I suppose.

At the moment there are things happening my life which may make it unpractical or impossible to continue my ban indefinitely. But it's been quite a ride, to get this far. To be allowed to enjoy the frustration as long as I have.

Despite the accident I had, the counter keeps ticking until further notice. November the first, 2013, still marks the date I had satisfying full orgasm the last time.

15.3.2015

I just as well may make this a public one. I have finally slipped. After 497 days of chastity, and countless hours of edging my limp dick something quite awful has happened.

As you may remember, two days ago I explained how I had experienced a couple of curious orgasmic spasms, as I was edging, but no ejaculation. That should have been a warning sign, but since I've been able to edge my limp dick quite safely for almost a year now, I thought it was merely an isolated incident.

However, two days ago, quite fittingly on Friday the 13th, something I thought was impossible finally happened. Prior to this I had been edging myself for hours, like I usually do and was trying different methods, as well as places to do it.

I had thought it would be a nice change of pace to masturbate a little while in front of a full length mirror in my apartment, simply for the humiliation aspect. I did so, and while I was already walking away, well... it started happening. A wave of orgasmic sensations washed over me, with me being unable to do anything about it, and my limp dick spurted sperm out of it as I walked and just looked at it with horror.

I think it's needless to say I was devastated. I couldn't understand how my body could have betray me like this, after all this time. After exactly 71 weeks, I might add. I was mad at my body, and to myself, for not stopping sooner. For so long being the one who does not cum had defined me, and suddenly my life seemed to lost meaning.

Counting days of my chastity, one of the few pleasures in my life, seemed to lost it meaning as well. No longer I was able to say that even though I had some sort of ecstatic experienced I hadn't actually cummed. What use was there anymore to count the days?

After thinking the matter over thoroughly, and having discussed it with several people I have reached a conclusion.

What I experienced is something that is generally called a "ruined orgasm", an accidental discharge of semen. It wasn't like I had decided to cum, and enjoy it, in a way masturbating male enjoys a full, satisfying orgasm. It gave me no pleasure whatsoever, rather the opposite. I felt only shock, horror, shame and disappointment.

Therefore I have decided to mark it and the strange ecstatic experience two days prior black in my cum diary, as accidental ruined orgasms and continue with my current counter. November the first, 2013 remains the last time one could say I have had a full satisfying orgasm last time.

Neither do I have any desire to start cumming again like a normal man. If anything, the unsatisfying experience has made my resolution even stronger.

It may also interest some of you following my project, that those little spurts of ejaculate seem to have an effect on my behavior. After the incident I have been very irritable and tense, snapped at people and lost my temper way too easily.

At first I thought it was because I was so mad at myself, but being tense hasn't passed, and I realized it must have a link to my accident. In fact the effect has been exactly the same every time I have started my cum bans on previous occasions, after couple of days of cumlessness. On those occasions the ban has been preceded with a period of being able to cum daily, but the effect is the same.

In fact I realized very soon that me being this irritable is directly linked with me being more horny than I have been in more time than I can possibly remember. In fact it is rather hard to understand how I passed the early days of my cum ban, if it felt like this. The constant throbbing sensation deep inside my testicles and the desire to let them empty themselves is very intense and quite overwhelming. The more so the more I think about the matter.

In a way my testicles seem to be so much alive than they were mere days ago. The sight of a beautiful woman has now totally different effect on me. I feel more much vulnerable, much weaker, much more controlled by my libido. The fight not to start masturbating is a constant one.

So, in a way my very unfortunate accident may have actually been a blessing in disguise. At least what I currently endure is more uncomfortable, stressful and agonizing than anything I have experienced in a long, long time.

The day count is 499. The journey countinues.

12.3.2015

Okay, here's a little story, or rather a piece of some rather disturbing information, that will interest only the ones who have followed my chastity project.

During the last few weeks I have noticed, that my chastity has finally started to have an effect on my libido. The stress and the fact I've been very busy may have also affected me, as well as other factors, but basically I've felt no desire to edge, in order to maintain my sexual frustration. It's as if my libido is finally dying out.

Therefore I have had to force myself to edge, since I don't want my chastity to be too easy for me. Those who I've discussed about the matter know I can edge my limp dick quite safely for hours, without a danger of an ejaculation. Or so I thought.

A few days ago something disturbing happened. I had masturbated my limp little dick at that point for hours, to get into the frenzy state I love. Just enough to feel that sensation in my feet, when my body prepares to ejaculate. To get myself as horny as possible, so close to the orgasm I can taste it.

Then, as I was just sitting there, in front of my computer, not even touching my limp dick, I suddenly felt... this a wave or ecstasy washing over me. I felt... something trying to force itself out of my penis, and I was completely powerless to stop it. I twitched a few times, not moving a muscle.

Needless to say I was simply horrified. I don't want to fool myself. It was orgasm, sort of, or a part of one. It was something I haven't felt for sixteen months. Something I had forgotten all about now.

And I assure you, It was awful. It was like a horrible nightmare. For so long being without an orgasm had defined me. I am the one who keeps oneself in chastity. The one who denies himself any sort of sexual release, and gets off on the idea. It is what I do.

Someone has asked me whether it a ruined orgasm? In a way it was, but nothing came out. There was just the surge in my limp dick, and I felt two or orgasmic spasms. Afterwards my little dick started pulsating in a weird, warm way. It did that for a few minutes, and then ended.

Afterwards I felt utterly, utterly filthy. It was as if something disgusting had made me dirty, tainted me, made my chastity without meaning. I still want to continue my cum ban. I didn't ejaculate. I don't want my torment to stop.

And above all, I didn't grab my limp dick, and spoiled it all. I think there was once a time when it would have been my immediate response. But now it was quite the opposite. I just wanted the awful sensation to go away, wanted to stay pure. In a way, I think, the experience has made me not wanting to cum ever again.

15.1.2015

Another dream of cumming, and the second one in a matter of mere few days. This is getting interesting.

This time, however, I was witnessed masturbating my small and limp dick, in a train car or a bus, by Samantha Fox and Sabrina Salerno, two biggest sex symbols from my teenage years.

I even remembered Sam making a rather cruel remark afterwards, when the realization what I had done struck me afterwards in the dream. "So, how many days had it been, again...?", she said, and smiled wickedly.

This was, in fact, one of the very rare occasions I have had celebrities appearing my dreams. So, it's not all bad. Still, I'm relieved it was only a horrible nightmare! 

12.1.2015

I dreamt of cumming again. I hate having nightmares like that.