30.4.2016

Last October I published something I called "The Halloween Question and Answer special". It consisted of my answers to questions a page I follow on Facebook. For the past half a year the pile of similar answers has been growing, so it's high time for a second installment. Since I'm still not a man of few words this installment will be a long one as well. This one could be called "The May Day Question and Answer special".


What is your favorite thing about springtime?

Well, I can't deny it, it's the girls on the streets.

I love the feeling of going nuts seeing their in their short dresses. I'm a leg fetishist, and I usually get more out of normal summer wear than out of porn. The younger and more drop dead gorgeous women the better. I also enjoy thinking how out of their league I am.

I love the feeling of my testicles coming alive and feeling so desperate, or thinking what the girls I look at would think if they knew I haven't cummed by my free will for over two years. Next summer it will have been over six months of total chastity, and I have high hopes it will be excruciating time for me.

When was the last time you checked out a woman's ass?

Does checking your own girlfriend's ass count? I do it every time I see her walking, and can't believe how fortunate I am.

When was your last trip around an adult store?

It was way back in last summer. I brought my girlfriend there to get her a vibrator of her very own. Every girl should have one. Especially if they are in a relationship with someone whose penis is as useless as mine.

Could you be dominant if it pleases your lover?

I can, and I have. As has she. That's what they call love.

Have you had sex in the shower?

Does masturbation count? Since that's 99,99% on the sex I used to have, in shower or elsewhere. Nowadays I don't dare even to soap myself down there too thoroughly, because that could be interpreted as masturbating.

How many sexual partners have you had?

Depends what you mean with a "sexual partners".

If you mean all the women I have even kissed passionately I think figure could be as high as seven. But if you count only... let's say cunnilingus or other kind of more intimate fooling around, then the figure would be around three.

If the definition of sex is actual intercourse then the figure would be even lower. I would say two, or one. I didn't mention fellatio, even though men usually bring it up with questions like these, because I've never experienced it.

That's not much for 44 years.

Are you allowed to look and flirt or is that still cheating?

I think I have flirted with women as long as I have had some sort of social skills. However, it a strange kind of flirting because it has never had so called ulterior motive. That is, I don't do it to pick women up. I don't want to get into their panties. Quite frankly, the mere thought has always scared me.

Most likely I wouldn't know how to talk to women without flirting. But I think for me it's just being nice to them, and making them laugh. It's just a natural part of what I am.

Are you one of those guys who thinks size does not matter?

Oh, no. Quite the opposite. It matters a great deal. It is what separates real men from impotent losers like me.

If you were going to be a slave for a Mistress what type of slave would you be?

I think that is for her to say and me to obey. It is her needs that counts, not mine.

Finish the following sentences:

a) The next time I have sex I hope to...

...avoid ejaculating.

b) The last time I came it felt...

...wrong, messy, dirty, undeserved, disgustingly pleasurable, disturbingly normal and unpleasantly manly.

c) The more I think about a woman's ________ the hornier I become.

Hm. I would say voice.

If your sex drive was a sport which one would it be?

I don't watch sports. But then again, I don't have sex or masturbate either. Kind of fitting, wouldn't you think?

If you were given a chance to fuck the woman of your dreams but you had to first be denied and locked in chastity for one full year would you do it?

A hard question to answer. Let's just say if it truly were the woman of my dreams, she would prefer fucking me, not vice versa.

Do you ever get horny when super tired?

I don't know about tired, but I've always had the habit of getting erections if I sleep or doze. It is the one thing my penis still can do, even though it has never gotten hard when it should have been, in order for me to be able to make love to a woman.

When I was a teenager and still lived at my parents it was sometimes inconvenient. I remember some quite long car trips during which I sometimes dozed off in the back seat. When we arrived home I sometimes had really to struggle to hide the rock hard erection in my tight jeans.

Do you sleep partially or fully naked?

I try to do it as often as possible. Like I said, I tend to get erections while I'm asleep, However, recently I've noticed that if I sleep naked, bottomless or in some very loose shorts I will 100% certainty have an erections when I wake up. Being in chastity and forbidden to touch myself in sexual way it is so nice to wake up and see one's penis rock hard, and yearning for attention and release, something it won't ever get...

In your relationship, is masturbation considered cheating?

Very much so. At the moment even edging and playing with myself in an inappropriate manner is considered such. My Queen doesn't like the idea of me having any kind of sexual pleasure.

What tends to feel better for you, sex or masturbation?

Well, in my case the answer would be: "Neither".

How many times you cummed last year?

Way too many times. In 2015 I had eight instances one could call orgasms, or at least ejaculations. 

Four of them were ruined orgasms from my Queen, two really unpleasurable edging accidents, and only two could be called "normal" cumming from masturbation. They were all done under the observation and with the permission of my Queen. 

On 23th of July we also agreed it would be a good idea to forbid all sort of playing with myself while I'm alone. This rule still applies. Quite frankly the idea of masturbating on my own seems very unnatural to me now. 

My ejaculations took place in the 255 days between from 13th of March to 23rd of November, after which a drop of ejaculate haven't escaped my testicles. That makes about 31 days to one ejaculation. Not bad, wouldn't you say?

Okay, so how long has it been now? What's your record? Has your Queen been orgasming normally?

As of writing this it's been 150 days since my last ejaculation. That's a mere one quarter of 600 days. Think I could do it?

My record is 497 days, maddeningly close to 500 days. It would be so nice to able to break that record at least. Besides, this would be a record I would have made with my Queen, not a chastity period left over from another woman or women...

It's now been more or less one year since we started documenting my girlfriend's orgasms. In that time she has now had 158 orgasms, which is exactly 150 orgasms more than me.

Are you more productive in other areas of your life when you're locked up and not thinking with your penis?

Unfortunately no. When I'm denied of sexual pleasure I tend to think nothing but sex and masturbating, making me very unproductive indeed.

Does wearing a chastity device help you fill out your underwear? Has anyone ever noticed you're wearing the device in your everyday clothes?

As only a beginner, that's one the things that has kept me from wearing mine for long periods of time. I've tested it by doing short trips to the store and so forth, but that was in winter. The chance of someone noticing me wearing one is something I'm not yet ready to face.

What's your favorite way of being teased by your keyholder?

I love verbal teasing, commonly known as "talking dirty", that takes place online. after all, that's what 99% of my sex life has consisted of. Reminding me how long it has been since I've been allowed to cum, and how wonderful it feels for her to be allowed to orgasm whenever she wants drives me wild. The next best thing is actual verbal teasing, and only after that the physical teasing.

Would you ever sign a contract with your keyholder to stay in shape physically?

Why, of course. At least if it meant she would be in charge of my diet and physical exercise.

Tell us about your latest erotic dream.

It was a dream about masturbating in front of my girlfriend, and ending up actually ejaculating by mistake. I haven't had actual "wet" dreams in decades, thankfully. My body just created images in my head about things it wants to happen. Fortunately I'm a very chaste boy.

What about your last nightmare?

Some time ago I woke up today from a dream with a throbbing hard-on. In the dream I had been on my computer and a thing that I don't remember and had something to do with something else that made complete sense in the dream required that I masturbated, or did it at regular intervals.

As I was closing orgasm I realized: "What am I, nuts? I'm not allowed to cum!". I clenched my hand around the member and had a few spasms. Afterwards I had to taste myself in the dream, to make sure how the stuff that oozed out was. It was pretty thick and tasted of sperm.

I woke up from the dream and caressed my throbbing penis: "Awwww. So hard, and not allowed to cum, not even in a dream." Naturally I had to inform my Queen this as soon as I got chance. She seemed amused and pleased.

If you could have one pervy  super power, what would it be? The power to read peoples dirty thoughts, to see through their clothes, to make them have orgasms by will or something else?

I think there already is the perviest super power possible on comics as it is. Remember Reed Richards, aptly named Mr. Fantastic who can shape any part of his body into any form possible? I've always thought Sue Richards must be a very, very satisfied woman...

But as other possibilities go, I must say I think being able to make anyone orgasm telepathically would be extremely useful and amusing superpower. I would use it all the time if I had it. Mostly to women of course, but it would be so fun watching men squirting in their pants and trying to keep their cool.

Basically, making person to orgasm by will, or being able to read their naughty thoughts for that matter, is something every strong telepath in comics or in sci-fi in general could have and mostly likely has. But for some reason it is never mentioned.

How big are you? 

I decided I would add this one here at the end, to get it over with.

Dozens of times, if not hundreds of times when I've discussed on-line with fellow subs, sometimes even dommes, the line on conversation has gone the same way.

First they as what size am I. And no, they do not refer to my shoe or hat size. When I answer it they ask: "Soft or hard?" to which I reply the former. Then, every time, they ask how big it is hard then, to which I have had to answer, every single time, that it doesn't get hard, or that it never stays hard long enough for me to measure it.

Well, some time ago I realized I have a tape measure the kind of tailors use, and I took it out and placed it into a drawer of my nightstand. This morning I finally got to do the measuring, at the time of my punctual but very brief morning erection. Everybody ready for the result?

*drumroll*

It's... 18 cm.

Or thereabouts. I think if had been rock hard, the way it is when I use drug that makes it stiff and an iron rod, it would most likely be even more.

I have no idea whether that big or small, and quite frankly, I don't care. That particular piece of my body has never been that much use, not for for me neither the members of the fairer sex.

However, I thought I should make a big announcement out of it, since the fact seems to have such a big importance to so many people.

And no, I'm still not going to send you pictures of it. Go find photographs of penises somewhere else, you perverts.

25.4.2016

It's been over a week since my last, rather dramatic post. Therefore I think it's high time I clear things up a bit and tell you, my faithful readers, about the current situation.

First things first. We haven't broken up. There's still something that you can call us, there is still Queen and me. But it came very close we did.

After I made my earlier post the situation progressed, and by that I mean it went from bad to worse. There has been a lot of harsh and direct talk and lot of crying, me included. 

Monday night a week ago I wasn't sure whether I had a girlfriend anymore. It's no exaggeration to say we have just been closer to the end of our relationship than we've ever been before.

We have problems, there's no denying that, more than we should, and way more than I would hope. I don't want to go into too much detail, but there are her bisexuality, our age difference, as well as other differences between us, my self-esteem issues and expectations what belongs to a relationship after a year and a half, her commitment issues and feelings of being trapped, and so on.

All or at least most of these things have affected each other and most likely have made the problems worse. There are things that have been brewing under the surface, many of which I really haven't been aware of fully. Mostly because my Queen hadn't told about them to me.

I spent a day and a night at her place little less than week ago. As I went there I wasn't sure whether she was my girlfriend anymore. Whether I had just lost a huge part of my life. Whether it would be my last time there. I was sobbing even before I was inside her apartment.

We talked for hours about the situation and how differently we saw it, as well as about our differences, and whether there would be any point us to continue as a couple, and where would we go from here.

Finally we came to the conclusion we could still try, at least. But there are things we will have to improve and work on. Nevertheless, the situation and our relationship is way more problematic I could have believed a week ago. 

I wrote my earlier post mostly to my Queen. Partly I did it to sort my head, partly to make her understand my feelings. It's all, however, only my part of the story, and as I wrote it I had no idea how she felt about certain things.

I still stand behind everything I said on the post, even though I understand now the whole picture is much bigger, much more complex and problematic.

On Monday night my Queen linked to me a coming out video of a YouTube celebrity she has followed since high school. She told me she has watched it "almost religiously" since last spring. I watched through, the whole 20 minutes or it.

The video really hit me. In it the YouTuber tells how her being lesbian had always been a thing she has suppressed because of her background, and even though she dated a lot of guys she felt she can never give herself fully to a man. That it felt wrong for someone to just pour love into a relationship while she keeps retreating.

My Queen said many of the things described in the video fit so perfectly to her it's scary. And it was scary, to watch it and realize how she must have felt all this time. To realize how so many things in her behavior suddenly made sense.

My Queen claimed that she's does not think herself as 100% lesbian. That she has eyes for male beauty as well. But she does have, and I have noticed this as well, problems with certain parts of male physique. Then again, she seems to have problems with all sorts of physical as well as sexual things in general, as well.

Couple nights ago, day or so after our confrontation I noticed the usual after effects I get in situations like this. The real shock and realization hits me only afterwards. As it all happens I'm too busy to simply survive.

My Queen, however, told me that she felt strangely relieved afterwards, and not at all stressed or anguished, like she had done before. That's a good thing, I believe.

All I can say now that things are not the same way they were before. I am not sure whether they are worse, I'm not even say they are better. But that are different. In a way I feel I have been just been in a near fatal car crash and survived only with few scratches. My Queen doesn't question the metaphor.

So yes, things have changed. It is hard for me to describe how exactly. Some sort of innocence, one could call it, is gone from our relationship. I see my Queen in a different light now, and in a way I feel I have lost some of the boundless affection I have felt towards her all through our relationship.

In a way I understand now my Queen isn't my ideal girlfriend I think I've wanted to see her as. I have wanted it so very bad and thought that over time things will get better. As we learn to understand each other better, to understand what the other person wants and as we learn to make compromises. However, it seems all the while the time was working against us, not with us.

I have discussed the situation with some of my kinky acquaintances during the past week and one of the things I've heard is that at least there is more things now out in the open now, which is a good start. One can't fix problems if one doesn't know they are there. This is something my Queen and I both agree with.

I think it's only fair to add something one can define as erotic, as a reward for all of you who have gotten to the end of this post.

My Queen is still keeping her word and going to deny me orgasms at least the rest of the year. I am naturally very relieved to hear this. She really does hate sperm, and the idea of any of it coming out of me. So, no orgasms for me this year.

She on the other hand seems to have some of her libido back and has started to masturbate more. Just the other night she told me she has apparently orgasmed once a day during the last four days. Even I didn't masturbate more often than that. Back in the day I used to do it, that is.

Either her sex drive is coming back, or she has just been too bored. The latter were her own words. She also says masturbating is so trivial thing for her she may do it and forget to tell about it to me, or to forget whether she has masturbated that day or not.

She also informed me during our confrontation that due to her mental problems she has decided to drop also the birth control option number two she has been using for some time now, and that has put her menstrual cycle to go haywire. This means there is no way now we will ever be able to have so called normal sex with penetration.

My little limp dick is now forever forbidden to enter my Queen's pussy.

I feel very happy about it.

16.4.2016

Writing this blog post is very difficult for me. As I'm writing this I'm in a state mind in which I would like to forget everything. But I will try. However, let it be said there is very little anything sexy in this long post. Rather, it's an attempt to tell you what has happened to me and my Queen the past few months.

It's been quite a while since I made my last blog post. However, as usual, there's a reason for it. In this case several ones, to be exact. In fact there would have been several instances during the past two months I would have had things to tell, but quite frankly for various reasons I haven't felt like writing about it.

I am not sure in what point everything started to go wrong between me and my Queen, or what exactly has it been that has gone wrong. All I know is that as I'm writing this all is not well.

However, since this is supposed to be a sexual blog let's at least start from there. It has been very quiet sexually between us during the past few months. One could say it's been more or less dead.

The biggest reason for this is the fact that because of my Queen's anxieties she chose to change the type of birth control she started using some time ago. The reason behind her decision were the anxiety attacks she had, in which she was convinced the worst possible side effects of the medication were manifesting themselves.

It has taken me, and us, long conversations in which I have tried to be there for her and tried to make her understand that every little sensation she feels in her body isn't a sign of something horrible, and that will mean she will die painfully.

Ultimately, however, she decided to switch her medication from the one her gynecologist primarily recommended to the next best option. The one she now uses has caused her menstrual cycle to go haywire for several months. I won't go into detail, but let's just said it has prevented me doing anything for her in ages. The things taking place have also made her feel very unsexual.

At this point I should also add that my Queen is currently seeking help with the issues of anxiety and depression and who knows what. It's a long road, though and do not believe in quick fixes. But it is good she has done something, since she has a lot to work on. She admits this herself.

It's hard to say how big a role sex dying out between us has had in all of this. Maybe it's not the only reason, but it has had its effects, of that I am sure of. To tell the truth I'm still going round and round in my head what came first and what affected what.

All I can say that during the last few moths it has started to disturb me that some parts of being in a relationship seem to cause problems to her. That as part of a couple you're sort of expected to take the other person into consideration in what you do.

Therefore I have been during the past few months been a bit more determined in expressing all that to her. After all, we have dated almost a year and a half now, and it has disturbed me to understand I still have to explain so many things to her.

This in turn has led to series of little crises during last few months. None of the things leading to them has been anything major. They have all been little things, but put all together the complete picture I've begun form is a one a person with definite commitment problems.

One could even say that when it comes to relationship roles they seem to be vice versa in ours. She seems to be the macho idiot who doesn't understand why being in a relationship should restrict him in any way when it comes hanging out with the guys, whereas I'm the over-thinking little wife who is too sensitive for her own good, and has trouble understanding why her boyfriend is so heartless.

I may be guilty of over-analyzing, but it seems to me that for several months now my Queen has been trying desperately to prove herself and me she has a life outside the one she has with me. That she is not chained to me. That she can still do all the things she used to do, or wants to do. That she is a free spirit, to do anything she desires. I have no objection to any of it, even though I don't feel or have never felt the same kind of desire she seems to do.

What I do find a bit annoying is the fact that it has become, whether she has realized it or not, something she can rub into my face over and over again. That I don't have as active life as she has, or that I have focused my social life more than she has. I'm content having the friends I have, doing the things I do. I don't feel the need to prove anything to anyone. 

All the while this has been going on I have had a worse phase as well, a one to which the things I described earlier haven't had a positive effect. I have never been diagnosed with actual depression, but my moods do tend to be quite a roller coaster. Periods of productivity followed with moods of worthlessness and self-loathing.

During the last few months it has been mostly latter. I have begun to feel inadequate and as an outsider in my normal social circles. I know most of this is probably happening only inside my own head, but it's as hard for me to accept that as it is for a depressed person to stop being depressed.

Having problems with my Queen at the same time hasn't helped, since many of the little crises we've had have had something to do with social situations as well. Also, it's easy feeling a loser when the opposite of it is being rubbed into your face. Most likely the issues of us both have affected each other and made them worse.

As an end result of all of this we have went from one little crisis to another, a thing neither of doesn't like, but a one we have been unable to avoid either.

Then there's the sexual orientation part. Some months ago my Queen started admitting to me she has sexual feelings for women as well. This was, I have to say, no big news to me and I had sort of put it together over time.

For my Queen, however, this seems to be something she has fought with a long time now. She comes from a religious family and she says all her life she has played the part of a "nice heterosexual daughter" even though inside she's something very different.

What came to as a sort of a surprise for me was how big an issue this has been to her. It is not one or two times when I've held her, as she has cried uncontrollably and telling how awful she is feeling the way she does. That feeling the way she feels she does a great injustice towards me.

These feelings, it seems, have come the stronger the more she has come in terms with this side of herself. I've told her over and over again they are not anything she needs to be ashamed of, since it's nothing she can control.

I have tried to be super-cool about this all. Because... well, I am.

I have said to her time and time again I'm perfectly cool if she has sexual feelings towards girls. Because, hey, what's not to like in girls? We have watched "Crazy Ex-Girlfriend" together and admired Rachel Bloom's ample cleavage. We have joked about the "Peggy Carter" background image she has on her phone. We exchange glances smiling when a sexy girl passes us on the street.

I love having a partly lesbian girlfriend. I'm totally okay with it. Like I've said previously, I'm even flattered. To realize I'm enough for her, that I'm feminine enough for her to fell in love with me in the first place.  

I'm totally okay with all of it as long I feel I'm enough for my girlfriend. As long as I don't get the impression she is planning to hop into bed with a nice geek girl living next door to her. I'm a human being after all, not a saint or a superman with ego of steel.

I have told her I am not threatened by the fact she finds women sexually attractive. However, I have admitted to her that yes, I am scared as hell of the idea that she will involuntarily fall in love with a girl. Because that is something one can't control, unlike having sex with someone.

I know I sound like a horrible person, but how was I supposed to react? As I heard over a course of several months about her fantasies, over and over again. As my girlfriend is having a crisis after crisis, as she is sobbing in my arms and telling me once again about her erotic dream in which she is having sex with a woman.

What was I supposed to do? I can't change my sex to make the woman I love and who loves me happy. I would, if I could. And I have told her that many times.

Well, there is one thing have been able to do. And that is trying to be not only her boyfriend but girlfriend as well. 

The thing is, while all of this has been going on we have taken our first steps into experimenting with a bit of cross-dressing. For a long time she has hinted at it, how she would love to put lipstick to my luscious lips, that are so much fuller than hers she is actually envious of them.

A month or so ago we a session during which I got to be dress-up doll my girlfriend. I was into it all the way, since I wanted to show her I wasn't against exploring my feminine side. That in me she could have both boyfriend and a girlfriend. Ultimately it got all quite steamy and by the end I was so comfortable in her dress I didn't want to take it off.

I even got so into it I started to look for a suitable and cheap wig on-line, and finally bought one with the assistance of my Queen. The women's department on flea markets started to interest me, and I suggested to my Queen we could go shopping together in the summer. 

All this however was before the most recent series of events. Events during which my Queen has had to ask herself why she feels hard to act as a part of a couple with me, after the subject had come up a couple of times.

Last Sunday I spent a night at her place. It had been quite a while I had done so and I admit I had maybe a too romantic and foolish ideas about the visit. In any case the line of discussion soon went into the problems we've had, and her difficulty in acting like a girlfriend in social situations.

Finally my Queen admitted that she believes the reason for acting towards me the way she has lately is that deep inside she feels resentment towards the idea of being part of "some kind of heterosexual relationship".

A little while later she was crying again and telling me I'm this perfect boyfriend, so sweet and caring and sensitive and thinking everything in such an adult manner, that she feels she doesn't deserve me because she is so awful. What is a guy to do? Aside from holding her that is.

We continued the conversation couple of days later, this time on-line. The thing she had said the other night had understandably been going around in my head the past few days. If she felt resentment being in a heterosexual relationship, what in her opinion had we done, or been in, for the past year and a half?  Hadn't she realized she was in a relationship, until now?

"We have tried so hard to make compromises", I told her a little while later after she had given me her usual apologies. "To find common ground, on which both of us could be happy. I have done my best to meet you in the half way, but the closer the half way I get, the more you keep retreating to your side."

She didn't deny it.

When I brought up the question how much of what she feels is caused by fear of committing, how much by her dislike of an idea being in a relationship with a man, she dropped the actual bomb:

"Well, I guess I fear committing, because I feel at the same time sexual desire towards a female body, and would like to get to experience it, but I can't."

I didn't know what to say to her at that point. It was such a slap to my face.

After all the I had done. After all that being the ideal boyfriend, someone caring, affectionate and tender, someone who had listened to her, taken care of her and consoled her when she was crying her eyes out.

After all that she didn't like to be reminded or admit to her she was in relationship with me, in something that outside looked like a normal heterosexual relationship. 

Because in her head it meant she couldn't get nasty with women if she wanted.

"Well, that's it then", I said finally. "You have built yourself a fool proof chain of logic, which gives you the chance to get rid of me, if you want."

She didn't deny this either. The coldness of her comments at this part still chills me.

After I had regained my senses at least partially I reminded her that I had said numerous times that if she truly wants to arrange a threesome I am not standing in the way. She said that she knows it, but that she has no such plans, and most likely couldn't do it because of her low self-esteem.

At that point I was lost for words. What was I supposed to say? I'm not planning to get nasty with any girl, but I dislike the idea of being in a relationship with you, just in case. Despite the fact you're so sweet and and all.

I'm not saying I don't understand her. I felt more or less the same way when I was in my first relationship. My sexual life had been nonexistent before it, but after I suddenly become a part of a very steady couple I felt trapped. The possibility of finding something or someone that suited my preferences even better was taken away from me.

In some weird way I even understand my incredibly jealous ex much better. Talk about weird. Still, I hope sincerely I haven't been as awful towards my Queen as my ex was towards me.

I haven't been able to know what to think for the past couple of days. I don't deny feeling hurt. Or perhaps not hurt. I feel inadequate, powerless and scared beyond belief. Yesterday I wasn't at all sure whether I had a girlfriend anymore.

I wasn't sure whether the things I had bought on-line would stay in their packages for the next two years. The thing is, the same exact thing happened three years ago, as my previous girlfriend broke up with me before we got a chance of unpacking a similar item.

As I now thought the possibility of it all happening again I felt my heart being ripped from my heart and tears fill me eyes, even as I write this.

When I finally texted her and asked her just that she assured me I still had one. At that moment I would have wanted to ask whether she understood that there are couples who would have considered our prior conversation a break-up?

Despite what she said I couldn't help but feeling very uneasy last night. Originally the idea was for me to see her off to a bus, since she will be traveling this weekend, and meeting her friends and  family. In the end she didn't ask me to come. Maybe it was for the better. I didn't know what I would have said to her.   

Maybe I shouldn't have gone with her idea of dressing me up as a girl, I find myself contemplating now. Who knows, perhaps that was the last straw. Maybe when she frolicked in the bed with me and feeling my fake tits she had realized I wasn't enough for her?

I admit my thinking isn't the most coherent at the moment and I feel going back and forth in the spectrum of emotions.

There are times I ask myself would it really be that impossible for a straight girl to fall in love with me? All the women who have done so have been at least bi, or straight-curious lesbians. What's wrong with me? It would be, you know, a nice change of pace to catch the attention of a straight girl. Just one. Just once. But it seems that would be a too much to ask.

In my opinion I am not asking much. I have never asked much. When I was younger women and girls were something quite unreachable for me. Even after I begun my sex life at 33 years of age and finally started developing something resembling a self-confidence I haven't asked that much.

All I have ever wanted was someone who I could share my life, my fantasies and my sexuality with. Someone I would mean something to, and something I could do nice things to. That I could have someone, that I wouldn't have to feel so alone, and such a freak and a failure.

My Queen was all that to me. For the first time in my life I felt being on the same level with a woman. Without having to put a show on, or to pretend being something I am not, someone with more confidence and self-esteem. Someone with whom I could be silly and clumsy together. I have never felt so comfortable with anyone.

Now I fear I will lose it all.

I have, I believe, tried to everything my power to make my Queen happy. I have cared for her, consoled her and been there for her through her hard phases. I have taken her feelings into consideration, helped her and been kind to her. I have so hard to be the ideal, most romantic boyfriend a girl can think of. 

I have tried my very best to do everything she has wished me to do or hinted at in bed. I have never said no to something she has suggested or hinted at. I have tried to be the ideal dom for her, even though that role isn't natural for me. The ideal lover, even. For me her needs have always come first. Our sex life has been only about her pleasure, not mine.

I have tried my very best not to push her into anything, or make her to do anything she feels uncomfortable with. My needs are, after all, not big ones and not the most usual kind. Sometimes I wonder, and have even asked it from her couple of times, whether she understands it how much I have given up for her. How much there is a real man would expect in a relationship. She assured me she does. 

I know this sounds like I'm drawing a picture of myself as some sort of a saint. I'm not. I'm far from it, believe me. I have my faults and sometimes I amaze how my Queen stands me the way she does. But I try. That's all I can do. 

My Queen is not what one could call centerfold material. However, to me she is the most beautiful woman in the world. I love her smile, her laugh, her smell, her every curve, every inch of her body. In fact I feel I have grown as person through her and I am much less superficial than I used to be.

Also, I do know she is not the only fish in the sea, as they say. If really try to see things objectively, I know I would have a lot to offer to any woman sexually, despite my lack of hard cock. I'm even distantly aware I'm not that bad to look at, apparently. That I could find someone if the worst happened. If I actually tried.

But I don't want to.

Because I really love that girl.

My Queen.  

23.2.2016

Originally my plan was to make this and the previous blog post one in which I would cover all that has happened to me recently. There simply seemed to be too little to tell in two separate posts. Despite my intentions it all ended up so long I am now making two posts. 

The following took place a little less than a week after the incidents described in the previous post, this Monday to be exact. I ended up spending the night at her place, even though it wasn't at all planned. However, it seemed my Queen wanted me to stay, since she would be traveling that week for a few days and we wouldn't have a chance to see each other until the end of the week.

It also seemed a perfect opportunity for some hanky panky. Mother nature, who has had the tendency to thwart our plans so many times, was away and even my Queen seemed to be in the mood. I'm sad to inform that in that sense the visit was a failure. There was couple of potential instances, but on both occasions there were things that prevented something from clicking. 

Aside from the lack of making my Queen to orgasm, however, the visit was a very pleasant one. I will explain. 

What happened was very unplanned, and all in all a curious series of events. We both showered before going to bed, which is something we don't do on regular basis. While I was in the shower I got shampoo in my eye making it so irritated I had to keep my eyes closed. I went to bed wearing nothing but my Queen's bathrobe and keeping my eyes shut. After a while I felt my Queen joining me.

It's somewhat hard to remember afterwards the exact order of the events, but at some point my Queen ended up opening my bathrobe a bit and started to examine my flaccid penis. 

Like I've told you, my Queen doesn't have a habit of doing that very often, so it felt quite a treat. I even asked her about it at one point, is she sure this isn't unpleasant for her? She assured me it wasn't. "This isn't anything I feel I'm pressured into doing", she said. 

She kept saying how velvety and soft the skin on my penis felt, as she caressed it tenderly with her fingertips. This all was very pleasant to hear and I felt my penis starting to react, which it rarely does. I was very pleasantly surprised, to say the least, and I almost couldn't believe it.

In retrospection I think the thing that made it stir was the fact I knew my Queen did all of this willingly. That she felt comfortable doing it. That she actually wanted to caress my soft little penis. Things like that seem to matter a great deal to the part of my brain responsible of my sexuality. 

A thing that also made all even more erotic was the fact that I still kept my eyes closed. The lack of vision meant I couldn't see anything, not even check whether I had a proper erection or not. There was only her fingers and my penis, her voice and mine, and the sensations it all created, with me in the complete darkness. 

I'm aware my Queen didn't exactly know what to do most of the time, but I think her hesitancy and the tentativeness feel made the whole thing even more erotic. The fact that she tried meant she must love me, I thought. She kept caressing and teasing me and I felt my member starting to swell more and more. I don't think I had a good, solid erection at any point, but what I experienced felt great.

There was a lot of verbal teasing going back and forth between us as well, but the details escape me. I was so relaxed, aroused and half asleep, all in the same time, that it all felt like a dream. I also got so aroused it was hard for me form coherent sentences time to time, something that always seem to amuse my Queen.

What we talked about, however, was about the fact cumming was not allowed for me, how she wanted me, her boyfriend, to stay chaste and pure. How all men who orgasmed and ejaculated were disgusting and yucky, and that she didn't want to date someone like that. 

Women who orgasm are another thing entirely. Women should orgasm freely, whenever they feel like it, especially her, my Queen. It was their basic right. It was only natural. But no, she said when I tried to object, it was not natural for men. They should have no such right. Especially me. Because she didn't like the idea of me cumming. 

As you can believe from what I've written, I was insane with lust at that point. As I am now as I'm writing this, truth to tell, and returning to those moments in my mind. 

It was a really intense experience, all in all. There were times I started to approach the threshold, so to speak, and those moments were the hardest. On those moments I felt my resolution starting to crumble. I started to think how it would be like to cum, to be allowed to cum, and how great it would feel.

There was even one time, when my Queen started to apply on me something that could be called "a wiggling technique". At that moment I almost begged her to stop. Part of me was afraid I would get too close and end up cumming, part of me was afraid that if I got too close I wouldn't care, that my body would take control, and I would let the accident happen, and not warn my Queen in advance. 

All in what I felt was not only physical, but also mental anguish. I felt as if my mind was tearing itself apart, fighting with itself, torn between the sudden desire to cum, and to get all that vile and nasty sperm out of my testicles, and the desire to stay chaste and pure for my Queen.

Fortunately we never got too close and no accidents took place. I think at one point I tried to convey some of this to my Queen, but I'm not whether I managed, in my only semi-coherent state. However, I do remember my Queen clearly stating very clearly that no, she did not want me to cum.

Finally I opened my eyes and looked at her. I blinked, feeling disoriented and looked around me. The whole thing couldn't have lasted more than a few minutes, no more than five at least, I think, but it felt as if I had just emerged from somewhere very deep.

My Queen smiled and said that I looked as I had just orgasmed. I sighed deeply, closed my eyes and nodded. It wasn't the post orgasmic sensation men are used to feel, but in some weird way it was something even better.

When I got back the ability to speak I thanked my Queen, and told her that this was what I wanted, sexually speaking, exactly this. Nothing more. And by giving it to me she had made me very, very happy. 

"Well, I'm glad to hear it", my Queen said, even though I have a feeling she didn't quite grasp how serious I was at that point, how wonderful and satisfying it had felt. How important and meaningful it had been for me.       

In the morning we lay a long time in bed, and talked about a lot of things, two of which are worth mention, in erotic sense. 

I am not completely sure how we ended up talking about it, but at some point we were discussing about tail butt plugs, and whether I would look good in one, and what color it should be. She seemed to be very interested about the idea, which surprised me a bit. I said I had gotten the idea she's not into that kind of erotic play, or about the idea of putting anything there.

"Oh, I'm not", she said. "As long as it's me in question. But your butt is another thing entirely." Then she smiled and looked at me eyes gleaming, and I felt as is my heart was beginning to melt.

Now I'm going through online adult toy stores and looking for an affordable model. Oh dear.

The other thing I want to mention takes us into the world of crossdressing. Hold on to your seats. 

At this point we were already in the process getting up, and starting to look for our clothes we had tossed by the bed. In the spur of the moment I picked up my Queen's bra and started playing with it, and finally actually starting to put it on, a thing I remembered never doing before.

"You want me to hook them on for you?" my Queen asked and I said yes. I felt them tighten up as she stretched the straps in order to be able to hook the bra. It was clear I had much wider shoulders than she had. When it was on I was amazed, however, how good they felt on me.

My Queen is big, as they say, and the bras she uses are the kind that actually support the breast, not only cover it. In other words, even though the cups of the bra were now hollow on my chest, they created a form that looked like an actual breast.

My Queen seemed to share this sentiment. As I modeled them a bit for my her she said it was amazing how natural they looked. "You almost look like a sporty lesbian girl", she said. "With your short hair and all."

For some reason I was very eager to look myself in the mirror, which is odd, since it had taken me some doing to be able to do it with makeup on. I looked myself in the mirror and got my Queen to giggle as I said, amazed: "Damn, I look hot!" The most curious thing is I was dead serious.

I seemed so enthusiastic about the bra she mentioned she had another pair she had planned to throw away, since they didn't seem to fit her after all. She told me where to get them, and then helped them on to me. 

I modeled in them for her a bit and noticed they didn't fit me as well as the previous pair had either. However, my Queen told me I could have them if I wanted, because she had been serious about throwing them away.

In other words I am now a happy owner of a 85 D cup bra. 

All in all, not a bad surprise visit, wouldn't you say?

20.2.2016

It seems most of my updates start the same way nowadays. It's been a while since my last post again, and even though there hasn't happened much, in some way a lot has happened.

My Queen and I ended up having a quarrel of sorts. It wasn't an actual fight, since we don't seem to do them, merely a silly little thing that got out of proportion. Or as it turned out, certain things that are not well in out relationship manifested themselves in the quarrel.

I ended up being in a sour mood, and to resolve things I wrote a long message to my Queen and explained how I felt about certain things, and how certain situations made me feel. Somehow it seems our age difference manifests itself in odd ways. 

We saw each other the next day and after an awkward and tense beginning my Queen said that it may be that some things that have caused her anxiety and bothered her lurked behind our little quarrel, as well.

The things in question have, not surprisingly, to do with her sexual preference. It seems she keeps having erotic dreams about women, of which she wakes up feeling extremely guilty. She also has fantasies about women, and by having them she feels she is doing great injustice towards me.

It didn't take long for her to start crying uncontrollably in my arms, and using up a tissue after tissue, as I held her and tried to console her. I kept saying her I don't mind her dreams or fantasies, and they are not something she should feel guilty about.

It was quite a strenuous night. We talked the thing through in an adult manner, or at least I think we did. Among other things I did say to her that even though I love her very much I don't want to hurt her by keeping her mine, and causing her anxiety that way.

On the other hand we went over and over how I don't want to lose her, and how she doesn't want to lose me. Like I said, it was very strenuous, and I was extremely tired the next day and the one after that. These are huge things, after all.

I also told her that I am not going to lie to her. I am not crazy about the idea she likes women's bodies more than mine. Still, I am not threatened by her erotic desires. I am, however, understandably so I think, threatened by the idea that she develops crush on someone and leaves me.

We also went over and over the fact that we both seemed to think we're not enough for each other, something the other person would deserve. According to her I'm the perfect boyfriend she doesn't deserve, and I kept saying I can't believe my luck finding a girl like her, and that I constantly fear she will find someone better.   

After much crying and talking I think I finally got through to her that she doesn't have to feel guilty about her fantasies. As long as she's happy with me that is. And it seems the talk indeed had positive effects. At least according to her she has felt better the past few days. And that is all that matters to me.

In fact, as it turned out, I am not only okay with the idea my Queen has fantasies about women. It seems I... well, get turned on by them. It seemed my Queen didn't quite know what to think about this, feeling both amused and puzzled. I on the other hand felt very ashamed by my reaction and had to hide my face in her bosom, saying I didn't have right to feel the way I did.

And before some of you start suggesting threesomes, I want to emphasize that despite our age difference we're both rather inexperienced in sex, and we both feel things like that would be simply too much in this situation.

Even though it wasn't our plan my Queen ended up spending the night at my place. We were both so exhausted. When we were cuddling in the bed, either that night or the next morning, I brought up something my Queen had said previously.

As you may remember, in my last post I told you how I had found out my Queen actually dislikes the idea of me cumming, and how I got turned on about it. There has been occasions after that during which thinking about the fact has made so horny, my balls so alive it has felt I could almost cum in my pants.

At one time we had been together she had taunted me verbally and said, with a joking tone, that who knows, she may not let me orgasm the whole year. I told her now how I had thought about the little conversation a lot afterwards, and how I had gotten turned on about the idea. 

I asked her now had she actually meant it? My Queen chuckled and told that yes, she had said it because she knows how much I liked to hear it. Then she kept a little pause and continued: "Well, it's not my number one fantasy... But yes, I must admit I wouldn't mind if you didn't cum this year at all".

At that moment I nearly fainted with happiness. I hadn't felt that glorious in ages. I held her, kissed her, and said how much I loved her that moment. She seemed puzzled and amused, as usual.

Those of you who follow me on Facebook noticed that very quickly after that I made a cover picture out of what she had said. To her it hadn't been a life-changing moment, but for me, it had been. I wanted to cherish and remember it forever.

On a couple of occasions my Queen has said there has been times she has questioned the way her head works, and whether what she feels is wrong, or something too awful. But then she sees how much I like to hear it, and how happy it makes me.

She's a woman who doesn't like to have intercourse, I'm a man who can't have intercourse. I'm a man who gets off on the idea of being forbid to cum, she is a woman who doesn't like the idea of her boyfriend cumming. Who can say we are not perfect for each other?

Naturally I thanked my Queen by masturbating her to a nice orgasm. I have sometimes discussed my blog posts with my Queen, and on occasions she have said the way I describe her in my posts is a bit curious, merely by mentioning things like that at the end of the post. The reason for it of course is that I have merely tried to protect her privacy.

This time, however there really isn't that much to tell. It was all in all very... efficient. To get her really in the mood I had to use my verbal skills and describe her a scenario I hoped that would do the trick. I'm proud to say it worked, even though I apologized afterwards it was so clichéd. "Sometimes clichéd isn't so bad", she reassured me, as she lay next to me recovering from her orgasm.

I have been extremely happy the past few days, more happy than anyone should have a right to be, I think. And merely because my girlfriend has just said she wants to deny me orgasms this year. Because she wants to keep our calendar neat, and consisting only of chaste days. I'm weird, I know.