Quite
frankly, when I managed to end my cumming spree in the end of February this year, I could
have never, in my wildest dreams believe I could reach hundred days again. I
just wanted to be able to make myself stop cumming, at least for a while.
During the prior three months I had let myself cum over thirty times, and it had started to lose meaning for me. I just wanted to be denied. I wanted my ejaculation to be special again, something they had been when I hadn't cummed for months or years. Something unattainable, unreachable, almost mythical.
I didn't want cumming to be merely a thing I know I would do after a masturbation session. In fact, I hated how boring and predictable my cumming had become. I wanted to change that, even if it meant denying myself orgasms again. I needed to be denied. And I knew the only person who would want to deny me, really want to deny me, was me.
During the prior three months I had let myself cum over thirty times, and it had started to lose meaning for me. I just wanted to be denied. I wanted my ejaculation to be special again, something they had been when I hadn't cummed for months or years. Something unattainable, unreachable, almost mythical.
I didn't want cumming to be merely a thing I know I would do after a masturbation session. In fact, I hated how boring and predictable my cumming had become. I wanted to change that, even if it meant denying myself orgasms again. I needed to be denied. And I knew the only person who would want to deny me, really want to deny me, was me.
And here we are, one hundred days later. During that time I have tried to edge daily. Not only do I love it, I do it also to keep my libido alive. It seems this has been a very successful strategy, since I'm nowadays constantly horny. Sexual things occupy my thoughts most part of the day, and the best thing I know is to be able to sit in front of my computer pulling my limp penis, knowing no matter how horny I get, will not let myself cum.
Like most of the readers of my blog know, my record of being denied is 497 days, so hundred days is nothing new to me. In fact, I have noticed that the longer I am without an orgasm, the harder it gets to end the chastity. The prospect of having to cum becomes something scary, making it easier just to continue.
Like most of the readers of my blog know, my record of being denied is 497 days, so hundred days is nothing new to me. In fact, I have noticed that the longer I am without an orgasm, the harder it gets to end the chastity. The prospect of having to cum becomes something scary, making it easier just to continue.
I
remember one time when I was closing a similar milestone and was talking about it
with a real life female friend of mine on a chat, whether I should cum or not.
"I think you will continue", she said. "I know you. You like
playing it safe, and to continue not to cum is the safest thing to do."
How well she knew me.
When I
slipped in the beginning of last December, ending a 374 day cumless period, it
was a genuine accident. But it led me to stop the "chastity foolishness", as I called it then. After
all, I had been on and off in cum bans since 2013. That's enough chastity for
anyone, right?
However, I soon realized the months and years of being denied had changed me. I noticed I
had difficulties starting to cum regularly again. Not physically, but mentally.
I had become so addicted to the sweet torment of being denied, that cumming
regularly felt unnatural. It felt something I shouldn't be doing. It felt too good, something I had no rights to. And, I felt I still needed a woman's permission to
cum.
As all the
faithful readers of my blog know, I have even come up a word to describe what I
am now: a chastisexual. Someone who gets erotic enjoyment out of being forbidden to
cum. As far as I can see, chastisexuality seems to be very common among submissive men, but there didn't seem
to be a word for it.
Some time
ago I participated in a conversation on a fetish site about long
term psychological effects to a submissive male, and overall redundancy of male orgasm. The
point of the conversation being, if a submissive male gets emotional and
physical torment it needs from not being allowed to cum, making him fall deeper and deeper into
submission, is there really a need to let him cum at all?
My view to the matter is of course the submissive's one. The way I
see it, the longer one is being denied,
the more into submission we fall, and the more not cumming becomes an integral
part of our sexuality. It changes how we see ourselves as sexual beings, as we
realize how much we actually need to be denied. How good and natural it feels
we don't have a right to our own bodies.
The need to
cum is always there, of course, but it's the desperation of not being allowed
to cum is what gives it a meaning. The need to cum is the fuel, but the act of
being denied it the actual engine that runs our libido. The more horny we
become, the more frustrated we become. and the more frustrated we become, the
more horny we become.
And the longer this continues, the more it changes the way we think and see ourselves sexually. As we understand that cumming or orgasming isn't actually necessary for us to be content sexual beings. That being allowed to ejaculate isn't even good for us.
And the longer this continues, the more it changes the way we think and see ourselves sexually. As we understand that cumming or orgasming isn't actually necessary for us to be content sexual beings. That being allowed to ejaculate isn't even good for us.
From a
personal point of view a thinking like that creates a problem of sorts, of
course. More specifically, romantic wise. What if I still wanted a relationship? What if I wanted
to find happiness with a woman, to love and to be loved in return? What are the odds I find someone who would
understand me, and my way of expressing my sexuality?
Not only
the woman in question would have to accept we wouldn't be able to have
penetrative sex due to the fact my penis doesn't get erect in sexual
situations, she would also have to be open-minded enough to take control of my
orgasms, which I would gladly give over to her, of course.
I admit
this is something I do find problematic. There is a need in me to find someone
I could make happy, do nice things to, someone I could please and pleasure
sexually. But at the same time I have found it very difficult to even thinking
about approaching a woman in romantic manner anymore.
In other words, I can't help
but to wonder whether my chastisexuality will doom me into being single
and alone for the rest of my life. I am very comfortable around women, and they are comfortable around
me. I am not bad looking, and I know how to make them laugh.
At the same
time I realize it requires that extra effort, for two people to become
something more than just very good friends, something which in our society is still a
man's responsibility. And when one considers all I have said here, I doubt very
much whether I will be able making that extra effort.
On the
other hand, as long as I have no one in my life there isn't outer pressure to
act certain way, or expectations to live up to. There is no one telling me how
I should be expressing my sexuality. There is no one I have to justify myself to.
In other words there is no one saying what I do is isn't normal. No one saying there is something wrong masturbating as much as I do. No one saying man is meant to cum, or that feeling you're not entitled to have orgasms is twisted.
There's just me, and my limp penis I can pull as much as I want. And my testicles I can keep denied as long as I want.
In other words there is no one saying what I do is isn't normal. No one saying there is something wrong masturbating as much as I do. No one saying man is meant to cum, or that feeling you're not entitled to have orgasms is twisted.
There's just me, and my limp penis I can pull as much as I want. And my testicles I can keep denied as long as I want.
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