31.5.2017

There is a Facebook page I follow that has a habit of posting questions on its wall. I try to answer them whenever I feel I have something to contribute to the matter. A few days ago there was a question: "Does it turn you on if you're being watched while masturbating?" 

Since that is a question I think I could write a book on, I gave a detailed and truthful answer. I knew, as I sat down to write, the answer would be a long one, but it surprised even me how lengthy it ultimately became. I'm posting my answer here, as well. I hope you like it.

Does the idea of being watched while I masturbate turn me on? The answer is yes, immensely so. I have spent hours and hours of looking for erotica with a scenario like that, or CFNM porn, with male protagonist having to masturbate for female audience. Unfortunately there isn't a lot of it around.

As far as reality goes, I have always masturbated a lot and I have been lucky enough to perform it in front of a woman a few times in my life. Unfortunately however, it seems many women find that very distasteful and have said that to me. I suspect that has something to do with gender roles. However, lately I have started to regret I don't have anyone in my life to masturbate in front of, or have had so little chances to do it observed during my life.

Masturbating while being watched is a big turn-on for me. I think it's because masturbating is the most pathetic, sad and disgusting thing a male can do sexually, and having to do it with other person watching is humiliating beyond belief, which is a huge fetish for me.

What adds to the situation in my case is also the fact I have a very small penis, which thanks to medical reasons doesn't get hard even when I masturbate. In other words, if I pulled it while being observed, it would look very funny indeed, and it would be very humiliating for me.

I have had for many years a fantasy of living with a woman, who I would have a special arrangement with. I could masturbate as much I wanted, but only while being observed by her. I would have to ask permission for it, and had to do it so that she would be in the same room and could see me at all times if she wanted.

Naturally I would have to ask permission for an orgasm as I got closer, and she would have all the right in the world to deny it for me. She wouldn't have to give me any reason for denying me, if she didn't feel like it, but it would be a good motivation for me to be the best possible boyfriend I can. "I just don't feel like it" would be a perfectly reasonable answer.

In a ultimate fantasy setting I would have to do it with several women present, and with their permission. I would be naked, of course, while all of them were clothed. There could be men present as well, and I suppose it would be interesting for them to observe me. At least it would be humiliating for me having to wank my limp dick in front of real men.

The women or men wouldn't have to find what I do erotic or arousing. In fact it would be hard for me to imagine anything I could do to be erotic or arousing to anyone. The most I can hope for is it to be at least amusing for the audience.

The people present could watch me, ask me questions and generally be total control of me, but I wouldn't mind if they ignored me completely, had conversations between each other or go on about their normal business as I go about my disgusting one.

I think there's an element of humiliation there, as well, in my masturbation meaning so little to anyone but me. Naturally I would have to have a permission from someone present before I was allowed to ejaculate, of course. It wouldn't be at all certain I would get one, however.

The same applies to the girlfriend arrangement I described earlier, as well. She would by no means to be obliged to actually watch me if she didn't feel like it. She could give me a permission to masturbate, but she could tell me to stand or kneel somewhere she wouldn't have to see me.

If she wasn't into watching her boyfriend beat his tiny thing, she could continue whatever she was doing as I approached her with my request: read, watch tv, work on her computer and so on. Only as I approached an ejaculation I would have a permission to speak and ask permission for it.

Afterwards I'd have to thank her for the permission, as well as for the chance to masturbate, of course.

But, as most of you know, all that is pure fantasy for me, and I have no one in my life to for all the things I just described. Therefore, I think, the fact that I sometimes like to masturbate in front of a full length mirror is my way of trying to substitute for it.

After all, since I don't have no one to humiliate myself in front of, the only thing there is for me to do is to humiliate myself. Watching myself as I masturbate my limp dick, and trying to imagine what someone would think looking at it.

People have often asked me why don't I look for on-line partners then? Truth to tell, I'm too cautious to do that. What would I do if, after five minutes of ecstasy, the girl's pimp appeared on screen and demanded money for not putting on-line the video they just filmed? When it comes to sex industry, webcam business is a way too hazardous place for gullible wankers like me.

And quite frankly, I'm too much of a romantic for not wanting the person in question to be someone I have a connection with. That me being naked and humiliating myself in front of her would mean something. But's it's a small niche, fetish wise, to to watch and be amused by a man pulling his small limp penis. As well as very challenging one to have, if the idea is to approach a woman romantically.

In other words, yes. I do find the idea very arousing, but at the same time it is something I have very little chances of getting to experience. 

16.5.2017

Morning horniness is a curious thing. No amount of erotic stimulation can compete with the erotic arousal you have when you wake up, hard or semi hard. When you're in that sweet semi-conscious state unsure what's true and what's not.

As you all know, I try very hard not to lose my libido even though I'm in cum ban. Therefore I try to masturbate as much as I can during the daytime. I take great pride doing it, since it is, after all what I do best, and the times I pull my limp dick are the ones I truly feel being alive.

I have lately noticed that weather seems to have an effect on my masturbation. At the moment we're having a chilly spring, and it has even snowed several times during this April. Some weeks ago there were warm spring days, and my edging immediately doubled. As soon as the cloudy and chilly weather returned, it diminished drastically.

But like I said, I have done it as much as humanly possible, and it seems I have indeed been succesful keeping my libido alive. Several nights in a row I have had erotic dreams, and I have woken up extremely horny.

I would gladly tell you about my dreams, if I had any idea what takes place in them. My dreams are generally very hazy jumble of things, and unfortunately that applies to the erotic ones as well. As I wake up all I can remember is flash images, without any kind of idea who I had been, and what I had been doing with whom in the dream.

In any case, couple of mornings now I have been turned on enough to hump my cover in my semi-conscious state. I know that doesn't sound much, but they have been the most erotic experiences I've had in ages. Usually at that point I don't have an erection anymore, only this... puffed feeling on my penis. I sleep nude to encourage my morning erection and erotic dreams, so usually there's nothing between my penis and the quilt I am grabbing on.

What took place this morning a mere moments ago, must be the most arousing series of events so far. During the past couple of mornings I haven't dared to hump the quilt very long, since I seem to have this alarm in my head, that makes me stop what I am doing before it starts to feel too good, often way in advance. Preventing myself from cumming, no matter the circumstances, seems to have become a second nature for me.

This morning, however, I took a more decisive approach, and continued humping longer than previously. With due fairness, I have to say my movements, or "thrusts", weren't that big, and I think someone looking at me wouldn't necessarily have even noticed them. To me, however, it felt almost as if I had been fucking something.

First I made a series of fives, then ten, and finally twenty-five. At that point I had to stop because I felt I was getting too close to orgasm. I just stayed there, horny as hell, listened the sound of my heart that was beating like hell, and enjoyed the aching, desperate throbbing in my testicles. They wanted so bad to get all that sperm out. I didn't remember when they had been that alive.

As soon as I dared, I continued and did another twenty-five, then fifty. At that point, having done a full hundred, I had stop for a while. I was so turned on, my aching balls were begging for a release and it all seemed... so wonderfully humiliating.

I considered my options. I started to become more and more awake, and I was able to think more coherently now. I even considered the possibility of letting myself to cum, or at least trying to. To feel the approaching orgasm, and letting it engulf and wash over me. I would actually feel sperm ooze out of my flaccid penis. Most likely there wouldn't be more than a few drops, and by anyone else's standards it would be called a ruined orgasm, but it would feel so, so good for. me.

After all, I had already been...what, over seventy days since my last orgasm. Wouldn't there be time for another one, at some point? And I would be doing it by humping a quilt, with my flaccid penis, for crying out loud. What a humiliating story that would make to tell on my blog. Since I knew I would have to describe this experience there, with every little humiliating detail.

But on the other hand, I knew how much better story it would make, if I could describe all this, and not having to end it by telling how I let myself to cum. To be able to tell you I didn't cum, even though I wanted it desperately. Also, I knew, if I let myself cum it would mean I would have to start counting from zero again, without even having to reach triple digits. Did I really want that? Was I ready for it?

At some point, as I was thinking all of this I had continued humping the quilt in series of twenty-fives and fifties. I even considered how humiliating story it would make if I actually decided I would let myself cum, but ultimately were unable to do so, after all? Somewhere around 300 I lost count, but continued humping the quilt. All in all I think I got somewhere between 500 and 600, before the waking world finally dragged me from my sweet slumber.

As soon as I had gotten up I turned my computer on, sat down still naked and started writing. I wanted to get it all down, when I was still fresh in my memory. Naturally I have been pulling my limp penis the whole time, and I feel drops of sweat rolling down on my naked body. All I can think of what somebody would think if he or she saw me now.

However, even though this is highly enjoyable, and I seem unable to stop, it's not even close to what I experienced earlier...

8.5.2017

This blog update contains very little description of sexual activities or anything very graphic. It does, however, contain a lot of material about how I see male chastity and how it relates to my situation. It is, in fact the longest piece I've written about the practice, ideology and philosophy behind denying yourself orgasms.

This is also the first update on my blog for quite a while. There hasn't been any posts here since January, and some of you may have been wondering why the sudden silence.

I think I never made a conscious decision to put the blog on hold. Due to several reasons there was a pause, and the longer it became, the more difficult it was to start blogging again. You know how it goes. After all, I knew I would have to somehow recap or explain why my once very active blog fell silent all of a sudden.

I guess I could have continued reporting on this blog my sexual life, or rather lack of it, on daily basis. How often I masturbated, what did I put in my rectum and how it felt, or whether I had managed not to cum. But it seemed to me I didn't have anything new to tell you.

I have also been a bit depressed the past few months. Very often in these kind of situations one doesn't notice it at first. This happened to me, as well, and it took a while for me to realize how stuck my life has been for several months now.

The main reason for me feeling blue, I think, has been my loneliness. That too, took a while for me to understand, to admit how lonely I truly am. Being now single there is no one I can share my sexuality with, and if that sexuality has to do with chastity, it can be very lonely indeed.

I have tried to relieve my loneliness, and looked for like minded company on-line. During the past half a year or so I have had several virtual acquaintances I have been able to share my erotic side, but for some reason or the other, none of those relationships have lasted very long.

My boy pussy project, at least when it comes to active anal training and stretching my asshole, has been on hold for a while now. There is one practical reason why that is, namely the lack of new toys. I realized already way back in Christmas I'm in dire need of bigger butt plugs. However, my financial situation hasn't allowed any purchases.

I am happy to say, however, that there's hasn't been setbacks in the project either. I have regularly tested my boy pussy, and made sure I can still fit even my biggest toy there. However, even though there hasn't been setbacks, there hasn't been progress either. And therefore, nothing to report.

What about the chastity part then, you may ask? Let's get some statistics.

As you may or may not remember, I started cumming again in the beginning of last December, after 370 days of denial. It happened again more or less by accident. This time however, I decided to stop chastity altogether. What the heck, I thought. What do I lose if I start cumming again? Three years is enough time to be in cum denial, right?

One could say at that point I took myself a project of teaching my body to cum again, and more importantly, trying to make my brain understand it is quite okay to cum. To ejaculate like a normal man. Well, almost like a normal man.

I ejaculated all in all 11 times during the last month of 2016, a year that had been completely cumless for me at that point. I had planned to make it completely cumless, period, just like 2014 had been. That, however, didn't happen.

I continued my selfish orgasming in 2017, and ejaculated 20 times in January and February. The longest time between ejaculations was 10 days, but there was times I ejaculated on three consecutive days, sometimes even twice a day.

That's 31 times just in three months. So, one could say my cumming was rather "reckless" at that point, at least in the light of my recent past. In comparison, there had been only 8 orgasms in the previous three years. Or, more accurately, in 37 months between November the first 2013 and December the first 2016.

None of these 8 orgasms hadn't even happened by my own choice. Either they were ruined orgasms, very unpleasant edging accidents or done under the supervision and permission by my girlfriend. Sometimes all three at the same time. In other words, in December 2016 I had my first voluntary, totally unsupervised, full orgasm in three years.

So yes, there was a lot of adjusting to do. In my defense I can say that thanks to my virtual acquaintances only a handful of those 31 ejaculations took place without a permission to do it. That's right. No matter how hard I tried, I felt I still needed a permission to cum.

The longer it went on, the more I realized it was hard for me to shake the feeling that as I ejaculated I was doing something I shouldn't do. That cumming on my own and unsupervised was just wrong, immoral and unnatural. I wanted so bad for someone to be in charge of my orgasms.

Still, all through the January and February I lived a life that could almost be called that of a "normal cummer". The orgasms I had felt great, of course. But the fact remained that I still felt, deed inside me, that what I was doing wasn't right. That all that pleasure felt wrong. That whether I cum or not, when, how, where and how often, was something that shouldn't be left for me to decide. Because I wasn't trustworthy enough for that kind of responsibility.

And not only that. I felt my orgasms were losing meaning. I still kept record of them, just as I had done when they were few and far between. This meant writing down up the exact time of each and every ejaculation by the minute, what had I been doing before it, sometimes even the amount of time I had managed to get on the counter.

However, the more frequent my orgasms became, the less meaning they seemed to have. And the less interest I had writing down the details of my ejaculation. Every time someone said there should be less orgasms for me I could hear and feel the siren song of chastity calling out to me. How right it would be to limit my orgasms drastically.

Things led to another, and I am happy to announce I'm back in chastity again. At the moment it's been 69 days since my last ejaculation, and counting. And quite frankly, I couldn't be happier. I understand now how right this is, and how wrong it was for me to start ejaculating again. The one I had on 28th of February, 10:45 AM (EEST) is at the moment the last ejaculation I've had.

I know this is nothing compared to 374 or 497 days, but after a my cum spree I'm extremely glad I have managed to keep my testicles denied this long, once again. In fact, after I had been without an orgasms for a couple of weeks and I realized I wouldn't be cumming for quite a while, I felt this... well, feeling of tranquillity setting in. Like I said, it's just feels right for me not to cum.

Sounds weird? Well, I guess it does. However, I've had to think a lot about my own sexuality in the past couple of months. After all, I had managed to get rid of a sexual practice many people would consider abnormal, twisted and unhealthy. 69 days? That's crazy. Why do I want to start denying myself again like this? Where's the fun in not having any pleasure? Don't I miss orgasming?

My own guess is it may very well be that all the time I have been in chastity in the course of last three years have made me chastisexual for good. Yes, that is a word I have made up, chastisexual: someone who gets sexual enjoyment from being forbidden to cum.

I still do edge regularly, partly to keep my libido alive and testosterone levels high, but also to torment myself. Even though I don't get to experience orgasms, I want to be near one, so close the fight not to cum is a real one. I don't want to forget how easy it would be.

What is interesting is also the fact how much more I like masturbating than actual cumming.
I've always loved masturbating, and I was a regular cummer for the most of my life. A day without an orgasm was a day missed, I used to think.

However, only after I discovered long term denial I realized how good it actually feels to be able to pull your penis without having to "worry" about cumming. It feels completely different when you know you have no intention of letting yourself cum.

It is somewhat ironical, but I'm pretty sure I have masturbated more after I found chastity play, not less.

Because when you're not denying yourself, you masturbate to cum. When you are, you masturbate to masturbate. If you're not denying yourself, ultimately you reach a point when the lure of an orgasm becomes greater than the pleasure you get from masturbating. If you're in chastity, all you have is the act of pulling your penis. There is no set ending point. Therefore, when it comes to how long an edging session can take, only sky is the limit.

For me the thing I seek when I masturbate is the desperation. It's like a flame I want kindle. The longer I am without an orgasm the bigger danger there is for that flame to die out. On the other hand not letting oneself cum is the reason the flame of desperation exists in the first place. Edging is what keeps it alive, and the more I edge, the stronger the flame becomes.

In a way, knowing it is me who keeps my testicles denied of something most people take for granted, feeling the ache within them, and understanding I do it merely for the pleasure of seeing the day count going higher, is exactly the thing that helps me not to cum.

Because I know, that if I did let myself cum, it would feel great for 10 to 15 seconds, after which I would feel empty and hollow and meaningless again. All those weeks and months would have been for nothing, and for what? Those few short moments of ecstasy?

Empty, hollow and meaningless are also the words I have used when I've had to explain the way I live my so-called sexual life for someone not into it. More precisely, I have used it to describe the orgasms I had in those three months. I could still cum whenever I want, several times a day if I liked. But like I say, they wouldn't mean anything.

Every time I start to edge, however, it does. Every pull on my little penis has a meaning. It means I will soon be in great discomfort, and desperate to cum. But I know I won't, and that gives it meaning. One could argument the same could also be said about normal cumming. However, to me it there's much more meaning in torment than there is in pleasure, somehow.

It may seem odd to a person who isn't into this lifestyle, but cumming and being in control of your own orgasms is so... well, troublesome and stressful, as well. There's all these things you have to consider. Especially if you've once experienced the denied life, you cannot help but feel all the responsibility on your shoulders as you masturbate.

Should I cum or not? How many has there been this week already? Is it too much? How should I do it? Should there be toys involved or not? Where should I do it? What should I be thinking or watching when I let myself go over the edge? Should I ruin it or not? At some point you just don't care anymore, and cumming becomes a routine. Sad, predictable routine. And that happened to me earlier this year.

When you're a chastisexual, there's none of that. You can masturbate freely without having to worry about cumming, because you won't. You just won't cum, period. No matter how long you pull your penis, you won't cum. Knowing that gives you such a piece of mind.

Also, by denying yourself orgasms you avoid the post-orgasm blues, as well. There's no feeling of regret, or that you've lost something. You merely continue your life, carrying your horniness and desperation to cum with you, like a dear friend who is always beside you, or on your mind.

The way I feel it, a deliberate orgasm is simply not an option for me anymore. At least if I'm not given permission to, or ordered to cum. I tried the life of a normal cummer, but I understand now that isn't for me anymore. There are people who would most likely disagree with me, but denying myself a normal ejaculation cycle for several years now, has given me so much more than taken away from me.

Still, I have doubts, sometimes. Like I said, I have done a lot of soul searching when it comes to my sexuality in the past few months.

As you all know, I’m impotent. It's something that's a part of me, and a fact I have accepted long ago. The only time my penis gets hard is at mornings, almost as if to remind me it could do it, if it wanted to. So, not only is my penis really small, it really is completely useless when it comes to the fairer sex.

Now, if I was a real man with a normal sexual history I suppose this would have been a nightmare for me. I would have sought medical aid for it long ago, and continued my sex life by having sex with women. But as we all know, I am not.

Instead of feeling ashamed, however, I don’t only refrain from sexual encounters, I actually feel good for being impotent. Not only have I accepted it, I actually take perverse pleasure for my penis and my sex life being this sad and pathetic. Or, more precisely, because I'm this sad and pathetic, I don't deserve a sex life, or even orgasms, that are, after all, for real men, not wimps like me.

Now, I do know there are other ways to please a woman, ways I am pretty good at, in fact. However, my recent relationship history makes it very hard, if not impossible for me to seek out another one. I have been very fortunate in the past, when it comes to my partners being so understanding about my limp dick. But I understand that cannot continue indefinitely. So I jerk off and edge, alone.

What this had led me to think is this. Could this recluse masturbator life of mine be seen, not only sad, but also… well, selfish somehow? I have a tongue and fingers I could please a woman with, but I choose not to, just because I’m such a gutless wimp.

Does that fact, that even though I edge myself sore but don't cum, make the whole situation more “acceptable”, or does it merely make it worse? Is it a good thing I keep myself experiencing something as normal and wonderful as orgasms, does it serve me right not to cum, or is what I do simply idiotic and selfish?

Someone also recently pointed out that these kind of thoughts may very well stem from my need to serve. After all, that is what every submissive wants to do. So, in that respect what I do could be seen as selfish. I don't pleasure anyone with my edging.

One could say that is the one thing I do miss. To have someone I would be allowed to please and give pleasure to. To be allowed to share my denial with someone. To have someone teasing me and enjoying my discomfort.

I do believe, that if a woman into chastity play walked into my life now and gave me a chance of pleasuring her I would have no objection to giving away my right to cum as long as I live.