This is also the first update on my blog for quite a while. There hasn't been any posts here since January, and some of you may have been wondering why the sudden silence.
I think I never made a conscious decision to put the blog on hold. Due to several reasons there was a pause, and the longer it became, the more difficult it was to start blogging again. You know how it goes. After all, I knew I would have to somehow recap or explain why my once very active blog fell silent all of a sudden.
I guess I could have continued reporting on this blog my sexual life, or rather lack of it, on daily basis. How often I masturbated, what did I put in my rectum and how it felt, or whether I had managed not to cum. But it seemed to me I didn't have anything new to tell you.
I have also been a bit depressed the past few months. Very often in these kind of situations one doesn't notice it at first. This happened to me, as well, and it took a while for me to realize how stuck my life has been for several months now.
The main reason for me feeling blue, I think, has been my loneliness. That too, took a while for me to understand, to admit how lonely I truly am. Being now single there is no one I can share my sexuality with, and if that sexuality has to do with chastity, it can be very lonely indeed.
I have tried to relieve my loneliness, and looked for like minded company on-line. During the past half a year or so I have had several virtual acquaintances I have been able to share my erotic side, but for some reason or the other, none of those relationships have lasted very long.
My boy pussy project, at least when it comes to active anal training and stretching my asshole, has been on hold for a while now. There is one practical reason why that is, namely the lack of new toys. I realized already way back in Christmas I'm in dire need of bigger butt plugs. However, my financial situation hasn't allowed any purchases.
I am happy to say, however, that there's hasn't been setbacks in the project either. I have regularly tested my boy pussy, and made sure I can still fit even my biggest toy there. However, even though there hasn't been setbacks, there hasn't been progress either. And therefore, nothing to report.
What about the chastity part then, you may ask? Let's get some statistics.
As you may or may not remember, I started cumming again in the beginning of last December, after 370 days of denial. It happened again more or less by accident. This time however, I decided to stop chastity altogether. What the heck, I thought. What do I lose if I start cumming again? Three years is enough time to be in cum denial, right?
One could say at that point I took myself a project of teaching my body to cum again, and more importantly, trying to make my brain understand it is quite okay to cum. To ejaculate like a normal man. Well, almost like a normal man.
I ejaculated all in all 11 times during the last month of 2016, a year that had been completely cumless for me at that point. I had planned to make it completely cumless, period, just like 2014 had been. That, however, didn't happen.
I continued my selfish orgasming in 2017, and ejaculated 20 times in January and February. The longest time between ejaculations was 10 days, but there was times I ejaculated on three consecutive days, sometimes even twice a day.
That's 31 times just in three months. So, one could say my cumming was rather "reckless" at that point, at least in the light of my recent past. In comparison, there had been only 8 orgasms in the previous three years. Or, more accurately, in 37 months between November the first 2013 and December the first 2016.
None of these 8 orgasms hadn't even happened by my own choice. Either they were ruined orgasms, very unpleasant edging accidents or done under the supervision and permission by my girlfriend. Sometimes all three at the same time. In other words, in December 2016 I had my first voluntary, totally unsupervised, full orgasm in three years.
So yes, there was a lot of adjusting to do. In my defense I can say that thanks to my virtual acquaintances only a handful of those 31 ejaculations took place without a permission to do it. That's right. No matter how hard I tried, I felt I still needed a permission to cum.
The longer it went on, the more I realized it was hard for me to shake the feeling that as I ejaculated I was doing something I shouldn't do. That cumming on my own and unsupervised was just wrong, immoral and unnatural. I wanted so bad for someone to be in charge of my orgasms.
Still, all through the January and February I lived a life that could almost be called that of a "normal cummer". The orgasms I had felt great, of course. But the fact remained that I still felt, deed inside me, that what I was doing wasn't right. That all that pleasure felt wrong. That whether I cum or not, when, how, where and how often, was something that shouldn't be left for me to decide. Because I wasn't trustworthy enough for that kind of responsibility.
And not only that. I felt my orgasms were losing meaning. I still kept record of them, just as I had done when they were few and far between. This meant writing down up the exact time of each and every ejaculation by the minute, what had I been doing before it, sometimes even the amount of time I had managed to get on the counter.
However, the more frequent my orgasms became, the less meaning they seemed to have. And the less interest I had writing down the details of my ejaculation. Every time someone said there should be less orgasms for me I could hear and feel the siren song of chastity calling out to me. How right it would be to limit my orgasms drastically.
Things led to another, and I am happy to announce I'm back in chastity again. At the moment it's been 69 days since my last ejaculation, and counting. And quite frankly, I couldn't be happier. I understand now how right this is, and how wrong it was for me to start ejaculating again. The one I had on 28th of February, 10:45 AM (EEST) is at the moment the last ejaculation I've had.
I know this is nothing compared to 374 or 497 days, but after a my cum spree I'm extremely glad I have managed to keep my testicles denied this long, once again. In fact, after I had been without an orgasms for a couple of weeks and I realized I wouldn't be cumming for quite a while, I felt this... well, feeling of tranquillity setting in. Like I said, it's just feels right for me not to cum.
Sounds weird? Well, I guess it does. However, I've had to think a lot about my own sexuality in the past couple of months. After all, I had managed to get rid of a sexual practice many people would consider abnormal, twisted and unhealthy. 69 days? That's crazy. Why do I want to start denying myself again like this? Where's the fun in not having any pleasure? Don't I miss orgasming?
My own guess is it may very well be that all the time I have been in chastity in the course of last three years have made me chastisexual for good. Yes, that is a word I have made up, chastisexual: someone who gets sexual enjoyment from being forbidden to cum.
I still do edge regularly, partly to keep my libido alive and testosterone levels high, but also to torment myself. Even though I don't get to experience orgasms, I want to be near one, so close the fight not to cum is a real one. I don't want to forget how easy it would be.
What is interesting is also the fact how much more I like masturbating than actual cumming.
I've always loved masturbating, and I was a regular cummer for the most of my life. A day without an orgasm was a day missed, I used to think.
However, only after I discovered long term denial I realized how good it actually feels to be able to pull your penis without having to "worry" about cumming. It feels completely different when you know you have no intention of letting yourself cum.
It is somewhat ironical, but I'm pretty sure I have masturbated more after I found chastity play, not less.
Because when you're not denying yourself, you masturbate to cum. When you are, you masturbate to masturbate. If you're not denying yourself, ultimately you reach a point when the lure of an orgasm becomes greater than the pleasure you get from masturbating. If you're in chastity, all you have is the act of pulling your penis. There is no set ending point. Therefore, when it comes to how long an edging session can take, only sky is the limit.
For me the thing I seek when I masturbate is the desperation. It's like a flame I want kindle. The longer I am without an orgasm the bigger danger there is for that flame to die out. On the other hand not letting oneself cum is the reason the flame of desperation exists in the first place. Edging is what keeps it alive, and the more I edge, the stronger the flame becomes.
In a way, knowing it is me who keeps my testicles denied of something most people take for granted, feeling the ache within them, and understanding I do it merely for the pleasure of seeing the day count going higher, is exactly the thing that helps me not to cum.
Because I know, that if I did let myself cum, it would feel great for 10 to 15 seconds, after which I would feel empty and hollow and meaningless again. All those weeks and months would have been for nothing, and for what? Those few short moments of ecstasy?
Empty, hollow and meaningless are also the words I have used when I've had to explain the way I live my so-called sexual life for someone not into it. More precisely, I have used it to describe the orgasms I had in those three months. I could still cum whenever I want, several times a day if I liked. But like I say, they wouldn't mean anything.
Every time I start to edge, however, it does. Every pull on my little penis has a meaning. It means I will soon be in great discomfort, and desperate to cum. But I know I won't, and that gives it meaning. One could argument the same could also be said about normal cumming. However, to me it there's much more meaning in torment than there is in pleasure, somehow.
It may seem odd to a person who isn't into this lifestyle, but cumming and being in control of your own orgasms is so... well, troublesome and stressful, as well. There's all these things you have to consider. Especially if you've once experienced the denied life, you cannot help but feel all the responsibility on your shoulders as you masturbate.
Should I cum or not? How many has there been this week already? Is it too much? How should I do it? Should there be toys involved or not? Where should I do it? What should I be thinking or watching when I let myself go over the edge? Should I ruin it or not? At some point you just don't care anymore, and cumming becomes a routine. Sad, predictable routine. And that happened to me earlier this year.
When you're a chastisexual, there's none of that. You can masturbate freely without having to worry about cumming, because you won't. You just won't cum, period. No matter how long you pull your penis, you won't cum. Knowing that gives you such a piece of mind.
Also, by denying yourself orgasms you avoid the post-orgasm blues, as well. There's no feeling of regret, or that you've lost something. You merely continue your life, carrying your horniness and desperation to cum with you, like a dear friend who is always beside you, or on your mind.
The way I feel it, a deliberate orgasm is simply not an option for me anymore. At least if I'm not given permission to, or ordered to cum. I tried the life of a normal cummer, but I understand now that isn't for me anymore. There are people who would most likely disagree with me, but denying myself a normal ejaculation cycle for several years now, has given me so much more than taken away from me.
Still, I have doubts, sometimes. Like I said, I have done a lot of soul searching when it comes to my sexuality in the past few months.
As you all know, I’m impotent. It's something that's a part of me, and a fact I have accepted long ago. The only time my penis gets hard is at mornings, almost as if to remind me it could do it, if it wanted to. So, not only is my penis really small, it really is completely useless when it comes to the fairer sex.
Now, if I was a real man with a normal sexual history I suppose this would have been a nightmare for me. I would have sought medical aid for it long ago, and continued my sex life by having sex with women. But as we all know, I am not.
Instead of feeling ashamed, however, I don’t only refrain from sexual encounters, I actually feel good for being impotent. Not only have I accepted it, I actually take perverse pleasure for my penis and my sex life being this sad and pathetic. Or, more precisely, because I'm this sad and pathetic, I don't deserve a sex life, or even orgasms, that are, after all, for real men, not wimps like me.
Now, I do know there are other ways to please a woman, ways I am pretty good at, in fact. However, my recent relationship history makes it very hard, if not impossible for me to seek out another one. I have been very fortunate in the past, when it comes to my partners being so understanding about my limp dick. But I understand that cannot continue indefinitely. So I jerk off and edge, alone.
What this had led me to think is this. Could this recluse masturbator life of mine be seen, not only sad, but also… well, selfish somehow? I have a tongue and fingers I could please a woman with, but I choose not to, just because I’m such a gutless wimp.
Does that fact, that even though I edge myself sore but don't cum, make the whole situation more “acceptable”, or does it merely make it worse? Is it a good thing I keep myself experiencing something as normal and wonderful as orgasms, does it serve me right not to cum, or is what I do simply idiotic and selfish?
Someone also recently pointed out that these kind of thoughts may very well stem from my need to serve. After all, that is what every submissive wants to do. So, in that respect what I do could be seen as selfish. I don't pleasure anyone with my edging.
One could say that is the one thing I do miss. To have someone I would be allowed to please and give pleasure to. To be allowed to share my denial with someone. To have someone teasing me and enjoying my discomfort.
I do believe, that if a woman into chastity play walked into my life now and gave me a chance of pleasuring her I would have no objection to giving away my right to cum as long as I live.
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