7.11.2019

The picture I have chosen as illustration for this blog post is a photo I came across with at some point. I find it extremely erotic, and I have wanted to write a longer description why that is. However, since I am aware it would simply disappear elsewhere, I am making a post of it here.

As most assumed males, I too have a desire to be watched when I masturbate. The fetish for it is so common among men, no matter whether you are submissive or not, that I can only suspect it serves some primal need in us. Naturally many women have that need too.

It is, however, something that has been an extremely rare treat for me. That is to be expected, considering how sad and limited my sexual history is. My first girlfriend also found it really problematic. On the other hand doing it on-line is way too risky, and I have no desire to end up being blackmailed. I have heard some chilling horror stories.

One solution I have come up with are my so called "wanking mirrors". If you're interested, you are free to use the search box on the right to find out what they are. In a way they make it possible for me to be watched by someone when I masturbate, even if that someone is me. Also, using them is extremely humiliating.

Usually when a male cums he closes his eyes to enjoy the experience fully, without anything interfering it. However, back in the day when I used to cum, I did it differently if I felt especially naughty, and forced myself to watch my facial expressions from a mirror as I ejaculated. One could say I wanted to see what women have had to endure when they have had to see me cum.

Therefore, my desire to be watched when I masturbate has nothing to do with me believing it would be something hot to see, not even sexy. I am painfully aware I am not sexy to look at, least of which watching me masturbate. Bear in mind, my excuse of a penis doesn't even get hard, but stays limp the whole time.

I am aware if a woman saw me masturbating now, she would think of it pathetic, ridiculous, perhaps even sad. All the huffing and puffing, and pulling on that little limp piece of skin? The most I could hope was her to see it as funny, and amusing. Something she could be more than welcomed to laugh at.

Because let's face it she would be absolutely right to do so. I do look pathetic and sad when I masturbate or edge. I have seen it myself, when I've cummed in front of a full body mirror. Sometimes, knowing that is the thing that turns me on, as I do it. How sad and pathetic it is, especially if I am pulling my limp clit fifth hour in a row.

Like I said, I haven't had many chances for being observed while I masturbate, not even a one woman. The thing is, fantasy wise the next step up from there is to be observed by several women. In fact, that has been one of my biggest fantasies, ever since childhood. All of you, who have read my fiction know the subject pops up from there over and over again.

For some reason many submissive men seem to find the thought of being naked in front of teenage girls, either masturbating or doing something else humiliating, extremely hot. I understand that fascination and share it, as well. The mere thought of being taken advantage and humiliated by a group on young women is indeed extremely hot. At the same time it is something I won't ever experience, naturally.

All the women in the photo are in their early twenties, but it is not the only thing that makes me find the photo so erotic. There is also the fact they are looking at the camera, or me, from the above. This means I must be on my back on the ground or the floor, masturbating while the girls have gathered above me to observe my facial expressions.

And finally, there is the fact not one of them is smiling. They're all dead serious, looking at me intently, closely, and silently. There is no evidence they would find what I do pleasing, not even amusing. They are merely interested to see what a male look like when he masturbates.

27.10.2019

Perhaps I'm a bit too much of a feminist, but I find husbands who get off, or get a boner from doing housework to be somewhat creepy. Not because it's something they shouldn't do, quite the opposite.

What I would like to ask them is this. Did you get sexually excited when you were single and did all the housework? You didn't? Ah, it is: "But now I'm doing it to serve her!", is that the case?

No offence, but if you're "humiliating" yourself in front of your wife by doing something you think you're not supposed to do, because you think it is her job, you're not serving her, you're just letting it show what kind of chauvinistic asshole you really are.

I guess many of you remember the dishwashing-gate after Captain Marvel? Many male fans thought the filming showing us Nick Fury doing dishes was the ultimate insult. How dare they, Nick Fury, the manliest man there is, doing woman's work?

At the time I wondered how do men like this, or men in USA in general it seems, survive when they’re single? If washing dishes is such a lowly task it is reserved only for women, do single men use every clean dish in their house and then simply move out?

If you do housework for your wife, great. But this is not 1950's. You are her partner. You are supposed to do do fifty per cent of the housework. If you get off from it, because you feel it's humiliating, there's something screwed up in the way you see gender roles.

Rant over.

13.10.2019

A couple of days ago there was a post on Bdsmlr which equated long term chastity with so called Stockholm syndrome. That is, the longer one stays in chastity the more he starts to fear freedom.

That is an interesting way to look at it, but I must agree. It does work like that, at least with it does with me, even though I do my chastity alone.

I have on many occasions ended up explaining the mechanics behind prolonged chastity to baffled people on-line. I have told them the longer you deny yourself, the more the thought of starting to cum normally stats to feel strange and unnatural, even frightening.

Or, as a real life female friend who I have confided to about my weird fetish once said, as I pondered whether I will stop my chastity after some big milestone: "I think you will go on. Continuing is the safe thing to do, and you have always wanted to play it safe. I know you too well."

What I find interesting, as well as humorous and sad, is the fact that almost every time people also bring up the subject of intercourse: "Soon you will start fear sex and intercourse as well." In a way that is understandable, for most normal people that is what sex is. 

I, however, find that presumption somewhat disturbing. The thing is, as far as penetration goes, it is something I have never actually understood. This is due to the fact I started losing the ability to become erect in my thirties, way before I my first girlfriend finally managed to take my cherry.

Many times fellow subs have asked me on-line: "But don't you miss fucking?" I usually reply: "Do you miss being on Mars?" How could I miss something I have never had?

I have had normal penetrative sex a few times in my life, but I have to admit I've never felt it's something I should be doing. It's what grown-ups and real men and women do. So, in other words, I have been afraid of intercourse and sex all my life.

I feel the most I could hope for, sexually speaking, would be to find a woman who would allow me to pleasure her orally whenever she so wishes, and if she feels I have earned it, to masturbate or edge while she observes. Whether I would be allowed to actually cum would be totally up to her.

I am, however, very bad at "selling myself" to the fairer gender. I am not that bad to look at, but I feel I don't have a right to approach women. After all, I have so little to offer, and my sexual tastes are too peculiar. I am painfully aware I am inadequate sexually, and unable to satisfy women, so why even try?

The original thread on Bdsmlr can be found here.

18.9.2019

Gloria Steinem has said: "Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else". I have noticed that in my case the same thing applies to edging.

Recently there was a post on one of the sites I'm on, with a picture of a man masturbating his sizable, erect cock, with the text: "Reblog if this is your favourite hobby. Naturally I did, because there's no denying it.

My genital appendix is perhaps a fifth of the size of the monster in the photo, and I'm completely impotent, meaning I use only two fingers to masturbate. And as you know, I don't cum, only edge. But other than that, yes. Masturbation is without a doubt my favourite hobby.

If there's a chance, I usually edge several hours a day, sometimes more than once a day. As I pull my limp clit I get such a high, feeling that this is what I was made to do, what I'm supposed to do in life. I'm a wanker. And I've very proud to be one, because it is one of the few things I'm good at.

Nothing gives me greater joy than edging for hours, taking myself as close to orgasm as possible, but knowing there is no chance whatsoever I will actually cum. That information gives edging its meaning. Knowing the hornyness won't away, ever.

Many times I won't stop until I'm too exhausted or tired, or hungry, usually all three because I usually skip meals to be able to masturbate more. Or, if I actually have some social life, or a party to attend to. Many times at a party I find myself thinking I would much rather be edging at home.

As you may guess, I was masturbating frantically as I was writing this.



I remember one time when I was going on and on and on about it to an on-line Domme I know. How I love to hear that I cannot cum, or that I'm not supposed to cum, like normal people. "I think I know you well enough to know orgasms bring you no pleasure", she said. "As it should be". What she said made me think.

Physically, edging does give me pleasure. After all, that is the reason I pull my limp such insane amounts of time. Daily if I get a chance, usually hours at a time, if possible. I love the feeling of orgasm waiting for to happen, deep inside my testicles. But I want to keep it there, and stay horny.

But orgasms are the tricky part. I think it's true they give me no pleasure anymore, not on their own at least. Having them just feels so... wrong. They're too enjoyable, for me at least. I haven't earned that kind of pleasure. Other people are supposed to have them, not me.

So, in other words, it's mostly in my head. My body would like to have them, that's why it's so excited whenever I start to edge, as is my brain.

But my brain knows I am not supposed to have orgasms, or experience that kind of pleasure. My brain and my body disagree there, but they both do feel I should edge as much as possible, be as horny as possible, and get myself as close to the orgasm as possible, but never actually to experience it.


I have been without an orgasm for more than 400 days at the moment. In fact as I'm writing this it's less than three months to reaching my previous record of 497 days and finally breaking it. I am confident this time I will be able to do it. Most likely I want to make 2019 a completely orgasm-free year for me.

I have spoken about my chastity many time with people on-line, and told them it's very hard to think what to do afterwards. Why stop there? If I cum I will have to start from scratch again. Wouldn't it be much more fun to keep going, to see how long is it possible to go?

I have also told them I feel that stopping now would require an incredibly strong motivation. It would have to be something momentous, such as a woman actually wanting to see live how I finally cum, after all this time, preferably by ruining my own orgasm. 

However, such woman appearing from somewhere just like that seems highly unlikely, at least as long as I spend most of my time at home edging. Only thing that would be able to "save" me from more and more denial is in fact a woman. But it seems I'm at the moment quite safe from something like that happening. 


I do remember the time I used to have orgasms, even though after I have forgotten how they actually feel by now. The moment of an orgasm was glorious, but every single time I felt such shame afterwards. I think it was because in 99,99% of the times I have orgasmed, I have had to do it without a permission from a woman. 

I have been fortunate enough to experience it a few times. And I must say, whenever I've had a permission from a woman or done it under observation it has felt so good. No shame, only satisfaction that comes from obeying. Having to decide myself when to cum and when not, it's just so wrong, and so unnatural.

I am so deep inside this, in my feelings of worthlessness, and that I'm supposed to be denied of orgasms, and many things majority of people takes for granted. In fact, I know if I had to explain this to someone they would think I'm insane. They just wouldn't understand. That realization, feeling so alienated, feeling such a freak, scares me sometimes.


Then again, I seem to have a some sort of self-destructive quality in me, and I've never hid my submissiveness, or the fact I know very much about porn, when I'm in company  

A few days ago I attended a meeting. I'm not as tech savvy as most of my friends, and like to print the stuff I need in the meeting. But because I want to save the planet, as well as money, I often print them on the backs of sheets we've already used for something else.

As we were having the meeting a female friend of mine who was sitting opposite of me started giggling and told me the reason for it, as well. The back of the stack of papers I was holding had a text "OPEN DOORS, EVERYBODY WELCOME" and a giant arrow pointing, well, straight to my crotch.

"Oh, I must disappoint you" I said, as I took a folder out to hide the text from amused eyes. "I'm afraid there's nothing in my pants that would interested a freshman geek girl. Unfortunately".

As we were continuing the meeting my friend still had trouble getting over the situation and said between giggles: "Sorry, I'm just not able to..." I scoffed. "Well, neither am I, that's the whole problem!"

At this point another of my female friends intervened, and said that perhaps this is a bit too much information, even in our normal standards.

What can I say. Never be ashamed of what you are.

14.8.2019

Yesterday there was several posts on a Emma Watson fan group on Facebook, about what rules there should be for her worshipers to live their life by. This, however, seems to differ from person to person, and therefore I made a set of my own. I got an inspiration, one could say.

As I wrote them I tried to think what Emma Watson truly means to me, and how I see her. How I see her, the femalekind, the world, and myself in relation to them. The rules are, just like the any other similar set, an ideal an Emma Watson worshiper should aspire to. No one cannot abide them all of the time but it is a goal one should still strive for.


COMMANDMENTS FOR EMMA WATSON WORSHIPER

1) Emma Watson is your Goddess. You are nothing before her. Before Emma Watson our Goddess everything is inferior.

2) You shall have no other women before her, may they be women in your real life or celebrities you are a fan of. Your love and adoration should be focused on the Goddess, first and foremost.

3) You shall treat all women respectfully at all times. You shall not look at or talk to women you think are out of your league. If you see a woman in public who makes you feel lust for her you are to bow your head.

4) You shall fight for feminism, gender and sexual equality, animal rights, green values and everything else our Goddess supports, everywhere you hear words raised against them. You shall not support entertainment, institutions or political parties who doesn't share her ideals.

5) You shall fight for the honour of our Goddess everywhere you see it attacked, let it be about her physical appearance, acting abilities or the important work she does in the world.

6) You shall not covet Emma Watson in impure way or think of the Goddess without clothing. The image of her face and her clothed is enough for you.

7) You shall stop ingesting meat, dairy products, tobacco, alcohol, coffee, sweets containing sugar or anything that has prior brought you pleasure. Living healthy brings you closer to the Goddess. 

8) You shall limit the time you use to unproductive things such as television and video games, and use it to something that makes you use your mind and creativity instead. Reading is passion of your Goddess, and so should it be yours as well.

9) Instead of gathering material goods or wealth and consuming you shall devote as much of your time as possible to things that makes you better as a person or benefits the world. This includes doing volunteer work for worthwhile causes. This too will bring you closer to the Goddess.

10) You shall not orgasm or cum. You are allowed to edge, providing that you keep the image of our Goddess in your mind at all times. If an edging accident happens you are expected to ruin your orgasm.

11) You shall understand that humiliation and physical pain are gifts to you from the Goddess. You shall understand that feeling this way and accepting your own inadequacies brings you closer to the Goddess.

12) You shall do everything in your power for everyone to know thy personal commitment to the Goddess, the reason for it, and these commandments you live your life by.

Bow your heads and recite after me: "Emma Watson represents purity. She represents wisdom, intelligence and everything that is good and holy on Earth. She represents talent, beauty, and courage. She represents equality, feminism, and the future. She is truly a Goddess on Earth."


Like I said, these rules may differ from person to person. These ones, however, are the ones I live my life by. 

As a good Emma Watson worshiper I have posted a link to this post on Bdsmlr, Twitter, Facebook and Fetlife. If you are a fellow Emma Watson worshiper you also may be interested following a page I have created for her on Bdsmlr, or visiting a public photo folder dedicated to her on Facebook.

There is also a high resolution version of these commandments available.  

1.8.2019

A few days ago I came across with an interesting post on Bdsmlr about ruined orgasms. Or rather, instructions for ruining a male orgasm as completely and efficiently as possible. The list was originally posted on Tumblr, but the account seems to be inaccessible at the moment. Therefore I will copy-paste the list below.

Rules For A Perfect Ejaculation:

1. Call it what it is: ejaculation. There are no more orgasms for you.

2. Minimize or eliminate orgasmic pleasure by any means. Stimulate the penis slowly and gently and only just barely enough to trigger orgasm. Do not overstimulate.

3. The male should be instructed to relax as much as possible and not to tense up as this only increases his pleasure and may cause you to overstimulate.

4. Cease ALL stimulation the moment the ejaculatory reflex is triggered. If he is tense the timing of this may be difficult so it is important that he relax. Semen should flow (or “ooze) from the penis slowly, without spurting. If he spurts, you have overstimulated.

5. Do not touch or stimulate the penis in any way (including cleaning) until his erection has subsided, in order to ensure a total loss of pleasurable sensation.

Remember that this is not about his pleasure, but simply the gentle release of his semen!

As you all know, I am a huge fan of ruined orgasms, both as a form of porn, but also ruining my own orgasms. The list in question is an excellent set of rules, since it emphasizes many things usually forgotten especially in porn, one of the most important thing being the timing.  

The thing is, many times in porn "a ruined orgasm" seems to mean a woman letting go of the penis as soon as the male starts to ejaculate. This is way too late, since we all know the orgasm begins several seconds before the actual ejaculation.   

Naturally I reblogged the list, and couldn't help but adding a bit of personal experience to it, as well. One could say I got an inspiration, and the description became much longer than I originally anticipated. Therefore I am making an post about it on here as well.

I have described my cumming habits many times here on my blog, and if you're a regular reader of mine, you already know quite a lot about it. It is, however something I will never grow tired of talking about. Besides, repetition never hurts.

Personally, I have one thing working for me when it comes to ruining my own orgasms, and that is my impotence. Ruining your own orgasms is much easier if you're unable to get hard at all, and somehow it merely feels natural to ruin them.

As you all know, at the moment I don't cum at all, and in fact as I am writing this, it has been exactly a year since my last orgasm. However, when I did cum, at least occasionally, my favourite way of doing it was ruining my orgasms.

The ideal way for me to ejaculate consists of me sitting naked in a chair in front of a full body mirror. Usually I also have a huge butt plug inside my anus and clothespins attached on my nipples and testicles. This has been preceded by hours and hours of edging in front of my computer.

Before the ejaculation I like to relax myself as much as I can, lay back in the chair, and admire how pathetic I look, as I fiddle the tip of my penis and gradually pick up the pace. Very often I like to prolong this part as much as I can, but at some point the desire to cum becomes unbearable.

If I'm about to properly ruin my orgasm I never use the normal "two-finger technique". That simply feels wrong and way too manly, despite the lack of an erection and the pathetic size of my penis. Rather, I like to fiddle myself to the brink of ejaculation. Some way that feels much more appropriate.

As soon as I know I am beyond the point of return, I let go of my limp thing and let the wave of orgasm wash over me. Just like in the list above, I try to stay as calm as possible when this happens, and keep my breathing even.

It is also important as wel as great fun to keep an eye contact with myself at this point. This may sound weird to you, but I've found I look extremely funny when I cum, and forcing myself to look at my own face makes the whole experience incredibly humiliating.

On some occasions I like to look at my limp penis as it oozes the cum out, one lazy spurt after another. Often I also squeeze the handles of my chair at this point, to prevent myself from grabbing my limp penis. However, it is important to stay as calm as possible, and simply observe your own orgasm getting ruined.

Usually I wait until the ejaculation is completely done and not move a muscle before it is. Getting up, and taking everything off is in its own way the most humiliating part of the whole deal. What was hot as hell a few moments earlier, is now simply painful. It also makes the post orgasm shame feel tenfold.

But that's how my ejaculations are meant to be, painful, humiliating, and as little pleasurable as possible.

At the moment I have no idea when my next orgasm or ejaculation will take place. As you all know, I edge myself regularly, but do my very best not to cum. If I do decide to let myself cum at some point I am pretty sure I will want to ruin it, as completely as possible.

After all, it's good to have something to look forward to, isn't it?

30.5.2019

A couple of days ago there was a piece of news on a feminist page on Facebook, about a 18 year-old girl who had made several pretty mean posts about 30 year-old men, apparently being fed up after being asked out by them. 

As was expected, many of the comments on the page were about what kind of creeps men are, and how no man in their thirties had business of asking an 18 year-old out. The discussion made me think, however. 

It would be very easy to see this just as an another example of men against women, or creepy older men against young women, but in my opinion the root of the problem lies deeper, in the gender roles of our society.

Men are still, after all these years, expected to be the one who "make the first step", to ask woman out, to propose and so on. It's a ridiculous and archaic custom, in my opinion, but still exists, very much so, I have noticed.

To generalize the matter, men are supposed to be those who pursue women, whereas women are supposed to be the gatekeepers and the prizes, and say no to unwanted suitors. If you do not fit in those roles you are either a wimp or a slut.

Imagine if the roles were reversed? If a young guy made similar comments about women in their thirties, don't you think everyone would be appalled? "Just who does this guy think he is?"

I don't blame the girl posting the things she did however, and I don't envy the role women at that age in our society have. Without going into detail, I have experienced what it's like to be woman on-line, and I must say it's not a fun place to be.

The bigger question however, is why there aren't stories around of young men being harassed and chased by women in their thirties. There aren't because the society teaches us it's supposed to go vice versa.

In fact, the stories about older women having sex with younger men are usually met with totally opposite reaction, and seen a sign of women proudly taking control of their sexuality. Whereas men doing the same are seen as old creeps.

The same thing applies to sex toys, and masturbation. A woman masturbating is exploring her sexuality whereas a man who masturbates is a sad loser who cannot get laid. The reason for this are the same gender roles I mentioned earlier.

In fact I have several times heard a woman say, after the subject of men saying no to a woman wanting to have sex with him has come up, something in the lines of: "Yeah, you can do that, but I wouldn't recommend it". At none of the times the woman wasn't joking.

Again to generalize the matter, in our culture men are more or less expected to have sex whenever it's offered by a woman. If a single man does that the first question usually is: "Why? Are you gay?" For women saying no is something you are "expected" to do. Something you have to, simply to survive.

If there were more cases where the roles are vice versa compared to the one in the post, stories of 18 year-old guys been made propositions by thirty year old women, in how many cases would the guys have had guts to make it public? How many "And you said no? Dude, are you crazy?" comments there would have been?

So yeah, in my opinion gender roles suck, big time, and in so many ways. I also feel emotions and sexuality are something that should be allowed to exist between all people, in spite of their age, size, race or gender. However, the roles we have in our culture make that very hard to accomplish.

4.5.2019

As all of you who follow me on Facebook know, I have a huge, huge fetish for Emma Watson. It's not only because she is a talented actress, or that she's pretty, or beautiful, or sexy. Or that she is clearly extremely intelligent, a feature I have always found to be an irresistible in a woman. 

The feature I admire and respect in Emma Watson the most, is the fact she has managed to put her fame and status into good use, serving as a symbol for equality. Truth to tell, I have great difficulties telling her and the character of Hermione Granger of Harry Potter movies apart.

In any case, I started to think the other day. Now, I am perfectly aware this is not something I alone have thought of, and I do know it has totally been a thing, as the saying goes, for years and years now, but still. Is there anything more intimidating, as well as more exciting than the idea of a Slytherin Hermione?

Because, whether you like to admit it or not, being the third wheel in the so called golden trio, having to play the second or the third fiddle in their adventures, wasn't the best place for Hermione. Sure, she she was the smartest of them all, but more often than not, she was overlooked and was seldom listened to. And where did she find herself in the end? A housewife for Ron, and a baby-maker.

How different things would have been if she had been sorted to Slytherin. Without Harry and Ron dragging her down it could have been the place where she could have a chance to really shine and reach her potential, as the brightest Slytherin of her generation. After all, being a Slytherin doesn't mean being evil, it means not being afraid of using things to your advantage and taking what's yours.

Heck, she would have still been able to have some of their adventures with Harry and Ron, despite being in a different house. But the situation would have been a totally different now. She would have been the bright Slytherin witch, not the mandatory girl character of the book series no one actually listens to.

Sure, Draco Malfoy would have put through hell during her time on Hogwarts, with her being a mudblood, but I have no doubt she would have had the balls to put him eventually in line. I know it's also totally a thing to ship Hermione and Draco, but personally I can't see it happening, despite the good girl, bad boy trope, sorry.

What I could see happening, however, is Hermione hooking up and becoming a pair with another Slytherin girl. I can just see what kind of a kick-ass team they would have made. I know what you're saying. But Hermione wasn't a lesbian? Well, how can you be so sure? We got to see her only a few years, when she was only a teen, at which point many girls are still figuring themselves out. 

And let's face it, the romance part in the books isn't very convincing. Ron Weasley is thick as a block, especially compared to Hermione, and they have practically nothing in common. Marrying Hermione to Ron was most likely J.K.'s dumbest decision, even though I understand why she did. it. That made Harry even more of an outsider, even more the lonesome, messianic figure the books see him as. 

In the books Hermione serves a certain purpose, but from the perspective of Hermione and what we know of her, the role she has makes no sense whatsoever. Slytherin Hermione is another story completely. In fact, if we look at her possible career at the ministry, or the whole wide wizarding world the books only give us a tiny glimpse of, there's no telling how high the Slyhterin Hermione could have soared to.  

30.4.2019

I recently realized that even though the subject has popped up now and then on this blog, I have never made an separate post about a form of erotic torture I am a big fan of. Namely, bladder torture. 

In my case full bladder increases horniness in a way I cannot describe. Both masturbating and cumming feel so much better with a full bladder. During times I am particularly active sexually, a full bladder easily encourages me to start pulling my limp penis. I am going through such phase at the moment, and these days I connect the feeling of full bladder primarily with being horny, not with going to toilet.

I have many times wondered why this feels as erotic as it does. The first explanation I have come up with is that it creates an interesting, uncomfortable sensation resembling pain, that is located near testicles. There are also lot of nerves there criss crossing, explaining mixed messages. The other explanation I have is that the both feelings, a desire to cum and desire to urinate, are both about expelling something from your body, and therefore working so well together.   

The most effective way for me to get into the good bladder torture mood is to have a slight need to pee as I wake up, or when I'm masturbating during the day. The key is not to get rid of it, but enjoy it instead as I play with myself. It feels incredibly good to press the bladder lightly in the course of masturbating, or pull the tummy muscles in and feel the sensations the full bladder creates.

The sensation is so wonderful the idea of reliving myself, therefore having to let go of the sweet discomfort, is the farthest thing form my mind. In fact, if I am feeling extra nasty, the next step is to start drinking water, to make it feel even worse. The act of emptying a pint after pint of water while you masturbate, despite feeling the bladder already being full, is incredibly erotic. 

This creates a cycle very quickly. The more discomforting it gets, the more horny I become, and the more horny become, the more water I drink to be hurt more, and the longer I want my edging to continue. I have found that my mind enters this point a whole new level of sub-space, and simply doing what I am doing becomes a turn on.

Most often I have done this all alone, with a pint after pint of ice water next to me, occasionally pressing my lower abdomen and feeling it getting more and more full and hard. The feeling it creates is different from any kind of pain, since it engulfs my whole groin area, as well as radiates outwards from the center of my being. Masturbation simply feels so much better that way. 


Naturally it's even better if there's a sadistic woman present on chat for example, deciding how much and when I have drink the water, and deciding when I can go to pee, or whether I am allowed to cum or not. Bladder torture session, with of without company, can last for hours and I have often drank several liters of water before being cumming or peeing. Also, the orgasm with extremely full bladder feels so heightened, more or less to tenfold.

Another thing I love in bladder torture is the way it makes me look. If I have any feminine gear on, and I have drank enough water, my obscenely bulged out abdomen makes me look like a pregnant woman. If my bladder is full enough, near the end the pee usually dribbles out like precum as I edge. Naturally I lick every drop off my fingers.

There have also been couple of instances when I have been allowed to pee to a pint on the condition  I promise to drink it immediately afterwards and continue edging. It is hard to describe the feeling of holding a big pint of our own warm, foaming, yellow urine knowing you will soon drink it. There have been sessions during this has been repeated several times. 

This may sound disgusting to you, but after one gets used to the taste of one's own urine, it becomes incredibly easy to drink more and of it. It also fun to rinse your mouth with it in order to really savor the taste, or add ice cubes in it and drink it like cider. If you’re horny enough, and in pain enough, the idea you’re drinking your own pee so you could drink it again soon is hot beyond belief.


If there is a woman present it opens many opportunities. Simply the act of drinking the water I know will cause me great discomfort soon feels much more erotic while being observed. For example, to empty a whole pint of ice water in one go in front of the woman's eyes. It is also feels great to lie completely naked next to her afterwards, while she is fully dressed, as she presses your lower abdomen to find out where her touch hurts the most.

The best part naturally is if the woman in question is willing to sit on your full bladder. This may sound extreme, but in reality the pressure woman's backside creates if far less intense compared to the one a palm or your fingers. Woman sitting on your bladder in cowgirl position offers nice possibilities though, and it's amazing what woman can do just by shifting her weight back and forth. Even better if one has had to beg for it first.

It also helps if the woman in question has, as they say, meat on her bones. The girlfriend I had the pleasure doing this with a couple of times was such woman. It was a wonderful feeling to lay motionless on the bed, again completely naked, see her getting on top of me, naturally fully clothed, then sitting down with full weight. When this took place I had to close my eyes, smile, hold my hands on her wide hips and tell how much I loved her, and how heavy she is.


I have also noticed the position you do your torturing has an big effect on how the urine in the bladder makes you feel. I usually do my edging in front of my computer, sitting down, and even though the urine does feel in this position it is nothing compared to what it feels standing up. Therefore, it is easy to make the decision to drink "one more pint" while you're sitting down, but as soon as you get up, it can hurt so much you're forced to bend as you walk around.

One would think lying down would do the same, but in fact the effect is just the opposite. I have figured the pressure is directed differently when your body is in horizontal position. In fact I have sometimes taken a nap in a middle of a strenuous edging session with the urine still in the bladder, and feeling even more horny as I wake up.

In other words, if you do your masturbating lying down you have to use your fingers much more, to be able to create the sensation gravity would do if you're sitting down. Also, your tummy doesn't look nearly as nice when you're lying down. On the other hand the position allows you to drink much more water, the decision you regret the moment you stand up again.


If I am doing bladder torture alone the relief usually doesn't happen until I have either ejaculated or merely edged myself so long I can't stand it anymore. If I ejaculate, the feeling that follows is simply intolerable. The thing is, at that point nothing comes through the swollen penis, no matter how hard I try. This means I have usually had to wait 10 to 20 minutes in order to properly urinate. What was erotic before ejaculation, is now just pure pain.

A fantasy I haven't yet experienced is to have a situation described earlier, with a sufficiently sadistic woman present, and extremely full bladder, followed by ejaculation. I can only imagine it could be quite amusing for her to watch me walking around in torment and legs crossed. Any verbal teasing at that point would very effective, as well.

Neither have I ever had the pleasure drinking my own pee, especially pint after pint, while being watched. Nor have I experienced someone controlling the rate I relieve myself in a situation like that, for example being allowed to pee with only a small amount at a time to prolong the torment. Between them I could be made lick the woman in question to orgasm, for example. As you can see, the possibilities would be endless.   

Even without an orgasm or anyone present it usually takes several hours to get all the pee out, as the water in abdomen enters the bladder, filling it again and again. In plain terms this usually means running into the toilet all night long. Afterwards, especially if I have ejaculated, comes also the regret, and being afraid for your own health. However, when I’m horny enough and edging my limp  clit this couldn't be farther from my mind.

Sometimes, even after I have gotten all the urine out the need to pee remains. At that point I'm unable to do nothing but lying on the bed curled to a ball, and twitching. It feels more or less like I had just been beaten up. If I've only edged, at this point I'm horny as hell, but powerless to do anything anymore. 

I try not to do this very often, since there are health risks, and the process is quite a strain for the body as well, exhaustion wise. Recently though I have ended doing quite a lot of it, thanks to intensive edging. A feeling of full bladder easily lures me into pulling my limp penis, and mornings are especially treacherous, due to natural horniness as well as a full bladder, which can often lead to an intensive edging session taking up the whole day.

20.4.2019

Since it occurred to me I have never posted the little piece of text here, even though the subject does come up frequently in my blog posts, I decided to correct that overlook now. After all, it is Easter now, a celebration of fertility and that sort of stuff, making it very appropriate. Neither there hasn't been mention about it in the right hand column, even though I realize there should have been.

Originally I wrote it for my Fetlife profile in August 2018, because I felt it something that should be there, as well. Not that there had been much success for me there, but just in case someone did end up in my profile. Afterwards I posted it also on Facebook.

Anyway, here it is for you, as well. This version is slightly expanded from the original. 


There is also one thing I want you all visiting my profile to know.

I AM IMPOTENT

I know the correct term nowadays would be "erectile dysfunction" but I see know reason to call it that or making it sound anything else it using a different term. I am impotent, plain and simple.

I have been unable to achieve erection for twenty years soon, thanks to type one diabetes. No one I know in real life. most likely have no idea about this, because I look pretty young and fit, but I've never been able to get hard in a sexual situations. My first girlfriend managed to take my cherry after months of trying, at which point I was already 33 years old. Viagra has no effect on me either.

I do get morning erections, but they go away as soon as I wake up. In a way they are the bittersweet reminders from mother nature, so I wouldn't forget how they feel like. However, they are so brief I wouldn't have a possibility to actually do anything with them even there was a chance for it. They do make very horny though, which usually means I spend my morning hours by playing with myself.

My impotence, mind you, doesn't mean inability to cum. That is something a surprising amount of fellow kinksters I have met on-line have trouble grasping. For them sex means erection and an intercourse, or masturbation, and chastity is all about wearing a cage that prevents erections. In my case a cage would serve no purpose.

I can masturbate and cum quite fine, and I have learned to love my limp orgasms quite a lot, so much I actually prefer them to the hard ones. I have experienced them with the help of a drug you inject into the penis, but I have to say I have never felt it is something I am supposed to do, or enjoy. My favourite way of cumming is in fact a ruined limp one.

Usually that includes sitting in front of my full body masturbation mirror, plug inside my anus, clothespins on my testicles and nipples and sometimes some water in my bladder as well. Especially the bladder torture drives me quote wild. Most cases my orgasm takes place only after a I have edged for hours and my clit is quite sore, not to mention my tormented bladder.

I like to fiddle my clit on the brink of an orgasm and let go at the last possible moments. The feeling of one's limp penis oozing the sperm out, lazy spurt after another is a glorious one and makes me feel wonderfully feminine as well. If I am in extra naughty mood I like keep the eye contact with myself all through the orgasm. Not only it is interesting to see what kind of expressions I make as I orgasm, but it's wonderfully humiliating as well.

Like I said, I could cum and like most of the people reading this blog know, I do spend most of my free time edging. However, I feel that since I am not able to get laid, to use the common term, I shouldn't. That I haven't earned my orgasms, that it is wrong of me to decide it myself when I cum. In fact I would go as far as to I like myself more when I deny myself for long periods of time.

When I have my periods of "almost normal cumming" I notice myself becoming more selfish, and feeling an ejaculation a day is a some sort of basic human right. The longer I am without an orgasm, the more submissive I become. If I am in a relationship it means the sexual pleasure of the woman in my life becomes the sole source of pleasure for me. If there isn't anyone I try to look for other ways for expressing my submissiveness and sexual energy, such as writing. 

My impotence is also the reason why protagonists in many of my short stories are impotent. My writing is, after all, a way for me to get to experience things I never could in real life. And quite frankly, it would feel very unnatural for the stories to have a protagonist with a working cock, and have descriptions of intercourses, when I have no idea what that would feel like.

My impotence is also one of the things that made everything fit in place when I realized I am not in fact a man. Way back when I started losing my ability to get erect I didn't even notice it, since 99,99% of the sex I've had during my life has been with myself, and like I said I can cum just fine without an erection. 

If I had had a normal sex life of a man that would have naturally been a disaster for me, but now I hardly noticed it. After I realized I am in fact more female than male, not having an erection simply made more sense. Little sissy girls weren't supposed to have ugly male erections. Anyone interested is more than welcome to read the whole "coming out" blog post here.

One could say my impotence has made me what I am, and affected my self-esteem. Among other things it has also kept me from "chasing women" and kept me single, because what would the point be? I have always felt inadequate compared to real men, and extremely submissive to women. But still, it is what I am, and I love my limp clit.

Many people have told me on-line there are other ways to keep a woman happy. That is true, of course. However, the idea of being able to get hard for a woman is the measure of a man's worth is so deeply rooted in our society. The mere thought of finding a nice geek girl, getting know to her and realizing she may like me as well, and knowing sooner or later I have to say "Oh, by the way, I can't get it up, I hope that's not a problem for you?" is simply too frightening.

Often fellow kinkstres are baffled when I talk to them on-line, don't I miss sex? Don't I want to fuck women? Usually I have replied with: "Do you miss being on Mars?" How could I miss something I've never experienced? Me pulling my limp member is the way I've had sex all my life. It would feel very strange, not to mention scary to suddenly have a penis that works.

I fear if something like that happened, I wouldn't know what to do with an erection. Sex has always scared me a bit, and seemed a thing that "real grown ups do". I've never felt the urge to penetrate a woman, rather vice versa in fact. In other words, I'm perfectly happy, and proud of my limp clit. Perfectly happy to be an impotent wanker.

5.4.2019

I came across yesterday a news about a proposed bill in Georgia, USA. The bill would require men 55 and older to report each and every time they ejaculate to the nearest law enforcement agency immediately. The bill is naturally only a PR gimmick, and as such an effective one, and it's aimed against legislating birth control and abortion. But it got me thinking.

I wanted to share the piece of news and started writing. I was supposed to write only a few lines, but the text just kept coming and coming. One could I got an inspiration. I admit, what I wrote is polemic, and I did want to rise eyebrows with it, and I was very turned on doing so, as well.

And yes, the scope on what I wrote is extremely narrow when it comes to different preferences, meaning it is limited only to men and women and relationships between them. In other words, please bear in mind that this is a masturbation fantasy. It is, however, also something I have lived by for several years and what I truly believe in. Call it my "Chastity Manifesto", if you will.


Men of this world need to made understand, once and for all, that ejaculating and orgasming is a privilege for men, not a basic right. It's just not right, or natural for men to decide when they get to cum and when not.

When men indulge to this filthy habit they are committing a crime against themselves, a crime against womanhood and a crime against the nature. Male getting to decide about his own ejaculations is immoral, unnatural, harmful and wrong. It is not the healthy, natural way of relieving pressure we have been taught it is.

Male getting to decide when he ejaculates gives him the message his sex organs are there for his own pleasure, thereby perverting his sexuality. A male ejaculation is something that's supposed to be a sacred, holy act, and something that should took place as infrequently as possible. And always, always either in the presence of a woman, or at least after being given permission to it by a woman.

Why? Because the center of a man's life should be the woman in his life, not his own hand! A woman's orgasm should always be the one in the man's mind, not his own. Quite simply, because woman's orgasm is much more important and should be valued more. Woman is physically capable of orgasming more frequently, and therefore she should experience it more often, not the male.

The job of a male is to help a woman in his life to orgasm, any way he can. If he is allowed to cum whenever he likes he forgets this responsibility, and is under the false belief sex is about his pleasure, not the woman's. In truth however this is vice versa, sex is about woman's pleasure, and about man helping her to achieve it. 

But isn't it awfully unfair and cruel, you ask? Doesn't this mean the men would be constantly horny and aching to cum? Isn't it wrong for women to get to cum all the time, but limit it for men? 

Well, one could ask whether it's unfair and cruel to put reins on a horse. Some may say it is, but it is also necessary. Reins are needed to make the horse do whatever it is its rider needs it to do. The same thing applies to men. Limiting male's orgasm are the reins he is controlled with. Reins do not make the horse unhappy, and neither should controlling man's orgasms should make him unhappy.

Is the man constantly horny and aching to cum? Naturally. But that is exactly the point. By putting the valve there, the woman is able to harness the power that lies within the man's testicles. In a way, man's body, or his genitals, are like a motor, and his horniness, or orgasms, are energy build-ups created by the motor. A horny man behaves like he do merely because he has too much energy within his testicles. 

However, if the male is allowed to cum whenever he feels like, it means all that energy goes to waste. By putting a valve on male's sexual energy it is possible to direct and focus that energy into something actually useful, instead of his orgasms. That may be the sexual pleasure of the woman in his life, some other efficient activity she sees fit, or something else entirely.

A horny man is focused, eager to please the woman in his life in any way he can, because he knows his chances of being able to cum depend solely on her. Also, men enjoy being horny, immensely, whether they admitted it or not. Being horny makes them feel alive, and it also does good for them, mentally as well as physically. Ultimately, a horny man is a happy man.

Woman's orgasm is another matter entirely. The way I see it, woman's ability to potentially cum much more often than man, as well as the problems some women have achieving an orgasm, seem to suggest women are meant to orgasm more than they currently do. Therefore women should be encouraged to orgasm as much as possible, whereas for men, for whom it is way too easy, it should be limited to absolute minimum.

Therefore orgasm should always be a prize for the man, something he gets only if he has fulfilled his responsibilities towards the woman adequately. If that man has no such woman, for one reason or another, it is simply the mother nature's way of saying that man should not cum, it's as simple as that. That their cum should stay in their testicles, as long as they live.


The original post can be found at:
https://simonebee.bdsmlr.com/post/56066198

29.3.2019

This blog posts is about my relationship to orgasms, from two very different viewpoints. A few days ago there was a question on a kinky Facebook group whether there's fetish for orgasm. To be exact, the question was about one's partner's or sub's orgasm, for example in D/s relationship, fantasizing about making one's sub to pass out, being obsessed about it and so on.

Well, I have a huge, huge fetish for my partner's orgasm, and for female orgasm in general. One could even claim it's not quite healthy anymore, but then again, what fetish is?

As you know, I am an assigned submissive male, but I have always have what I call a pleasing fetish, doing whatever my partner likes, forgetting my own physical pleasure but getting huge emotional pleasure in return. And that pleasing often includes female orgasm.

In most of my relationships there has been elements of BDSM but none of my partners have been purely dominant. When they have noticed how much I love to make them cum other ways than using my male-ish genitals they have been more than willing to let me.

In my head that has been an act of submission, even if the person I am making to cum is quite under my control as it happens. Also, since the act isn't a stepping stone to something else, but all there is for me, I like to get most out of it.

Meaning, when I go down on a woman I stay there until she gestures me to stop. There have been times they have lost their ability speak momentarily, after orgasming so much. When that happens I feel extremely pleased, knowing I have done a good job.

When I make my partner cum I want it to be an act of worship, plain and simple, and I wouldn't even want to soil it with my own physical pleasure. Like I said, maybe not totally healthy, but I cannot help it. Woman orgasming is my opinion the most beautiful sight in the world.


A few days earlier there had been another question in the very same group. This time the question was about "mind fuck". Is that your kink? What do you like about doing it or recieving it? And so on. Well, I have always felt mind fuck it's so much more erotic than anything you can do with or to your body. 

Let's take an example. As you all know I have a huge orgasm denial fetish. However, I still remember the time when the idea of not being able to cum daily was unthinkable, and by the third day I was usually climbing on walls.

Those days I had a young and pretty girlfriend, who had a quirky personality, and a dominant streak she knew I liked. We were unable to see each other daily, so we spent most of our time on chat.

Once the discussion between us led us to cum bans and she decided it would be fun to forbid cumming for me until we saw each other again. 

Then she went through every day I wasn't allowed to cum, each as a separate chat message:

"You're not allowed to cum today." 

"You're not allowed to cum tomorrow." 

"You're not allowed to cum the day after." 

"And you're not allowed to cum the four days following that."

Then she told she would be cumming a lot during that time, and to just make it more tormenting for me she would let me know every time she had one. And that she would have one right away.

At that point I was so horny, my heart was racing, and my hands were literally shaking.

Does that qualify a mind fuck?