It somewhat difficult to start this blog post subtly, so I'm going for the not-so-subtle approach. I've been rather horny lately.
At one point I was afraid my libido was going to stay asleep forever, but for a several weeks now I've experienced nice, frustrating waves of horniness when I've seen or read erotic material, and I often wake up with a nice erection.
During the last week or so I have dreamed several times about masturbating. It is natural, after all, since I think about it almost all the time, but have no permission to do it in the waking world.
Sometimes in my dreams I'm attempting to produce a ruined orgasm on myself, or I'm just masturbating furiously in front of my computer. It's always merely masturbating, never fucking, or even cumming.
Then again, the mind compiles the dream together out of memories. Since I've had very little experiences in actual fucking it's logical I don't dream about it either. The same goes with ejaculating lately.
On one occasion I do remember having an "accident" in my dream, and trying to shut it down, or "stifling" it by squeezing my limp dick tightly. It had no effect, though, and sperm still tried to push itself out.
In the dream it felt completely logical that the only way to somehow remedy the situation was to position myself so that I could pour the sperm right into my mouth. Most likely because that way it would still remain inside my body, I suppose. Dream logic is funny sometimes.
It is curious though, that while I did it in the dream, I felt no shame or disgust whatsoever. The dream also felt incredibly realistic, so much in fact that after I woke up it took me a while to understand that hadn't actually happened.
What can I say? It seems my libido is alive and kicking.
I have once again something interesting to tell you. At least I think it is rather interesting. It's about my so-called sex life, and as usual, it involves my Queen.
Last Sunday I ended up spending a night at her place. The visit was quite unplanned one and I had no intention of spending the night there, but of course I am glad I did.
The visit was originally intended as a shorter one, but as we were cuddling and kissing on the bed, and as I felt her warm soft body next to me, I understood very quickly I wasn't going out there in the cold that night anymore.
One interesting detail that may interest you is the discovery I made as we were kissing and she started to pinch my nipples a bit. I like a little pain, but often too much of it takes the fun away. This time, however, she did it while we kissing and I realized this way my tolerane to pain is much higher.
I even tested the discovery a bit and stopped kissing as she did it, and it soon became too much for me to bear. When I started kissing her again the pain sort of got mixed with all the other sensations again, and was only one proof for me my Queen truly loves me, giving me all the delicious pain.
It got so intense my Queen even said she was afraid she will tear my nipple off with her sharp nail tips. I assured her that wouldn't happen. Even though I admit, the nipples looked quite mistreated the next day. They also stayed sore and hard several days afterwards. Hopefully my Queen will do the same in the future as well.
One reason for our rather steamy and dreamy cuddling was also the fact that we both were almost falling asleep at that point. After all, it was rather late at the time.
So, off to bed we went. Since I hadn't prepared in any way to my visit my Queen offered me a pink girls' t-shirt to wear for the night, with Winnie the Pooh on it, of all things. My Queen said she had gotten it when she had been twelve, but it fit me quite nicely. It was made out of very sheer cotton and was very comfortable to wear.
I must say I simply loved it. The design as well as the colour made me feel not only quite girly, but also, while I looked myself in the mirror wearing nothing but the skimpy, short t-shirt, rather... well, obscene. Obscene, in a good way that is. My Queen also complemented it, and said it pink suits me, and that the shirt made my "skin glow", and I quite agree with her.
We went into bed and after some cuddling I asked if she would tease me a bit, even though I felt somewhat guilty doing that. The thing is, when we started dating my Queen had an aversion to penises and it took quite a while for her to get acquainted with mine. She's still not crazy about them, and lately it seems the aversion may be doing a comeback. Naturally this saddens me.
When we were cuddling and the was fondling my soft penis in her fingers I asked whether penises, or my penis, still scares her, the way she said they once did. She said it does not, and I got even her to say she prefers my penis being limp rather that hard. After all, my limp penis is soft, smooth, unthreatening and safe. I quite liked hearing that.
I also asked did it disturb her when I beg her to touch it. She said it doesn't, even though she has noted that after we made it forbidden for me to touch it on my own I have become much more demanding about it. I said I was sorry, but explained that it was to be expected. After all, at the moment all sensation I get down there, all the enjoyment, comes from her alone, when we're together.
Also, and I can't emphasize it enough, her fingers feel so absolutely divine when she touches me down there. Being fondled, touched, teased or even masturbated is such a rare treat for me nowadays. However, at the same time I think the no-touching ban was the best idea we've ever had.
For some that night her touch felt even more divine than usual. I am not sure why that was. Was it because we hadn't seen each other for a while, was it the situation, was it because we were both almost falling asleep. Was it the Winnie the Pooh shirt I wore. Or was it the fact that I had been.. to put it bluntly, very horny the whole week.
The thing is, lately I have been a bit worried my libido may be falling asleep again. It is now about three weeks since my Queen made me cum. Since that I haven't felt much about anything down there, at least not the kind of horniness I expected or hoped for.
During the last week, however, it seems something has been waking up down there, and erotic images have begun to create in me the familiar, frustrating feelings they did in the summer. Naturally I have been very pleased about the development.
My Queen continued fondling the tip of my limp penis as we were under the covers, and I was surprised to realize how good it felt. We spoke to each to other softly in the darkness, about the way I'm not allowed to cum but she wants to tease me nevertheless, things that always get me hot.
At some point I realized her other breast was very close to me, and I started to rub her nipple through the t-shirt she was wearing. She started moaning and in a weird way it seemed I was actually masturbating myself, and she felt the sensations on the tip of my limp penis, making her moan.
It was very, very intense.
It seemed that something indeed was alive in my testicles. Or, like I described it to my Queen, it felt as if some sort of liquid, or mass, was moving about in my balls, They seemed so alive, more alive they had been in ages.
In retrospection I think it all lasted perhaps only ten or fifteen minutes, but it felt like an eternity. Soon I realized it all felt way too good. She didn't do much, merely played with the tip in her fingers, and teased me verbally from time to time, how she didn't want me to cum, no matter how good it felt.
Naturally I didn't want to cum either, but I didn't want her to stop, because it felt so utterly divine. I wanted to get so close to orgasm I could taste it, feeling the desire to cum, a sensation so strong I had to fight it, and drag myself from the edge. To prove I'm in charge, not my body. That my mind still has the determination to stay chaste.
Finally, with great haste, I told her to stop and pulled her wrist off of me.
Then, I merely waited. I felt... something starting to happen.
I felt several very faint spasms and something wet but very tiny making its way out of my limp penis. I hardly dare even to breathe during the while time, and I felt my Queen being completely silent and motionless as well. It was somehow very intense moment.
My Queen checked the sheets afterwards and there indeed was a tiny drop of something in them. For all we know, it may have been only precum. What I had experienced hadn't been an orgasm, not even close to it. But it was the most close close-call, if you will, we have so far been able to produce on me.
We discussed the issue afterwards a bit and my Queen agreed it may have been a ruined orgasm, of sorts, or a very, very stifled one. I can't help but to thank our timing this time. One or two strokes more, and we would have had another accident in our hands. This time all there was simply the sweet frustration.
Another proof that something had indeed happen was the rest of the night. It seemed something was indeed alive down there. I felt discomfort that kept me tossing and turning most of the night. It felt almost as if my testicles hadn't like what has taken place one bit. Too bad, they have to merely get used to it, since I hope we will be able to do the same many times with my Queen in the future.
Thinking about what took seems to be a good way to keep me turned on. This all took place almost a week ago, but still, as I think about it, I feel horniness rising its head. Even now, as I write this blog post, I feel a churnging sensation in my testicles.
In any case, in the morning I was in a very amorous mood. I was filled with such gratitude, love and desire to somehow repay my Queen her kindness. I got up earlier than she did and brought her coffee to bed. She seemed bemused as she looked at me and drank her coffee, almost as if having it brought to bed was somehow out of the ordinary.
At that point I was already supposed to be off to run errands, and I even had my semi-formal wear on. However, I stayed for a little while more, since I had something in my mind. Cuddling and kissing led to other things and soon I had removed all her clothes, something she seems to enjoy.
After that it was a time for a nice and long series of orgasms for her, which I hope she liked.
Not a bad unplanned visit, I would say.
In July I made a post in which I calculated how much volume it would take to fit in all the cum I would have produced and spurted if it hadn't been my ban.
After all, the project I have been doing almost two years soon has been a long and oftentimes lonely journey. Therefore one wants to make the progress more concrete somehow, and one way to do that is to think of it in terms of volume. How much cum my body would have produced?
If one ejaculation equals about 10 milliliters, which is about two thirds of a table spoon, it would mean 50 days with ejaculation once a day (my usual wanking pace before the ban) equals roughly one pint.
A few days ago I passed the 700 day mark, which means I would have produced 14 pints full of cum in that time. Granted, I have let male ejaculate escape five times during that time, but in the name of fairness that amount of cum is very insignificant.
However, after my most recent post I was being pointed out that the average volume of male ejaculation is not 10 but somewhere between 2 and 3 milliliters. In other words, you would need about 200 days to get even to a half a liter.
According to those sources the data I based my calculations on indeed seem to be inaccurate. It's is strange, however, that even though I have posted them several times during the past two years no one has pointed it out until now.
One reason I ended up using the higher figure was also the fact I did think my ejaculation was about one tablespoon. But it may be I was misled by the fact the ejaculate often is spread on a belly or on a floor.
If we base the calculations on 2,5 milliliters of cum per day it means I'm at the moment at 3,5 pints, or 1,75 liters. Considering the time I must say I find the amount surprisingly low. After all, a human being can drink that amount of liquid in a day, for example.
Truth to tell, I have considered to stop using pints as a measurement in any case. The thing is, liters sound much more practical, not to mention impressive. In other words, 1,75 liters and counting it is then.
This would mean in January 2016 I get to celebrate not only 800th day anniversary, which is the next logical goal after all, but also reaching two full liters of cum I have saved the world from.
That's quite a goal to strive forwards, wouldn't you say?
Today, second of October 2015 marks the 700th day since the last time I masturbated and orgasmed by my own free will.
After that male ejaculate has escaped my body all in all five times, but second of November 2013 still remains the date I stopped having the possibility of relieving sexual pressure whenever I so wish.
I hope I had more time, to explain fully what this date, or the past twenty-three months have meant to me. What it has felt to be a chaste, emasculated excuse of a male human being willingly missing out on so many things most men take for granted. How it feels, being denied the simple pleasure of a daily masturbation, after all this time.
But unfortunately there is no time nor chances to do it now. Perhaps later.
This time I have quite a big news for you. My Queen has allowed me to cum. Or rather, made me cum.
I had no idea it would happen, and neither did she. This all took place several days ago, but I've been rather busy during the whole week. The time has also given me the opportunity to observe what kind of effect ejaculating may have had on me, if any.
The whole thing was very spontaneous and unplanned. We had spent most of the preceding weekend together, even though both of us would have other stuff to do, and we ended up on my place on Monday night as well. You tend to do that when you're in love.
As we were cuddling I mentioned to my Queen did she realize it was now 50 days since my last orgasm. A little while later, when she was teasing and edging me, she said she would actually want to see me cum. Apparently me telling her about the day count had given her the idea.
On the previous time, she said, she had been quite unprepared and said she may have missed something. She would like to see it properly now. She would like to see me cum. I was surprised, even scared to hear it, but if it was something she wanted, she could of course do it.
After all, I explained her afterwards, what point there would be, if I were "forced" to stay chaste, but it would actually be me who wants the chastity last for months and months, not her. If she wanted to see me cum, then I would have to cum.
However, we both wanted my orgasm to be a ruined one. It would have to be as little enjoyable for me as possible, and I would have to inform her when it would be best time to let go. In fact, even to see and hear her saying the words: "Yes, it is time to produce you a ruined orgasm" was extremely erotic.
At some point I also suggested it would be a good idea if I were to be stripped completely naked in front of her. After all, if we were actually going to produce me a ruined orgasm, it wouldn't be proper for me to have any kind of clothing. My Queen agreed to this and soon I was completely nude, while she was fully clothed. I must say it felt very natural.
We were at it quite a long while. The idea behind it was to tease me as long as possible, to bring me close as many times as possible, before ultimately ruining the orgasm for me. She was very skilled at what she did, and I was soon very incoherent and horny beyond belief.
My Queen even admitted I looked like I was. I can only imagine what I must have looked like. Face bright red, eyes glazed, and expression of confusion on my face. I was very horny it ws hard to think straight. I even moved her hands to my chest a few times, for her the feel the racing beat of my heart.
Finally we agreed it was time to bring me over the edge. My Queen started to play with me faster and faster, and just kept going. She had a very determined look on her face, with a trace of smile. All I could think was how beautiful she looked at that moment.
When I felt the wave of orgasm starting to build up and knew I had reached the point I couldn't stop the ejaculation, even if I wanted, I yelled "Let go!" and she did so. I felt the glorious wave of orgasm wash over me and felt something dribbling out of my penis.
Next thing I understood was my Queen laughing and it took me a while to understand what she was laughing at. Only few little drops of clear liquid had escaped from tip of my penis. Only few drops of cum, even though it had felt so glorious.
I had actually some doing, when I assured my Queen it had in fact been an orgasm, of sorts at least. It had started like a proper orgasm, but because my Queen had let go at such an early point, the curve of ecstasy, if you will, hadn't been so steep, and the orgasm had been cut short.
It was the first proper, deliberately produced ruined orgasm of my life, and I must say I liked it. It had all the elements of orgasm, the arousing, the teasing, the build-up of an orgasm, and even the climax, but it hadn't been as nearly as pleasurable as a "real" orgasm I feel don't deserve anymore.
What took place after that on the other hand was, in retrospection, a mistake. Or rather, an experiment we could have very well done without. However, it felt like a good idea at the time. After my Queen had tidied me a bit it occurred to me perhaps it would be fun if she tried to make me cum again, right away.
She liked the idea and started to play with me just the way she had did it earlier. After a while, however, I realized I wouldn't be able to cum this way. Therefore, still wanting to produce another ruined orgasm for my Queen, I asked a permission to bring myself to the edge myself.
My Queen complied, and in a matter of less than thirty seconds I brought myself to the edge, but let go of my penis when the orgasm started, something I had never done. I felt strange immediately afterwards. Sure, I had done my best for it to be a ruined orgasm, but still it had felt... way, way too good. Too good for me.
In fact it had felt almost like "actual" masturbating, followed with shooting out a big load of cum, something I hadn't experienced for almost two years now. The thought of it made me feel dirty beyond belief.
I had wanted to give my Queen a ruined orgasm, but had basically ended up masturbating "properly", in the way I had used to do it for years. The way that had been forbidden for me for such a long time now. The way I now realized I didn't miss one bit. It was too... masculine. And way too pleasurable.
However, since I had done it under my Queen's supervision, and with her permission, it didn't feel nearly as bad as it had done when I had had a accident at home, or when we had unintentionally produced me an ruined orgasm together.
I felt strange and empty, yes. But this time there wasn't the shame, or regret. There wasn't even the usual post-orgasm depression males many times feel when they cool off after masturbating. As I lay naked before my Queen I felt only... well, emptiness.
I told some of this to my Queen, and she asked had it been a ruined orgasm? I answered by asking her hadn't she saw me let go of my penis? Men don't do that when they are masturbating. My Queen answered she didn't know that, since this was the first time she had witnessed a male masturbating.
All in all, we both agreed the second ejaculation had been a mistake, and that it would have been best to stop after the first one. Even though my Queen had had difficulties understanding it had actually been an orgasm.
I asked afterwards what she had thought I had looked liked the second time around. She said I had looked like I was suffering, and I told her it was true, but didn't she like to see me suffer? She answered that perhaps she does, but when it comes to orgasms, she much more prefers seeing me in ecstasy, not agony.
In terms of physiology and health the purging may have had positive effects. As my Queen was cleaning me up, she commented that my sperm looked a bit yellowish. I explained her it was to be expected. After all, the sperm had been in my testicles since August.
I have tried to observe myself the past week, to find what kind effect, if any, the ejaculation may have had on me. After all, there has been times when I have been a nervous wreck afterwards, or times when I have felt almost as if by balls were boiling. Or, like my friend aptly put it: "Your testicles are now churning new stuff that wants out".
This time around there hasn't been anything like that. In fact the first night and day after the ejaculation I didn't feel any kind of erotic or romantic feelings at all, which was quite an unpleasant thing to realize, to say the least.
I remember thinking that I should feel something more, that I should feel different. A bit like in romantic young adult novels, where a teenage girl thinks she should feel different after she had lost her virginity. Next day I had even difficulties remembering what had taken place the previous night.
The bottom line is, the ejaculation doesn't seem to have any kind of effect on me. I'm not less horny, but even less horny than I was before. This has puzzled me somewhat. Back in the day when I was first made to stay week without masturbating I remember going nuts after three days of chastity.
Now it's been almost a week, and basically I feel... well, nothing. I have had to ask myself what is happening. Has my body, after all this time, actually gotten used to being without sexual release? It's a bit unsettling idea for a someone who likes sexual frustration as much as I do. But then again, what alternatives I have?
Later this week I discussed a bit about the frequency of my orgasms with my Queen. I pointed out to her that after July I have now ejaculated, one way or another, every month. We both agreed this was way, way too often and a thing that should be done something to.
Even though my Queen's plans to let me cum the next time when we make love were now changed that too will happen some time in the future. Time will tell what happens.
It has been a while since I last time made a good and long, detailed status update. The thing is, even though a lot has happened during the last few weeks I have also been very busy during that time. A week ago I was also struck down with a flu, which has delayed writing this update even further.
In fact it's a bit hard to remember all that has happened, or what took place and when. It too may make this update not very coherent. During that time there was also, not only one but two events both my Queen attended, that gave us a chance to spend time together, but occupied much of our time as well.
One several days long visit to her place was also influenced by the fact that mother nature was once again visiting her the same time. Another visit was affected by the fact she had gotten a flu but wanted me to keep her company. It may or may not be the same flu that ultimately brought me down.
Still, we have done our best. I will attempt to put some thoughts down. This will be a long post, but believe me when I say it merely scratches the surface.
The first thing I could mention includes a long-time fantasy of mine we got to do, namely clothespins. Like I told you earlier, my Queen had mentioned that if I wanted her to do more things to me, I should trim my nether region more.
I did as she asked, and finally, about two weeks ago it paid off, and my Queen agreed to fulfill my fantasy. I had previously introduced her with my clothespin collection and tried them on her nipples. Now the tables were turned and I got to experience them on my balls, penis and nipples.
In retrospection I think what was more important and interesting was not what she did, but how she did it. Looking at her I couldn't help but coming to a conclusion that she seems to be getting over her hesitancy when it comes hurting me. At least she seems to like the reactions she gets out of me.
This was the second time another person performed it on me, in my whole life that is, and the previous instance I had the pleasure had been two and a half years ago. I had fantasized about her doing it, had hinted towards it and finally almost begged her for it. When she started applying clothespins on my testicles I was in the seventh heaven, as they say.
It a curious procedure, all in all. The thing is, for me at least putting them on doesn't hurt much, if at all. You merely spread your legs and offer the woman doing the applying as good easy area to work in as possible. Basically, most of the time you have no idea what is happening.
Taking the pins off is naturally much more painful than putting them on. I may be a bit weird, but for me having a huge amount of clothespins on my testicles, even for a longer period of time, isn't a least bit painful. It merely feels... well, safe, and comfortable. Almost as if someone is holding you by the balls with plastic fingers.
Taking them off is naturally the most fun part. It took quite a long time for my Queen to do it, and I was in quite a lot of pain as she did it. When she finally took off the last, and the most nasty ones, I let out a long, loud wail that even my neighbors must have heard. It also was quite a surprise for for my Queen, even though, according to her, a very pleasant one. I love that girl.
This time around we didn't get to the most humiliating part, which is also a part of my fantasy. In it my Queen is ordering me around while I have the pins on my testicles. At that point I'm forced to walk with legs spread which naturally looks quite humorous. In my fantasy my Queen is chuckling to the sight, and to the rattling sound pins make as I walk around. Hopefully we can do it the next time.
During the last few weeks my Queen and I have also ended up trying some mild ball slapping. Truth to tell, ball slapping, and ball busting, have been fetsihes I have had trouble understanding, mainly because I haven't had the pleasure of experiencing it myself.
We ended up doing it more or less by accident, but very soon I was begging for more and more. My penis seems to like it as well, and if it's semi hard when the slapping begins, it usually gets even harder because of it.
A part of the fascination is also the fact that since we're both beginners there's a real element of danger involved. My Queen doesn't know how hard she can hit, or where, so in between the slaps I'm filled with dread, of not knowing how much the next slap will hurt.
I also noticed that because of it, saying "harder" after each slap was a very hard thing to say, even though I had a strong desire to say it. By our third little slapping session I managed finally utter the word. Even though it felt insane to say it, on the same time it felt so very, very good.
But yes, this too seems to be something I had no idea I would like, but have noticed I do nevertheless. After the first time my Queen said it had looked like I was "going out of my mind", and I do believe I was doing just that.
For some reason it seems I have told you mainly about things about pain this time. How about the other kind of discomfort and my chastity then, you ask. Well, I have done a bit of self-observing in that respect as well.
Like some of you remember, last July was quite an interesting time for me, resulting i some extreme horniness even when I wasn't teasing myself in any way. At that point the day count from the last ejaculation was around 50 days, so naturally I have been curious to find out whether it would happen again now, as I'm closing to the same day count.
It seems this time there's no such luck. There hasn't been similar random periods of horniness, which is naturally disappointment for me. Perhaps the fact I haven't been permitted to play with myself when I'm on my own is partly to blame, who knows.
There has, however, been couple of instances lately I could mention to you.
Both of them took place during the period of last couple of weeks, both of them at night. We were laying in bed as it happened. I was totally nude and my Queen had only a t-shirt on. The first time around I was quite unprepared and almost didn't understand what was happening.
At the time I was either falling asleep or had just woken up. Quite innocently I went into a "spooning" position, and pressed myself to my girlfriend's backside. Suddenly I realized my penis liked the position. And I mean a lot. In matter of less than minute my penis was rock hard.
I have mentioned my penis has trouble of getting or staying hard when it's supposed to. Random nightly erections, however, doesn't seem to be any kind problem for it. Soon it was literally twitching, as I lay there and started to moan.
After a while I realized simply the thought of having an erection, but being unable to even touch it kept me horny and hard. Even laying down on my back didn't help, and couldn't do anything but stare into the darkness and wish the erection would go away.
After a while my Queen noticed my moaning and I tried to explain what was happening, quite incoherently. "Fuck I'm horny", I was whispering in the dark room. "Fuck I'm so horny, fuck I'm horny" over and over again.
"Oh dear", I remember my Queen muttering half asleep. The second time around I remember her even the caressing my penis a bit, before going back into sleep, which naturally didn't help one bit.
At the moment we both want to keep me chaste and denied. I am not allowed to even touch myself and all attention my penis gets comes from my Queen. Most times I have to practically beg her for it. Even now, when I'm writing this in very thin boxer shorts I feel a desire to touch it, but I know I'm not allowed to.
We have, however, practiced quite a lot of teasing when we've been together. Our intention is to become better and better at it. My job is to inform her long in advance when whatever she is doing starts to feel "too good". Usually I end up doing it perhaps too soon, but like you know from my updates from July, I simply don't trust my body anymore.
A couple weeks ago we even ended up doing a bit of teasing in the shower. We have showered a few times together now, and this time there was a good deal of mutual body worship included. Finally my Queen even gave me a bit of shower handjob.
I believe she merely intended to clean my penis, and was surprised by my reaction. I was surprised as well, since I had no idea woman's hands could feel that good. I had to ask her to cut it short, though, and tell her if she did that she could have made me ejaculate under thirty seconds, and neither of us wanted that.
Lately my Queen has been hinting that the next time she wants to see my cum will be when we make love for the first time. I have no objection to the idea, of course. After all, my orgasms are hers, to do whatever she wishes with them.
I got to experience something beyond weird last weekend. I haven't had that much luck in the love department in my life, but I do have a couple of women I can call ex's.
On Saturday I attended a bar night with my current girlfriend, aka the Queen, a one which also my ex girlfriend of eight years was present at one point. They have been in a same room before, but had never spoken to each other.
This time they sat side by side at a bar table, even introducing themselves to each other. And I have to say it was weird. I am not even sure my ex realized who it was she was sitting beside with, but still.
Later on my girlfriend commented to me had I realized how much they resemble each other. I hadn't never thought of it, and even though they are very different kind of people, I admit it, yes. There are similarities. At least when it comes to hair color and something I can only describe as "classiness".
I even had to admit that looking at them made me think I was – and I do know saying a thing like this is more than a bit chauvinistic – looking at... well, "the old model" and "the new, improved model".
Like I said, beyond weird.
