31.7.2015

I'm a bit unsure how to start my update this time. There hasn't happened anything dramatic, but in a way there has. This will all make sense, I hope.

Like you all most likely remember, last time I reported how my prolonged chastity and my recent "accident" led to rather interesting phenomena few days ago. Orgasmic build-ups appeared quite unexpectedly and made me feel as if I was about to cum in my pants.

They lasted about 24 hours, but I can tell you it was quite a 24 hours. It felt as if I had to constantly fight off an orgasm, or to telepathically control a tidal wave. After the phenomena stopped I was naturally relieved, but puzzled as well. What created it, and what made it to go away?

After a day or so I was adventurous enough to even "test" myself a bit, and teased myself with my thoughts. However, it seemed the tidal waves I experienced earlier were now behind a mental stone wall, or perhaps a vault door. I noticed I can make the build-up appear but it requires rather strong erotic visual stimulation.

Last night I was surfing on the net, more accurately exploring the chastity caption pages of Tumblr. One thing led to another I decided to test what would happen if I tried to conjure a series of build-ups deliberately, by teasing myself with erotic images, but keeping my hands off my very limp penis.

Very soon I realized that even if it felt as was about to cum, it didn't mean I would do so. Every time there was the build-up, as well as all the other physical sensations, the mild shivers in my legs that usually precede the orgasm for example, but never the fulfillment.

I admit, this was the first time in almost two years I deliberately tried to make myself cum. I had the permission from my Queen to cum to do so, as long as I did it by thinking only. She had said it would be interesting to know whether I could cum without touching myself at all.

However, nothing of the sort happened. No matter how hard I tried, at the last moment, every single time, I felt a sort of "pull-back" from my body. Even though I soon realized very soon the attempts were futile, the feeling of frustration was so uncomfortable it made me continue.

Also, somewhere in my mind, I admit, there was the little glimmer of hope, that maybe next time I could push my over the edge. It is had to say, afterwards, what I actually thought. Did I really wished I could cum, or had I understood I couldn't, but wanted to torture my body anyway?

The thing is I was pretty incoherent by the end and quite unable to think straight. The feeling every time the pull-back happened was so uncomfortable and intense that at some point I was literally howling and moaning as it happened, out of sheer frustration.

I ended up doing it for what must have been over three hours. Around 3 AM I finally had a moment of clarity and I managed to switch my computer off, brushed my teeth and crashed to bed. The look on my face and in my eyes as I watched myself from bathroom mirror was almost indescribable.

Naturally it didn't end there, and the orgasmic build-ups, as well as pull-backs, continued as I was laying and twitching in the bed, continued quite a while. As my mind slowly started to clear off all I could was to listen the beating of my heart and go: "Wow.." in my head.

I have analyzed the night a little bit afterwards and I think that in some way it was a test of will, or a show of courage. On many occasions I ended up squeezing the sides of my work chair very hard during the build-up, knowing my limp, bare penis was so close, but that wouldn't touch it, no matter what.

My body wanted to cum, so very badly, but at the same time I realized this desire made a perfect weapon against it, a perfect tool to torture it. After all, it was my body that had betrayed me a mere week earlier. Now it was its turn to suffer. And all I had to do was... well, nothing.

It has also occurred to me that the feeling I felt as I lay in bed, the pulling and pulsating sensation, may be what is commonly described as "blue balls". This may be just another example of me being twisted, but if it was, the sensation many men dread felt simply... divinely excruciating to me.

All in all, I have to say last night was something I hadn't ever felt before. Also, it was one of the most intense, and torturous experiences of my sexual life. At last when it comes to experiences that take place completely inside my head.

I'm unsure how often I will use this new technique of torturing myself. It seems very efficient, as well as safe one. On the other hand recovering from it requires more than just stopping the physical activity.

Also, it is quite a relief, to realize that my libido, or my testicles are not about to fall into sleep, not just yet at least.

29.7.2015

I think it's time for another update, even though nothing dramatic has happened. Yet, at least. Or maybe it has, depends how you define it.

I have been on my new complete wank ban for a week now. When I started it what I wanted was a piece of mind, a purified mind in a way. I expected my libido going to the same deep sleep it has been almost two years soon, as long as I stop playing with myself completely.

Sure, I was curious to find out what would happen now, after what my body must have regarded as an actual orgasm, or at least ejaculation. I didn't expect anything special happening though, since this is not the first time I go on a cum ban.

Nothing could have prepared me what I have endured the last 24 hours though. Last night I was sitting at my computer minding my own business, and it occured to me how the caption photos I made were at some point a substitute for masturbating and orgasming for me.

Then, out of the blue... it started again. I felt orgasmic build-up coming from somewhere, and I'm afraid if I hadn't snapped myself out of it immediately, I would have ejaculated in my pants, with my penis being completely limp, without any sort of help from me.

It didn't stop there however, and the build-ups continued, one after another, even though I tried to do something else. Merely the thought of cumming, or not being allowed to cum, or thinking about my testicles, triggered a build-up, every one of which I managed to stop.

Naturally I contacted my Queen immediately and told her in panic what was happening. She was naturally alarmed, as well as amazed, but said she understands if I slip, or rather if my body does.

Basically I had at that point a "permission" to ejaculate, as long as I didn't touch myself prior to it. However, I saw that as a last resort only, and I fought the build-ups the best I could.

It continued about an hour, after which I was ready to hit the sack from sheer exhaustion. Today it started again, and I have endured several "waves" of attacks, usually lasting an hour or so.

On some occasions it may have been triggered by a sexy image, sometimes merely or a thought, and sometimes, like I said, only by me thinking about orgasming.

Today I saw my Queen, and told her, after we had spoken with each other for ten minutes, that I had fought off during that time several of those attacks, caused merely by the sight of her sitting beside me on a coach, or her smell, or the knowledge she's there.

She was naturally rather amused to hear that, as well as the fact that to me it felt like I was "trying to telekinetically keep a tsunami at bay". One has to constantly concentrate to maintain control and not let my thoughts wander.

I know it would be interesting to find out what would happen if I just... let go, and let whatever that would happen, happen. At the moment though I try to fight it the best I can.

I admit, in a way this is pure stubbornness. However, it's a mere week since I let sperm escape my body last time. There is no way I will let it happen again this soon. We will see now who is tougher, me or my body.

22.7.2015

I have decided, on my own initiative, to stop experimenting on myself for now, since I do not like the direction where the series of experiments have led me.

This morning I conducted yet again one edging session, with the intention to bring myself as close to orgasm as possible. My hope was to increase this way my constant state of horniness I have noticed fades away very quickly after a close call or an stifled orgasm. In a matter of days, in fact.

Just like previously, it didn't take long to reach the familiar feeling of pressure around my testicles that indicate the nearing orgasm. Even though it's very hard to believe, we're talking about relatively short amount of time here, only a few minutes of "active" masturbation time.

I wanted to be very careful, and therefore stopped the fast stroking altogether and continued to tease my limp penis with very, very slow strokes and keeping perhaps half a minute long pauses every time I felt I was too close.

I knew I should have stopped at that point and take a cold shower. However, the feeling of orgasm being so close was so uncomfortable and a agonizing I wanted to experience it a little bit longer. What happened then was expected, but still very unfortunate.

I had let go of my limp penis to let it cool down, when... it started again. Orgasmic build-up simply appeared from somewhere and I realized my body had decided to orgasm. This time I attempted to stifle it (a word I learned from my Queen) and grabbed the head of my penis tightly, wanting to suppress what was happening.

I didn't lose it, so to speak, at any point, merely squeezed the head of my limp penis shut very painfully. I even walked around a bit, as I felt my soft penis pulsate. However, I did feel the orgasmic spasms, whether I liked it or not, and truth to tell it all felt all too much like an orgasm.

The technique wasn't as successful as I would have liked it to be, in other respects either. After a few minutes, when the spasms had subsided and I let go of my penis, a small amount of yellowish sperm came out.

I must say I wasn't pleased about the outcome of my experiment. I have no option but to mark this day black in my cum diary, as an actual ruined orgasm, since this was clearly something that can't be called a close call anymore. Only two months since the last one. Way, way too soon in my opinion.

I examined myself as one would examine a lab animal after the incident, and I wasn't at all pleased to realize the physical sensations I felt were all too much like an after state of an actual orgasm. There was a strange calmness and... well, emptiness within my nether regions, something I hadn't felt in ages.

Truth to tell, I hated it. The constant pressure, and the state of being tense were gone. Sensations I had gotten so used to had been taken away from me. I felt so calm and relaxed, something a man who has just orgasmed feels, and in my opinion it wasn't something I was entitled to.

Therefore I have decided to stop my experiments until further notice. This will mean my libido and state of horniness will once again decrease, but in my opinion that is way more preferable option than the alternative.

There is a chance ejaculating followed with period of complete chastity will have uncomfortable and frustrating results. I have a hope this will be the case. Only time will tell.

19.7.2015

The experiments continue. I have been trying to observe how my body and mind work, sexual wise, during the last few days. Does the heightened state of arousal remain, or does it start to fade away rapidly like it once did?

I have in other words tried to tease and edge myself regularly, despite the apparent danger. Saturday was way too busy day for my Queen and me, containing a strenuous, day-long road trip. There was one sexually interesting situation during the day but I won't go into here.

On Friday and today on Sunday I did, however, have time to experiment and it looks like the state of easy arousal remains. I conducted an experimental edging several times, one even on Saturday after the trip, and noticed I reach "the edge" much quicker than previously.

Today's experiment session was so far the most interesting. After a relatively short masturbation time, and pushing myself closer to the edge with short masturbatory spurts I felt once again the orgasmic build-up.

This time, however, I realized it wouldn't stop before actual physical release like it did on previous occasion and I knew if didn't do anything I would have an actual accidental orgasm on my hands, a one that would happen totally without the presence of my Queen.

Therefore I decided to simply squeeze the head of my limp penis shut, as tight as I could, and see what happens. I felt the orgasmic flashes, but since I didn't release my grip on my penis the amount of sperm that apparently tried to get put of the urethra never did so.

When I think of the whole thing afterwards I am a bit surprised how cold, rational and almost methodological the whole thing was. I merely looked at my penis I was shutting tight and I never "lost it", so to speak.

I know I should feel guilty. However, the recent period of heightened arousal has been so interesting it would have been a pity not to examine or take advantage of it. I admit one could claim this wasn't a "close call" anymore, but an actual ruined orgasm.

However, considering how erratic the functions of my body have been I think it would have been illogical to assume I could produce again similar semi-orgasm I did on Wednesday. Like making a jump over a ravine with a race car, and managing to land on the ground, and then making the jump again, expecting to land on the same exact spot.

Naturally I am now very intrigued as what kind of effect this will have on me. One could say that as far as the body is concerned, I have had now something it regards as an orgasm. Does this decrease my level of horniness or not, or perhaps heightens it?

One thing I can say is that after the incident I have felt nicely tense and unable to focus much on anything. In other words so far there hasn't been any of the positive effects having an orgasm has, being relaxed and so on, and I'm very happy about that.

16.7.2015

Okay, I think it's time for a frantic update, even though even my Queen doesn't have the details yet. She is currently very busy, and I don't want to disturb her with something as meaningless as my sexual life.

As you very well know, I have had couple of close calls, accidental ruined orgasms and sort of semi-orgasms, during my 600 or so days of chastity. They have happened without my control while I have been edging with me being nowhere near the edge.

Well, like I've told you, we have summer over here, albeit a little cold one, but it has caused nice erotic sensation in me. I wouldn't say I'm not horny and frustrated all the time, and in fact I hope I would be more so, but it has revived my libido in some degree.

Yesterday I was edging the way I normally do, browsing some erotic images, thinking about my situation and my Queen, and naturally pulling my very limp penis. Like I've told you, it doesn't get hard, even when I egde.

Then, quite suddenly, when I was having my cool off break between spurts, and without even being even that aroused, I felt... it starting to happen again. Quite out of the blue I felt the orgasmic build up approaching, with me unable to do anything to stop it.

I was naturally petrified with fear. I merely waited, without daring even to breathe, and examined the sensation. I was convinced accidental ejaculation would take place again, since this is the way it had happened the two previous times.

But then, it... stopped. After a build-up, and such sense of approaching ejaculation I could taste it. I was naturally very relieved, but it also made me quote nervous, even alarmed, to have been so close letting sperm spill out, once again.

I stopped masturbating immediately and directed my energy to other matters. However, all during the day I was strangely... tense, like being in overdrive. What had happened intrigued me so much that I decided to experiment and started to edge again after a few hours.

And, as amazing as it sounds, the same thing happened again. Or rather, almost happened, while I was pulling my limp dick. I knew now I had to be cautious, and managed to stop myself well in advance. But the orgasmic build-up was there, I could feel it.

I must say I was baffled. After all this time, after 600 days of cum ban, after a month and a half since my last spill, that took place in the presence of my Queen, what has caused my long-dead libido to be awaken this way?

And as if this wasn't strange enough, a few hours later, when I was in bed and almost falling asleep, and my thoughts wandered to what happened during the day and to the idea of me cumming, I swear, I felt it starting again. This time with no physical simulation whatsoever.

I naturally panicked, and managed to stop the approaching sensation. In a way it's a pity, though. It would have been interesting experiment. To know whether I could sum in my pants, with my dick completely limp, simply by thinking about it.

Even now, as I write this, and think of myself cumming, I feel the sort of... boiling sensation in my balls. Various erotic imagery has also much stronger effect on me now, and I get very unexpected flashes of horniness, and a tight, gripping sensation in my testicles.

In a way this is as intense experience that the sensations during my first, week long cum ban way back in 2012. By the time week was almost up, a mere picture of a woman's face on the cover of a fashion magazine could produce the similar effect.

However, I can't help but wondering, what the heck is happening in my balls? I'm baffled to say the least. Did the first, near-orgasm yesterday have this effect on me? An effect even more stronger that after the last actual ruined orgasm?

I know I should be glad and enjoy the frustration, since this is what I have wanted. However, at the same time I can't help but being worried, and the thought of edging fills me with apprehension, since the last thing I want is to ejaculate without the permission of my Queen.

15.7.2015

I once calculated how much volume it would take to fit in all the cum I would have produced and spurted if it hadn't been my ban. 

According to my calculation one ejaculation equals about 10 millilitres, which means 50 days with ejaculation once a day (my usual cumming pace before the ban) equals roughly one pint.

I am now getting close to 625 days, which means I would have produced about 12 and half pints of cum in that time. 650 days, a day count that could be reached quite easily, would be thirteen pints. In any case, that's over six litres of male cum I've saved the world from. That's quite an amount.

15.7.2015

Sunny, warm summer day equals a horny, frustrated and chaste male.

14.7.2015

I got to spend couple of days with my Queen again. Unfortunately due to mother nature the encounter didn't include any orgasming (hers, that is) this time.

The weekend was also rather packed with stuff to do, among other things a shopping round to local antique bookstores and me and my Queen going to see stand-up comedy for the first time in both of our lives. We have now seen a gig of Ismo Leikola, the world's funniest man, apparently. (He has a diploma and all to prove it.)

The weekend included also another girlfriend test, of sorts. Namely, the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I said "of sorts", since we both are fans, but even though she has seen on stage productions, as have I, she hadn't ever seen the movie version.

Even though I'm not a real hard core fan I do know some audience participation lines by heart. My favorite one is to yell "Describe your testicles!" just as the Narrator is about to say "Black, heavy and pendulous". My Queen seemed to find that amusing as well. Making her laugh feels so good.

9.7.2015

We finally banged together, my Queen and I. While assembling a pair of Ikea bookshelves for her, that is.

4.7.2015

Good thing I have a movie night to take care of today. Considering how hot this day will become, in my constant horny state I would most likely spend it by edging all day long.

3.7.2015

We're currently having a genuine heat wave over here in Finland, which makes it very difficult for a leg man like me to run errands downtown without spraining my eyes or being run over by a car. All those beautiful bare legs simply drive me insane. Oh dear me.

2.7.2015

I celebrated my birthday with my Queen a couple of days ago. I don't usually celebrate my birthday, or at least people don't celebrate it with me, so it was nice change of pace to feel appreciated, even wanted.

The celebration wasn't anything fancy, but it gave us both to spend time with each other. We ate out at a nice Thai restaurant downtown, and had a coffee at a historic, sort of steampunk styled market hall. It was all very romantic, since I'm not used to things like that.

Afterwards we had sauna at my place and watched a movie. I got to show my Queen one of my all-time favourite movies as well as guilty pleasures: Elvira, Mistress of Dark (1988), and I was very relieved and pleased when she told me she had actually found it amusing.

I even got a present from my Queen, a copy of Ernest Cline's "Ready Player One" (I love that girl) as well as a packet of condoms with a date written on it. The date wasn't, unlike I thought at first, the date of my next actual orgasm, but another important future date, leading to it.

Naturally there was also some very nice edging involved. My Queen allowed me to masturbate for her again, and got nice and horny, but had to stay away from the edge. I'd like to get so close to orgasm I could feel it, but I don't trust my body anymore, and the idea of cumming accidentally simply scares me too much.

My Queen seemed to enjoy our little session, though. She says she likes to look at me edging, because I look "so incredibly beautiful" when I'm so frustrated and horny I'm almost losing my mind. It's still very hard to believe that, or the fact I actually look beautiful to someone. I love her so.

Lately we have tried to balance our sexual needs and preferences. Recently my Queen expressed her dissatisfaction due to the fact she has ended up as the dominant party, when in fact she enjoys being dominated as much as I do.

Since her happiness is very important to me, I put effort into it and, like she put it afterwards, "dominated her properly for the first time", with handcuffs, ice cubes and all. According to her she loved it, which is all I need to hear.

Being the dominant party requires effort from my part, but things like that are part of a switch relationship I suppose, with each party wanting to make the other party happy, and both loving each other very much.

Last but not least, a small piece of information concerning her visit. As a result of it I ended up borrowing my copy of "A KeyHolder's Handbook" by Ivey Green to her. I did it quite willingly, but I admit afterwards I've had some butterflies in my tummy. She seemed very interested about it. Oh well, what is done is done...