This time I have quite a big news for you. My Queen has allowed me to cum. Or rather, made me cum.
I had no idea it would happen, and neither did she. This all took place several days ago, but I've been rather busy during the whole week. The time has also given me the opportunity to observe what kind of effect ejaculating may have had on me, if any.
The whole thing was very spontaneous and unplanned. We had spent most of the preceding weekend together, even though both of us would have other stuff to do, and we ended up on my place on Monday night as well. You tend to do that when you're in love.
As we were cuddling I mentioned to my Queen did she realize it was now 50 days since my last orgasm. A little while later, when she was teasing and edging me, she said she would actually want to see me cum. Apparently me telling her about the day count had given her the idea.
On the previous time, she said, she had been quite unprepared and said she may have missed something. She would like to see it properly now. She would like to see me cum. I was surprised, even scared to hear it, but if it was something she wanted, she could of course do it.
After all, I explained her afterwards, what point there would be, if I were "forced" to stay chaste, but it would actually be me who wants the chastity last for months and months, not her. If she wanted to see me cum, then I would have to cum.
However, we both wanted my orgasm to be a ruined one. It would have to be as little enjoyable for me as possible, and I would have to inform her when it would be best time to let go. In fact, even to see and hear her saying the words: "Yes, it is time to produce you a ruined orgasm" was extremely erotic.
At some point I also suggested it would be a good idea if I were to be stripped completely naked in front of her. After all, if we were actually going to produce me a ruined orgasm, it wouldn't be proper for me to have any kind of clothing. My Queen agreed to this and soon I was completely nude, while she was fully clothed. I must say it felt very natural.
We were at it quite a long while. The idea behind it was to tease me as long as possible, to bring me close as many times as possible, before ultimately ruining the orgasm for me. She was very skilled at what she did, and I was soon very incoherent and horny beyond belief.
My Queen even admitted I looked like I was. I can only imagine what I must have looked like. Face bright red, eyes glazed, and expression of confusion on my face. I was very horny it ws hard to think straight. I even moved her hands to my chest a few times, for her the feel the racing beat of my heart.
Finally we agreed it was time to bring me over the edge. My Queen started to play with me faster and faster, and just kept going. She had a very determined look on her face, with a trace of smile. All I could think was how beautiful she looked at that moment.
When I felt the wave of orgasm starting to build up and knew I had reached the point I couldn't stop the ejaculation, even if I wanted, I yelled "Let go!" and she did so. I felt the glorious wave of orgasm wash over me and felt something dribbling out of my penis.
Next thing I understood was my Queen laughing and it took me a while to understand what she was laughing at. Only few little drops of clear liquid had escaped from tip of my penis. Only few drops of cum, even though it had felt so glorious.
I had actually some doing, when I assured my Queen it had in fact been an orgasm, of sorts at least. It had started like a proper orgasm, but because my Queen had let go at such an early point, the curve of ecstasy, if you will, hadn't been so steep, and the orgasm had been cut short.
It was the first proper, deliberately produced ruined orgasm of my life, and I must say I liked it. It had all the elements of orgasm, the arousing, the teasing, the build-up of an orgasm, and even the climax, but it hadn't been as nearly as pleasurable as a "real" orgasm I feel don't deserve anymore.
What took place after that on the other hand was, in retrospection, a mistake. Or rather, an experiment we could have very well done without. However, it felt like a good idea at the time. After my Queen had tidied me a bit it occurred to me perhaps it would be fun if she tried to make me cum again, right away.
She liked the idea and started to play with me just the way she had did it earlier. After a while, however, I realized I wouldn't be able to cum this way. Therefore, still wanting to produce another ruined orgasm for my Queen, I asked a permission to bring myself to the edge myself.
My Queen complied, and in a matter of less than thirty seconds I brought myself to the edge, but let go of my penis when the orgasm started, something I had never done. I felt strange immediately afterwards. Sure, I had done my best for it to be a ruined orgasm, but still it had felt... way, way too good. Too good for me.
In fact it had felt almost like "actual" masturbating, followed with shooting out a big load of cum, something I hadn't experienced for almost two years now. The thought of it made me feel dirty beyond belief.
I had wanted to give my Queen a ruined orgasm, but had basically ended up masturbating "properly", in the way I had used to do it for years. The way that had been forbidden for me for such a long time now. The way I now realized I didn't miss one bit. It was too... masculine. And way too pleasurable.
However, since I had done it under my Queen's supervision, and with her permission, it didn't feel nearly as bad as it had done when I had had a accident at home, or when we had unintentionally produced me an ruined orgasm together.
I felt strange and empty, yes. But this time there wasn't the shame, or regret. There wasn't even the usual post-orgasm depression males many times feel when they cool off after masturbating. As I lay naked before my Queen I felt only... well, emptiness.
I told some of this to my Queen, and she asked had it been a ruined orgasm? I answered by asking her hadn't she saw me let go of my penis? Men don't do that when they are masturbating. My Queen answered she didn't know that, since this was the first time she had witnessed a male masturbating.
All in all, we both agreed the second ejaculation had been a mistake, and that it would have been best to stop after the first one. Even though my Queen had had difficulties understanding it had actually been an orgasm.
I asked afterwards what she had thought I had looked liked the second time around. She said I had looked like I was suffering, and I told her it was true, but didn't she like to see me suffer? She answered that perhaps she does, but when it comes to orgasms, she much more prefers seeing me in ecstasy, not agony.
In terms of physiology and health the purging may have had positive effects. As my Queen was cleaning me up, she commented that my sperm looked a bit yellowish. I explained her it was to be expected. After all, the sperm had been in my testicles since August.
I have tried to observe myself the past week, to find what kind effect, if any, the ejaculation may have had on me. After all, there has been times when I have been a nervous wreck afterwards, or times when I have felt almost as if by balls were boiling. Or, like my friend aptly put it: "Your testicles are now churning new stuff that wants out".
This time around there hasn't been anything like that. In fact the first night and day after the ejaculation I didn't feel any kind of erotic or romantic feelings at all, which was quite an unpleasant thing to realize, to say the least.
I remember thinking that I should feel something more, that I should feel different. A bit like in romantic young adult novels, where a teenage girl thinks she should feel different after she had lost her virginity. Next day I had even difficulties remembering what had taken place the previous night.
The bottom line is, the ejaculation doesn't seem to have any kind of effect on me. I'm not less horny, but even less horny than I was before. This has puzzled me somewhat. Back in the day when I was first made to stay week without masturbating I remember going nuts after three days of chastity.
Now it's been almost a week, and basically I feel... well, nothing. I have had to ask myself what is happening. Has my body, after all this time, actually gotten used to being without sexual release? It's a bit unsettling idea for a someone who likes sexual frustration as much as I do. But then again, what alternatives I have?
Later this week I discussed a bit about the frequency of my orgasms with my Queen. I pointed out to her that after July I have now ejaculated, one way or another, every month. We both agreed this was way, way too often and a thing that should be done something to.
Even though my Queen's plans to let me cum the next time when we make love were now changed that too will happen some time in the future. Time will tell what happens.
It has been a while since I last time made a good and long, detailed status update. The thing is, even though a lot has happened during the last few weeks I have also been very busy during that time. A week ago I was also struck down with a flu, which has delayed writing this update even further.
In fact it's a bit hard to remember all that has happened, or what took place and when. It too may make this update not very coherent. During that time there was also, not only one but two events both my Queen attended, that gave us a chance to spend time together, but occupied much of our time as well.
One several days long visit to her place was also influenced by the fact that mother nature was once again visiting her the same time. Another visit was affected by the fact she had gotten a flu but wanted me to keep her company. It may or may not be the same flu that ultimately brought me down.
Still, we have done our best. I will attempt to put some thoughts down. This will be a long post, but believe me when I say it merely scratches the surface.
The first thing I could mention includes a long-time fantasy of mine we got to do, namely clothespins. Like I told you earlier, my Queen had mentioned that if I wanted her to do more things to me, I should trim my nether region more.
I did as she asked, and finally, about two weeks ago it paid off, and my Queen agreed to fulfill my fantasy. I had previously introduced her with my clothespin collection and tried them on her nipples. Now the tables were turned and I got to experience them on my balls, penis and nipples.
In retrospection I think what was more important and interesting was not what she did, but how she did it. Looking at her I couldn't help but coming to a conclusion that she seems to be getting over her hesitancy when it comes hurting me. At least she seems to like the reactions she gets out of me.
This was the second time another person performed it on me, in my whole life that is, and the previous instance I had the pleasure had been two and a half years ago. I had fantasized about her doing it, had hinted towards it and finally almost begged her for it. When she started applying clothespins on my testicles I was in the seventh heaven, as they say.
It a curious procedure, all in all. The thing is, for me at least putting them on doesn't hurt much, if at all. You merely spread your legs and offer the woman doing the applying as good easy area to work in as possible. Basically, most of the time you have no idea what is happening.
Taking the pins off is naturally much more painful than putting them on. I may be a bit weird, but for me having a huge amount of clothespins on my testicles, even for a longer period of time, isn't a least bit painful. It merely feels... well, safe, and comfortable. Almost as if someone is holding you by the balls with plastic fingers.
Taking them off is naturally the most fun part. It took quite a long time for my Queen to do it, and I was in quite a lot of pain as she did it. When she finally took off the last, and the most nasty ones, I let out a long, loud wail that even my neighbors must have heard. It also was quite a surprise for for my Queen, even though, according to her, a very pleasant one. I love that girl.
This time around we didn't get to the most humiliating part, which is also a part of my fantasy. In it my Queen is ordering me around while I have the pins on my testicles. At that point I'm forced to walk with legs spread which naturally looks quite humorous. In my fantasy my Queen is chuckling to the sight, and to the rattling sound pins make as I walk around. Hopefully we can do it the next time.
During the last few weeks my Queen and I have also ended up trying some mild ball slapping. Truth to tell, ball slapping, and ball busting, have been fetsihes I have had trouble understanding, mainly because I haven't had the pleasure of experiencing it myself.
We ended up doing it more or less by accident, but very soon I was begging for more and more. My penis seems to like it as well, and if it's semi hard when the slapping begins, it usually gets even harder because of it.
A part of the fascination is also the fact that since we're both beginners there's a real element of danger involved. My Queen doesn't know how hard she can hit, or where, so in between the slaps I'm filled with dread, of not knowing how much the next slap will hurt.
I also noticed that because of it, saying "harder" after each slap was a very hard thing to say, even though I had a strong desire to say it. By our third little slapping session I managed finally utter the word. Even though it felt insane to say it, on the same time it felt so very, very good.
But yes, this too seems to be something I had no idea I would like, but have noticed I do nevertheless. After the first time my Queen said it had looked like I was "going out of my mind", and I do believe I was doing just that.
For some reason it seems I have told you mainly about things about pain this time. How about the other kind of discomfort and my chastity then, you ask. Well, I have done a bit of self-observing in that respect as well.
Like some of you remember, last July was quite an interesting time for me, resulting i some extreme horniness even when I wasn't teasing myself in any way. At that point the day count from the last ejaculation was around 50 days, so naturally I have been curious to find out whether it would happen again now, as I'm closing to the same day count.
It seems this time there's no such luck. There hasn't been similar random periods of horniness, which is naturally disappointment for me. Perhaps the fact I haven't been permitted to play with myself when I'm on my own is partly to blame, who knows.
There has, however, been couple of instances lately I could mention to you.
Both of them took place during the period of last couple of weeks, both of them at night. We were laying in bed as it happened. I was totally nude and my Queen had only a t-shirt on. The first time around I was quite unprepared and almost didn't understand what was happening.
At the time I was either falling asleep or had just woken up. Quite innocently I went into a "spooning" position, and pressed myself to my girlfriend's backside. Suddenly I realized my penis liked the position. And I mean a lot. In matter of less than minute my penis was rock hard.
I have mentioned my penis has trouble of getting or staying hard when it's supposed to. Random nightly erections, however, doesn't seem to be any kind problem for it. Soon it was literally twitching, as I lay there and started to moan.
After a while I realized simply the thought of having an erection, but being unable to even touch it kept me horny and hard. Even laying down on my back didn't help, and couldn't do anything but stare into the darkness and wish the erection would go away.
After a while my Queen noticed my moaning and I tried to explain what was happening, quite incoherently. "Fuck I'm horny", I was whispering in the dark room. "Fuck I'm so horny, fuck I'm horny" over and over again.
"Oh dear", I remember my Queen muttering half asleep. The second time around I remember her even the caressing my penis a bit, before going back into sleep, which naturally didn't help one bit.
At the moment we both want to keep me chaste and denied. I am not allowed to even touch myself and all attention my penis gets comes from my Queen. Most times I have to practically beg her for it. Even now, when I'm writing this in very thin boxer shorts I feel a desire to touch it, but I know I'm not allowed to.
We have, however, practiced quite a lot of teasing when we've been together. Our intention is to become better and better at it. My job is to inform her long in advance when whatever she is doing starts to feel "too good". Usually I end up doing it perhaps too soon, but like you know from my updates from July, I simply don't trust my body anymore.
A couple weeks ago we even ended up doing a bit of teasing in the shower. We have showered a few times together now, and this time there was a good deal of mutual body worship included. Finally my Queen even gave me a bit of shower handjob.
I believe she merely intended to clean my penis, and was surprised by my reaction. I was surprised as well, since I had no idea woman's hands could feel that good. I had to ask her to cut it short, though, and tell her if she did that she could have made me ejaculate under thirty seconds, and neither of us wanted that.
Lately my Queen has been hinting that the next time she wants to see my cum will be when we make love for the first time. I have no objection to the idea, of course. After all, my orgasms are hers, to do whatever she wishes with them.
I got to experience something beyond weird last weekend. I haven't had that much luck in the love department in my life, but I do have a couple of women I can call ex's.
On Saturday I attended a bar night with my current girlfriend, aka the Queen, a one which also my ex girlfriend of eight years was present at one point. They have been in a same room before, but had never spoken to each other.
This time they sat side by side at a bar table, even introducing themselves to each other. And I have to say it was weird. I am not even sure my ex realized who it was she was sitting beside with, but still.
Later on my girlfriend commented to me had I realized how much they resemble each other. I hadn't never thought of it, and even though they are very different kind of people, I admit it, yes. There are similarities. At least when it comes to hair color and something I can only describe as "classiness".
I even had to admit that looking at them made me think I was – and I do know saying a thing like this is more than a bit chauvinistic – looking at... well, "the old model" and "the new, improved model".
Like I said, beyond weird.
I ended up answering a question from a Facebook page about hands-free orgasms today, have people had them and how are they. After all, the matter is somewhat familiar to me. Since my answer was quite a lengthy one, I'm posting it here as well.
Most people on the thread seemed to think hands-free orgasms are awful. And I quite agree. From a perspective of a normal male, used to having intercourse or masturbating regularly, ending with a glorious, full, satisfying orgasm, hands-free ruined ones must be awful.
However, I would say they are awful only when they are unwanted. I've had three of them during my life, all during the last few months. The first one was in March, the second one in May and the third in July. Mind you, with one exception they were the only orgasms I've had during the last 22 months.
Two of them happened while I was edging, and they were complete accidents. I had no intention of cumming, or letting myself to cum. I simply wanted to torment myself, to feel the urge but ultimately deny myself and leave myself frustrated.
However, in each of the occasions, even though I thought I wasn't nowhere near the edge, while I was having my cool-off period, my body betrayed me. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I started to convulse, and sperm started to spurt out of my limp penis, and I was completely unable to stop it. I hated it so.
The third took place while my girlfriend was edging me. She had no intention of letting me cum either, but while we were having a cool-off period, similar thing happened, and took us both completely off-guard. At the time my girlfriend didn't even understand I was actually having an orgasm, since this was the first time I had one at her presence.
During the last couple of months we have gotten much better in anticipating them, and keeping me from the edge. We have even discussed that when the time comes she decides it would be a good idea for me to cum, we could try getting closer and closer to the edge, perhaps on several occasions, the last one of which would result to an orgasm, but a one that would happen completely without any kind of touching.
That is to say, we very much like the idea of my fifth orgasm this year to be a ruined one as well.
The whole matter has even amused us somewhat. For most males the idea of having a ruined orgasm is an awful one, a punishment, something that is meant to be very unpleasant for the male. In my case having even a ruined orgasm would be so much more, compared to what I'm getting now.
In case anyone is interested, there are longer reports of each incident on my blog:
http://chastediary.blogspot.fi/2015/03/1532015.html
http://chastediary.blogspot.fi/2015/05/2752014.html
http://chastediary.blogspot.fi/2015/07/2272015.html
The last incident, of course, was the one that led me and my girlfriend to the conclusion it would be a good idea not to touch myself at all when I'm on my own. Only she has the right to touch, stimulate and play with my penis now, making all attention she gives to it so much more important and special. The ban has lasted for 47 days now.
My erotic dreams are getting very... well, interesting to say the least.
Last night I was having a dream in which I was having a dream in which I was wanking off furiously, and about to cum. Then, suddenly, I woke up from dream inside the dream into the dream, realized what I was doing, got up (from the very same bed and in the same clothes I was sleeping in real life) and tried to cool off.
It seems my dream inside the dream me didn't care about my wanking ban, but the dream me did, and wanted to stay true to my promise to my girlfriend, even though it didn't realize being in a dream as well. One could say the former me were my carnal instincts, wanting desperately me to start masturbating again, the latter me my conscious mind wanting to stay chaste.
I remembered the whole dream only some time after waking into the real world and had to shake my head in disbelief. It seems my body is getting very desperate to make me cum to create an Inception-style construct like that.
As if that wasn't enough, when I continued my sleep a little while later I remember having one or two similar visions, in which I was masturbating furiously, and from which I woke up, this time directly to the real world. I remember each time being startled, alarmed and ashamed, as if had been doing something forbidden.
What can I say. Mind is a curious thing.
