5.11.2015

In my most recent post I hinted at a upcoming anniversary. Two full years has passed since I last orgasmed by my own free will. When one year was up I didn't celebrate it in any way, mostly because I had no one to celebrate it with. For the most part my chaste life has been a very lonely one. 

Like I've told you, my Queen has hinted she would like us to try intercourse before the year ends. There has been numerous reasons we haven't done so, even though we have dated for almost a year now. I won't go into too much detail here.

What I can say is that one of the reasons is my impotence. Some time ago I got a prescription for a drug called Caverject, which you inject into your penis. It gives you a rock hard erection lasting up to several hours if needed, making it possible even for impotent men to have intercourse. 

I used the drug with my first girlfriend, because I was impotent even back then, but I have had my reasons to postpone using it again. The thing is, for a male using it is really uncomfortable, even painful. 

One influencing factor for me wanting to make it happen now was also the fact that this would also be the 100th orgasm my Queen has had since we started counting them earlier this year. In the same time I have had five orgasms, almost all of which have been "ruined" in some way or another.

In other words, I had came to the conclusion that if my Queen wanted to feel my hard penis inside her, this was the perfect opportunity for it. So, I went to the pharmacy and got the medicine, but didn't tell about it to my Queen beforehand, since I wanted it to be a surprise to her.

On Saturday there was a Halloween party we both had to attend, and the plan was I was to stay the night and the following Sunday at her place, like we often do. By the time we arrived at her place it was already way over 4 AM. This was handy, since the exact time the clock turned two full years was that Sunday morning, first of November, 06:31. 

This gave me a good oportunity to tell her the time was at hand, and also about my purchase. She was surprised, to say the least. 

I also got to explain to her that knowing what I did had been the reason I had been somewhat nervous the whole night. Also the fact she had looked sexy as hell in the party hadn't helped. So sexy in fact, I was a bit intimidated by her all through the night. 

Doing the deed, so to speak, had to wait till we had slept, however, and it was a Sunday afternoon before we finally begun. It was clear we were both very nervous. We both also agreed it was very weird to realize how "goal-oriented" the whole situation was.

How did it go, then? Again, I do not want to go into too much detail, but let's just say the first trial run wasn't a complete success. It could have gone better, and we could have handle it all better. Me included. 

I've had very little experience in my life when it comes to old-fashioned fucking, and the last time I had done it must have been more or less a decade ago. My Queen has had even less experience than I have. In a way it felt we were two 16-year-olds trying to figure how everything works. They make it look so easy in porn. 

They say "the first time" is always very awkward and weird. This seems to apply even though you had had sex before, just not with the person in question. Also, it occurred to me they say doing it is like riding a bicycle. But I suppose before you learn how to ride one, it can be awkward, painful and full of failures, as well.

I also found out the Caverject is as nasty stuff for me to use now as it was a decade ago. It gives you an incredible hard on all right, but it also takes away the sensitivity. To put it bluntly, at times it felt almost as if I were pushing an iron rod attached to my groin into my Queen's vagina.

One could say that the moment we're both better at pleasuring the other person with other means than by actual fucking. Then again, we've both had more experience in it, during the past year.

One proof of that is the fact that the whole thing became way more erotic, arousing and hot only after we had stopped actual fucking. First I made her orgasm by hand, which she seemed to enjoy very much, after which she gave me a wonderful hand-job.

Earlier on we had tried to turn each other on by talking naughty during the intercourse, and realized we need a lot more practice to be able to do both talking and fucking at the same time.

"Who knows, this may be your only chance to cum", she said as I was fucking her. "I may not let you have a real orgasm the rest of the year, if you don't cum now."

Well, as it turned out, I was nowhere near to cumming during the whole time. Not only was the whole thing a mess, technically speaking, the drug also made my cock so hard and insensitive I could have fuck her for eternity and not to cum myself.

When she was masturbating my still semi-hard penis, which now had regained some of its sensitivity, she started cooing:

"Wouldn't it be simply awful if I ruined this one for you as well?" she asked me. "You had your chance earlier, so now all you get would be only a ruined orgasm?"

"Mmmm-hmmm", I said, because speaking was difficult for me at that point. "It w-would."

"Oh yeah?" she said, milking me faster. "What if I tell you you'll have to inform me if you're about to cum?"

"I will say, of course."

"Okay then, say it when you're getting close."

"I will" I said, eyes closed.

It took us two attempts to get me over the edge. First time I told my Queen to let go a bit too soon, and I didn't ejaculate after all. Afterwards I realized it would have been a good idea for her to have a pause and let me cool down a bit, before continuing.

However, without a pause she took hold of my semi-hard penis and started milking me again. After a few strokes I had to tell her to let go of it, which she did. There was a few seconds pause, and then I felt a nice big load of sperm shooting out of my penis.

It felt glorious. It was so... energetic, vigorous and divine. I felt sperm coming out of my penis, a spurt after spurt, and heard my Queen complementing me. 

Even though the little milking session has grown into immense proportions in my head, it didn't last that long. According to her, from the moment she poured lube into her hands, to the moment I spurted, it hadn't been much more than a minute. What can I say, my Queen is great in giving handjobs.   

It felt so good, in fact, that it was a bit hard for me to think of it as "a ruined" orgasm. However, according to all the porn videos I've seen, that's exactly what it was. It seems that being completely denied for two full years have taught me to appreciate even ruined orgasms.

I have observed myself the past few days, and so far it would seem my most recent, rather abundant ejaculation didn't have have negative effects in my libido. Like I told you earlier, I have been rather horny lately. During the last few days I've noticed the cumming didn't take that away. If possible, I have felt even more horny.

All in all, as far as the fucking goes, I would say the first trial run could have been better, but it could have been worse, as well. Practice makes perfect, they say, but according My Queen she has no definite plans now, since she's very busy with her studies at the moment. 

In other words, when will be our next trial run be, or when I will be allowed ejaculate next time, is so far a complete mystery. Only time will tell.

31.10.2015

There is an adult site I follow on Facebook, called Enchantrix Empire, that regularly posts questions for its followers. I've had the habit of answering the questions if I have anything to say on the matter. Since I'm not a man of few words the answers have tended to be lengthy ones. I'm posting here my answers so far. Let's call it "Halloween Question and Answer special".

Have you ever sexted anyone, or had cyber sex? How did you like it?

Well, truth to tell, almost 90% or more of my so-called sex life has taken place virtually. So the answer would be yes. As for did I like it, lets just say it's something I've done, since there hasn't been alternatives. In fact, every time I have been physically intimate with someone it has taken me a bit of time to gotten use to. Compared to cyber sex, in which imagination plays such a big role, "real" sex is, in a way, rather crude activity.

When you are sad or down does masturbation help you feel better?

At the moment I don't masturbate at all. When I did, there was times when it was the only fun I had during the whole day. Sometimes it was the only thing I looked forward to before getting home from work or school, for example.

When you masturbate the troubles of your life disappear, for a moment at least. I think that may have been one reason I was so addicted to wanking. As long as you masturbated you didn't have to think about your troubles, or your life, or rest of the world. There was only you, and your penis.

The downside to all of this is naturally the fact that after you've spilled your seed it all comes back again. Very often men also seem to get, or I did at least, a post-orgasm blues, feelings of shame, disgust and disappointment at yourself. 

Good thing I don't have to worry about such things anymore.

The last time you got a blow job you felt: a) awkward, b) amazing, c) wished it was you sucking cock instead, d) luckiest guy ever.

As amazing as it may seem, I've never gotten one. Not a proper one at least. I'm 44 years old now, and quite frankly, I fear I won't ever get one. But I will tell about it as soon as a miracle like that happens.

I would say something like that happening would have been almost impossible to someone with my past. That is, considering I lost my virginity at 33, and having only two long-term girlfrends after that, the first of which hated cunnilingus and fellatio, ad the second one clearly having a some sort of penis aversion as well.

As for having to feel it some day, let's just say it's just of the many things I've accepted I won't ever get to experience. My Queen doesn't seem to like the idea and I don't want to pressure her the more than I have.

In a way, when I think about the activity in question, I feel it's something that's supposed to stay off-limits for me. It's so... manly and masculine. And apparently also way too pleasurable for someone like me.

I can't help but to think if it actually took pace some day I would merely go "I do not deserve this!" in my my head, and wouldn't be able to enjoy it, or get slightest bit hard.

Let's say were told you can cum every day for one month. If you didn't cum every day you would be denied for six months. Would you do it?

In my case the biggest challenge would be being cum daily, not the chastity part. I would simply love to be cumless for six months once again, hopefully much longer.  

However, it's been so long since I last masturbated and orgasmed by my own free will I feel I no longer deserve it. Male cumming seems so selfish somehow, and it would feel very weird for me, as well as very wrong.

Naturally I were ordered to do it by my Queen for example, and report to her afterwards, I would do it. And who knows, maybe after a month like that going back to the no touching, no cumming routine would be much more frustrating than my chastity has recently been. 

Also, if my orgasms during that thirty days were ruined ones, or I was made to do it in a way it would give me as little enjoyment as possible, I may be more okay with it. Or, if was made to orgasm by other person. I know all too well how to make it feel as pleasurable for me as possible.

However, the bottom line is I would do it, but I wouldn't like the idea, since the way I am now, cumless, frustrated and denied, makes me feel very nice, that is, chaste and pure.

Let's say you have been denied for eight months. What thing do you think would turn you on at that point?

It is very easy for me to answer that one, since it's now over 22 months since I started being denied. Simply put? The thought of being denied.

I know it sounds odd, but I can't even begin to estimate how many times during that last two years I have gotten incredibly turned on simply by watching the counter counting painfully slowly the seconds, minutes, hours days, weeks and months from my last ejaculation. Either counting up, or down, to the next full year. I have noticed the bigger the day count is, in both cases, the more tormenting and therefore more exciting it is for me.

I have also noticed the most exciting part is not knowing. When I started the chastity game I had no end goal, and for a long, long time I did the denying all by myself. And since there was no one deciding when I should ejaculate, I kept doing it as long as it felt good, and since the bigger the count got, the better it felt, I saw no reason to stop.

During the last six months, when I have had a Queen who knows about my chastity project and has taken the responsibility of controlling my orgasms, it has been doubly exciting. Now the decision isn't even in my own hands anymore (pun unintended). In fact it hasn't been in anyone's hands, since for a long time she didn't have any specific plan when she is going to let my cum either.

The ultimate fantasy for me, I suppose, is the idea of being permanently denied. Being told that I am not going to cum ever again as long as I live. Ever, never never. That I am being denied the sexual relief, the basic human right, for good. 

I know now, however, that this will not be the case. My Queen has recently informed me she wants to see my cum when we will have sex for the first time. I do not feel bad about it, and I do believe it is quite fitting to do so. After all, my orgasms are hers, to do with them whatever she wishes.

What happens after that, however, is a mystery, for me as well as to her. Who knows, it may very well be the last time I will cum this year. In fact that idea excites me a great deal. Than again, she may want to see me cum more, but in any case, it's not up to me now. 

Hands-free orgasms. Have you had one, and how was it?

Most people seem to think hands-free orgasms are awful. And I quite agree. From a perspective of a normal male, used to having intercourse or masturbating regularly, ending with a glorious, full, satisfying orgasm, hands-free ruined ones must be awful.

However, I would say they are awful only when they are unwanted. I've had three of them during my life, all during the last few months. The first one was in March, the second one in May and the third in July. Mind you, with one exception they were the only orgasms I've had during the last 22 months.

Two of them happened while I was edging, and they were complete accidents. I had no intention of cumming, or letting myself to cum. I simply wanted to torment myself, to feel the urge but ultimately deny myself and leave myself frustrated.

However, in each of the occasions, even though I thought I wasn't nowhere near the edge, while I was having my cool-off period, my body betrayed me. Suddenly, out of nowhere, I started to convulse, and sperm started to spurt out of my limp penis, and I was completely unable to stop it. I hated it so.

The third took place while my Queen was edging me. She had no intention of letting me cum either, but while we were having a cool-off period, similar thing happened, and took us both completely off-guard. At the time my Queen didn't even understand I was actually having an orgasm, since this was the first time I had one at her presence.

During the last couple of months we have gotten much better in anticipating them, and keeping me from the edge. We have even discussed that when the time comes she decides it would be a good idea for me to cum, we could try getting closer and closer to the edge, perhaps on several occasions, the last one of which would result to an orgasm, but a one that would happen completely without any kind of touching.

That is to say, we very much like the idea of my fifth orgasm this year to be a ruined one as well.

The whole matter has even amused us somewhat. For most males the idea of having a ruined orgasm is an awful one, a punishment, something that is meant to be very unpleasant for the male. In my case having even a ruined orgasm would be so much more, compared to what I'm getting now.

In case anyone is interested, there are longer reports of each incident on my blog:

http://chastediary.blogspot.fi/2015/03/1532015.html

http://chastediary.blogspot.fi/2015/05/2752014.html

http://chastediary.blogspot.fi/2015/07/2272015.html

The last incident, of course, was the one that led me and my Queen to the conclusion it would be a good idea not to touch myself at all when I'm on my own. Only she has the right to touch, stimulate and play with my penis now, making all attention she gives to it so much more important and special.

Would you ever say no to a woman who wanted to do your favorite things to you?

Is this a trick question or something?

Finish this thought. Ruined orgasms from a cock tease make me... 

...grateful beyond belief.

If you were to go to an adult store today what is one item you would definitely purchase?

At the moment I'm seriously considering a penis sleeve or sheath of some kind. 

The thing is, my Queen has let me understand she would like us to have intercourse in the near future, but that would mean I would have to cum, and that's something I'd like to postpone in the future as much as possible.

A cock sheath of some kind would allow her to fuck me, but it would be possible for me to avoid orgasming and sexual pleasure altogether, or at least minimize it.

As I write this, it's very uncertain how often we will end up having actual sex. It seems my Queen isn't into penetration that much, but when she gets a taste, so to speak, she may love it.

It's just as possible she will hate it, and wants to have only clitoral stimulation in the future. In a way I hope that will be the case. That will mean there would be much less chance of me getting to to cum in the future.

Are you planning anything naughty for Halloween?

I hope I will, since the day or so after Halloween will be the two-year anniversary of my masturbation ban. Cum has escaped my body after that, but the first of November, 2013, at 6:31 AM was the last time I masturbated and ejaculated by my own free will the last time, like a normal man. Time for a celebration?

29.10.2015

It somewhat difficult to start this blog post subtly, so I'm going for the not-so-subtle approach. I've been rather horny lately. 

At one point I was afraid my libido was going to stay asleep forever, but for a several weeks now I've experienced nice, frustrating waves of horniness when I've seen or read erotic material, and I often wake up with a nice erection.

During the last week or so I have dreamed several times about masturbating. It is natural, after all, since I think about it almost all the time, but have no permission to do it in the waking world.

Sometimes in my dreams I'm attempting to produce a ruined orgasm on myself, or I'm just masturbating furiously in front of my computer. It's always merely masturbating, never fucking, or even cumming.

Then again, the mind compiles the dream together out of memories. Since I've had very little experiences in actual fucking it's logical I don't dream about it either. The same goes with ejaculating lately.

On one occasion I do remember having an "accident" in my dream, and trying to shut it down, or "stifling" it by squeezing my limp dick tightly. It had no effect, though, and sperm still tried to push itself out.

In the dream it felt completely logical that the only way to somehow remedy the situation was to position myself so that I could pour the sperm right into my mouth. Most likely because that way it would still remain inside my body, I suppose. Dream logic is funny sometimes.

It is curious though, that while I did it in the dream, I felt no shame or disgust whatsoever. The dream also felt incredibly realistic, so much in fact that after I woke up it took me a while to understand that hadn't actually happened.

What can I say? It seems my libido is alive and kicking.

15.10.2015

I have once again something interesting to tell you. At least I think it is rather interesting. It's about my so-called sex life, and as usual, it involves my Queen.

Last Sunday I ended up spending a night at her place. The visit was quite unplanned one and I had no intention of spending the night there, but of course I am glad I did. 

The visit was originally intended as a shorter one, but as we were cuddling and kissing on the bed, and as I felt her warm soft body next to me, I understood very quickly I wasn't going out there in the cold that night anymore.

One interesting detail that may interest you is the discovery I made as we were kissing and she started to pinch my nipples a bit. I like a little pain, but often too much of it takes the fun away. This time, however, she did it while we kissing and I realized this way my tolerane to pain is much higher.

I even tested the discovery a bit and stopped kissing as she did it, and it soon became too much for me to bear. When I started kissing her again the pain sort of got mixed with all the other sensations again, and was only one proof for me my Queen truly loves me, giving me all the delicious pain.

It got so intense my Queen even said she was afraid she will tear my nipple off with her sharp nail tips. I assured her that wouldn't happen. Even though I admit, the nipples looked quite mistreated the next day. They also stayed sore and hard several days afterwards. Hopefully my Queen will do the same in the future as well.

One reason for our rather steamy and dreamy cuddling was also the fact that we both were almost falling asleep at that point. After all, it was rather late at the time. 

So, off to bed we went. Since I hadn't prepared in any way to my visit my Queen offered me a pink girls' t-shirt to wear for the night, with Winnie the Pooh on it, of all things. My Queen said she had gotten it when she had been twelve, but it fit me quite nicely. It was made out of very sheer cotton and was very comfortable to wear.

I must say I simply loved it. The design as well as the colour made me feel not only quite girly, but also, while I looked myself in the mirror wearing nothing but the skimpy, short t-shirt, rather... well, obscene. Obscene, in a good way that is. My Queen also complemented it, and said it pink suits me, and that the shirt made my "skin glow", and I quite agree with her.

We went into bed and after some cuddling I asked if she would tease me a bit, even though I felt somewhat guilty doing that. The thing is, when we started dating my Queen had an aversion to penises and it took quite a while for her to get acquainted with mine. She's still not crazy about them, and lately it seems the aversion may be doing a comeback. Naturally this saddens me.

When we were cuddling and the was fondling my soft penis in her fingers I asked whether penises, or my penis, still scares her, the way she said they once did. She said it does not, and I got even her to say she prefers my penis being limp rather that hard. After all, my limp penis is soft, smooth, unthreatening and safe. I quite liked hearing that.  

I also asked did it disturb her when I beg her to touch it. She said it doesn't, even though she has noted that after we made it forbidden for me to touch it on my own I have become much more demanding about it. I said I was sorry, but explained that it was to be expected. After all, at the moment all sensation I get down there, all the enjoyment, comes from her alone, when we're together. 

Also, and I can't emphasize it enough, her fingers feel so absolutely divine when she touches me down there. Being fondled, touched, teased or even masturbated is such a rare treat for me nowadays. However, at the same time I think the no-touching ban was the best idea we've ever had. 

For some that night her touch felt even more divine than usual. I am not sure why that was. Was it because we hadn't seen each other for a while, was it the situation, was it because we were both almost falling asleep. Was it the Winnie the Pooh shirt I wore. Or was it the fact that I had been.. to put it bluntly, very horny the whole week.

The thing is, lately I have been a bit worried my libido may be falling asleep again. It is now about three weeks since my Queen made me cum. Since that I haven't felt much about anything down there, at least not the kind of horniness I expected or hoped for.

During the last week, however, it seems something has been waking up down there, and erotic images have begun to create in me the familiar, frustrating feelings they did in the summer. Naturally I have been very pleased about the development. 

My Queen continued fondling the tip of my limp penis as we were under the covers, and I was surprised to realize how good it felt. We spoke to each to other softly in the darkness, about the way I'm not allowed to cum but she wants to tease me nevertheless, things that always get me hot.   

At some point I realized her other breast was very close to me, and I started to rub her nipple through the t-shirt she was wearing. She started moaning and in a weird way it seemed I was actually masturbating myself, and she felt the sensations on the tip of my limp penis, making her moan. 

It was very, very intense.

It seemed that something indeed was alive in my testicles. Or, like I described it to my Queen, it felt as if some sort of liquid, or mass, was moving about in my balls, They seemed so alive, more alive they had been in ages.

In retrospection I think it all lasted perhaps only ten or fifteen minutes, but it felt like an eternity. Soon I realized it all felt way too good. She didn't do much, merely played with the tip in her fingers, and teased me verbally from time to time, how she didn't want me to cum, no matter how good it felt. 

Naturally I didn't want to cum either, but I didn't want her to stop, because it felt so utterly divine. I wanted to get so close to orgasm I could taste it, feeling the desire to cum, a sensation so strong I had to fight it, and drag myself from the edge. To prove I'm in charge, not my body. That my mind still has the determination to stay chaste.

Finally, with great haste, I told her to stop and pulled her wrist off of me. 

Then, I merely waited. I felt... something starting to happen. 

I felt several very faint spasms and something wet but very tiny making its way out of my limp penis. I hardly dare even to breathe during the while time, and I felt my Queen being completely silent and motionless as well. It was somehow very intense moment. 

My Queen checked the sheets afterwards and there indeed was a tiny drop of something in them. For all we know, it may have been only precum. What I had experienced hadn't been an orgasm, not even close to it. But it was the most close close-call, if you will, we have so far been able to produce on me. 

We discussed the issue afterwards a bit and my Queen agreed it may have been a ruined orgasm, of sorts, or a very, very stifled one. I can't help but to thank our timing this time. One or two strokes more, and we would have had another accident in our hands. This time all there was simply the sweet frustration.

Another proof that something had indeed happen was the rest of the night. It seemed something was indeed alive down there. I felt discomfort that kept me tossing and turning most of the night. It felt almost as if my testicles hadn't like what has taken place one bit. Too bad, they have to merely get used to it, since I hope we will be able to do the same many times with my Queen in the future.

Thinking about what took seems to be a good way to keep me turned on. This all took place almost a week ago, but still, as I think about it, I feel horniness rising its head. Even now, as I write this blog post, I feel a churnging sensation in my testicles. 

In any case, in the morning I was in a very amorous mood. I was filled with such gratitude, love and desire to somehow repay my Queen her kindness. I got up earlier than she did and brought her coffee to bed. She seemed bemused as she looked at me and drank her coffee, almost as if having it brought to bed was somehow out of the ordinary.

At that point I was already supposed to be off to run errands, and I even had my semi-formal wear on. However, I stayed for a little while more, since I had something in my mind. Cuddling and kissing led to other things and soon I had removed all her clothes, something she seems to enjoy.

After that it was a time for a nice and long series of orgasms for her, which I hope she liked.

Not a bad unplanned visit, I would say.                

6.10.2015

In July I made a post in which I calculated how much volume it would take to fit in all the cum I would have produced and spurted if it hadn't been my ban.

After all, the project I have been doing almost two years soon has been a long and oftentimes lonely journey. Therefore one wants to make the progress more concrete somehow, and one way to do that is to think of it in terms of volume. How much cum my body would have produced?

If one ejaculation equals about 10 milliliters, which is about two thirds of a table spoon, it would mean 50 days with ejaculation once a day (my usual wanking pace before the ban) equals roughly one pint.

A few days ago I passed the 700 day mark, which means I would have produced 14 pints full of cum in that time. Granted, I have let male ejaculate escape five times during that time, but in the name of fairness that amount of cum is very insignificant.

However, after my most recent post I was being pointed out that the average volume of male ejaculation is not 10 but somewhere between 2 and 3 milliliters. In other words, you would need about 200 days to get even to a half a liter.

According to those sources the data I based my calculations on indeed seem to be inaccurate. It's is strange, however, that even though I have posted them several times during the past two years no one has pointed it out until now.

One reason I ended up using the higher figure was also the fact I did think my ejaculation was about one tablespoon. But it may be I was misled by the fact the ejaculate often is spread on a belly or on a floor.

If we base the calculations on 2,5 milliliters of cum per day it means I'm at the moment at 3,5 pints, or 1,75 liters. Considering the time I must say I find the amount surprisingly low. After all, a human being can drink that amount of liquid in a day, for example.

Truth to tell, I have considered to stop using pints as a measurement in any case. The thing is, liters sound much more practical, not to mention impressive. In other words, 1,75 liters and counting it is then.

This would mean in January 2016 I get to celebrate not only 800th day anniversary, which is the next logical goal after all, but also reaching two full liters of cum I have saved the world from.

That's quite a goal to strive forwards, wouldn't you say?

2.10.2015

Today, second of October 2015 marks the 700th day since the last time I masturbated and orgasmed by my own free will. 

After that male ejaculate has escaped my body all in all five times, but second of November 2013 still remains the date I stopped having the possibility of relieving sexual pressure whenever I so wish.

I hope I had more time, to explain fully what this date, or the past twenty-three months have meant to me. What it has felt to be a chaste, emasculated excuse of a male human being willingly missing out on so many things most men take for granted. How it feels, being denied the simple pleasure of a daily masturbation, after all this time.

But unfortunately there is no time nor chances to do it now. Perhaps later.

27.9.2015

This time I have quite a big news for you. My Queen has allowed me to cum. Or rather, made me cum.

I had no idea it would happen, and neither did she. This all took place several days ago, but I've been rather busy during the whole week. The time has also given me the opportunity to observe what kind of effect ejaculating may have had on me, if any.

The whole thing was very spontaneous and unplanned. We had spent most of the preceding weekend together, even though both of us would have other stuff to do, and we ended up on my place on Monday night as well. You tend to do that when you're in love.

As we were cuddling I mentioned to my Queen did she realize it was now 50 days since my last orgasm. A little while later, when she was teasing and edging me, she said she would actually want to see me cum. Apparently me telling her about the day count had given her the idea.

On the previous time, she said, she had been quite unprepared and said she may have missed something. She would like to see it properly now. She would like to see me cum. I was surprised, even scared to hear it, but if it was something she wanted, she could of course do it.

After all, I explained her afterwards, what point there would be, if I were "forced" to stay chaste, but it would actually be me who wants the chastity last for months and months, not her. If she wanted to see me cum, then I would have to cum.

However, we both wanted my orgasm to be a ruined one. It would have to be as little enjoyable for me as possible, and I would have to inform her when it would be best time to let go. In fact, even to see and hear her saying the words: "Yes, it is time to produce you a ruined orgasm" was extremely erotic.

At some point I also suggested it would be a good idea if I were to be stripped completely naked in front of her. After all, if we were actually going to produce me a ruined orgasm, it wouldn't be proper for me to have any kind of clothing. My Queen agreed to this and soon I was completely nude, while she was fully clothed. I must say it felt very natural. 

We were at it quite a long while. The idea behind it was to tease me as long as possible, to bring me close as many times as possible, before ultimately ruining the orgasm for me. She was very skilled at what she did, and I was soon very incoherent and horny beyond belief. 

My Queen even admitted I looked like I was. I can only imagine what I must have looked like. Face bright red, eyes glazed, and expression of confusion on my face. I was very horny it ws hard to think straight. I even moved her hands to my chest a few times, for her the feel the racing beat of my heart.

Finally we agreed it was time to bring me over the edge. My Queen started to play with me faster and faster, and just kept going. She had a very determined look on her face, with a trace of smile. All I could think was how beautiful she looked at that moment.

When I felt the wave of orgasm starting to build up and knew I had reached the point I couldn't stop the ejaculation, even if I wanted, I yelled "Let go!" and she did so. I felt the glorious wave of orgasm wash over me and felt something dribbling out of my penis.

Next thing I understood was my Queen laughing and it took me a while to understand what she was laughing at. Only few little drops of clear liquid had escaped from tip of my penis. Only few drops of cum, even though it had felt so glorious.

I had actually some doing, when I assured my Queen it had in fact been an orgasm, of sorts at least. It had started like a proper orgasm, but because my Queen had let go at such an early point, the curve of ecstasy, if you will, hadn't been so steep, and the orgasm had been cut short. 

It was the first proper, deliberately produced  ruined orgasm of my life, and I must say I liked it. It had all the elements of orgasm, the arousing, the teasing, the build-up of an orgasm, and even the climax, but it hadn't been as nearly as pleasurable as a "real" orgasm I feel don't deserve anymore.

What took place after that on the other hand was, in retrospection, a mistake. Or rather, an experiment we could have very well done without. However, it felt like a good idea at the time. After my Queen had tidied me a bit it occurred to me perhaps it would be fun if she tried to make me cum again, right away.

She liked the idea and started to play with me just the way she had did it earlier. After a while, however, I realized I wouldn't be able to cum this way. Therefore, still wanting to produce another ruined orgasm for my Queen, I asked a permission to bring myself to the edge myself.

My Queen complied, and in a matter of less than thirty seconds I brought myself to the edge, but let go of my penis when the orgasm started, something I had never done. I felt strange immediately afterwards. Sure, I had done my best for it to be a ruined orgasm, but still it had felt... way, way too good. Too good for me.

In fact it had felt almost like "actual" masturbating, followed with shooting out a big load of cum, something I hadn't experienced for almost two years now. The thought of it made me feel dirty beyond belief.

I had wanted to give my Queen a ruined orgasm, but had basically ended up masturbating "properly", in the way I had used to do it for years. The way that had been forbidden for me for such a long time now. The way I now realized I didn't miss one bit. It was too... masculine. And way too pleasurable.     

However, since I had done it under my Queen's supervision, and with her permission, it didn't feel nearly as bad as it had done when I had had a accident at home, or when we had unintentionally produced me an ruined orgasm together.

I felt strange and empty, yes. But this time there wasn't the shame, or regret. There wasn't even the usual post-orgasm depression males many times feel when they cool off after masturbating.  As I lay naked before my Queen I felt only... well, emptiness.

I told some of this to my Queen, and she asked had it been a ruined orgasm? I answered by asking her hadn't she saw me let go of my penis? Men don't do that when they are masturbating. My Queen answered she didn't know that, since this was the first time she had witnessed a male masturbating.

All in all, we both agreed the second ejaculation had been a mistake, and that it would have been best to stop after the first one. Even though my Queen had had difficulties understanding it had actually been an orgasm. 

I asked afterwards what she had thought I had looked liked the second time around. She said I had looked like I was suffering, and I told her it was true, but didn't she like to see me suffer? She answered that perhaps she does, but when it comes to orgasms, she much more prefers seeing me in ecstasy, not agony.

In terms of physiology and health the purging may have had positive effects. As my Queen was cleaning me up, she commented that my sperm looked a bit yellowish. I explained her it was to be expected. After all, the sperm had been in my testicles since August. 

I have tried to observe myself the past week, to find what kind effect, if any, the ejaculation may have had on me. After all, there has been times when I have been a nervous wreck afterwards, or times when I have felt almost as if by balls were boiling. Or, like my friend aptly put it: "Your testicles are now churning new stuff that wants out".

This time around there hasn't been anything like that. In fact the first night and day after the ejaculation I didn't feel any kind of erotic or romantic feelings at all, which was quite an unpleasant thing to realize, to say the least. 

I remember thinking that I should feel something more, that I should feel different. A bit like in romantic young adult novels, where a teenage girl thinks she should feel different after she had lost her virginity. Next day I had even difficulties remembering what had taken place the previous night.

The bottom line is, the ejaculation doesn't seem to have any kind of effect on me. I'm not less horny, but even less horny than I was before. This has puzzled me somewhat. Back in the day when I was first made to stay week without masturbating I remember going nuts after three days of chastity. 

Now it's been almost a week, and basically I feel... well, nothing. I have had to ask myself what is happening. Has my body, after all this time, actually gotten used to being without sexual release? It's a bit unsettling idea for a someone who likes sexual frustration as much as I do. But then again, what alternatives I have? 

Later this week I discussed a bit about the frequency of my orgasms with my Queen. I pointed out to her that after July I have now ejaculated, one way or another, every month. We both agreed this was way, way too often and a thing that should be done something to.  

Even though my Queen's plans to let me cum the next time when we make love were now changed that too will happen some time in the future. Time will tell what happens.